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By Timo Cerantola
The end of the world is coming very, very soon. I know this because it’s almost the year 2012 and besides, it was written right on the front page of a very popular supermarket tabloid.
True, the headline was very precise. “The end of the world is coming December 23, 2012 – at midnight.” I wonder, is that Eastern Standard Time? (Check your local listings for your end of the world).
Anyway, I’m now convinced that it’s almost the end of the world. Hey, that’s what it said right on the front page, in big bold letters – just below the picture of Pedro, the chicken juggling goat boy from Argentina.
Lately, I’ve noticed that some of those TV evangelists have jumped on the 2012 doom and gloom bandwagon. I guess they were pretty disappointed when Y2K Doomsday 2000 never happened. But now, in view of very reliable, almost undeniable proof, they’re hitching their religious death wagons to the Mayan Calendar event instead. Indeed. They’d hate to miss out on any chance of global destruction. I guess god must be pretty pissed-off.
Mind you, it is a very thoughtful god who gives exact dates and times for global demolition. That way, his believers will know when to get ready to bite the big cookie. Really, only a nice god would be so precise and punctual about ending the world. But that’s god for you – caring, capable, skilful. He was very creative as a child you know.
As I see it, there are some huge advantages to having a specific date on which to end the world. Think about it, if the end were to come on some random date and time like August 26th, 2023 at 1:42 pm – it would surprise the living crap out of everyone. I know that if I were a follower of that particular death cult, I’d be really ticked. I wouldn’t be prepared. I probably wouldn’t be wearing clean underwear. My mother always warned me to wear clean underwear just in case of emergency – not that they’d be clean for very long if the world were exploding.
Anyways, I’ve often wondered how humankind’s collective demise would occur. Will our sun go nova; another flood; or maybe a giant asteroid will crash into the earth and smash our world into a billion, trillion bits that will float freely and die in the frigid airless vacuum of space? Ouch!
My personal favourite end of the world scenario has always been alien invasion. I guess all those Star Trek repeats really messed up my brain. Still, the idea of multi-tentacled, one-eyed space aliens zapping humanity into mammal dust has always appealed to my pessimistic side.
Now if you’ve ever read what the most famous psychics have to say about the end of the world, you’ll find that many of them have also picked the year 2012 for mankind to collectively take a dirt nap.
The famed psychic, Edgar Cayce, hinted that Armageddon would be upon us early in the twenty first century. Cayce was known as “the sleeping prophet” because his prediction methodology involved weird, otherworldly sleepy trances. Edgar needed to get all dozy and woozy before he could spout off his brand of doom and gloom. Hey, it’s a living!
It must have been a great paying gig. I should try to do the same thing and bill myself as the Amazing Timo, the Sleepy Psychic Guy.’ Hey, I often slip into sleepy trances too – but only when I watch TV. Of course I just pass out and snore. No gloom. No doom. No end of the world – just this big snorkley sound emanating from my honker.
Another famous psychic Michel de Nostredame or Nostradamus, also predicted troubled times early in the 21st century – that is if you can decipher his convoluted quatrains; For centuries, his famous rhyming predictions have been meticulously translated by experts (with too much time on their hands and not enough brain cells in their heads) to be an accurate forecast of future events.
Imagine if in a few hundred years from now, charlatans try the same scam with the children’s book, “Green Eggs and Ham.” Our naïve future descendents riveted to their seats in white-knuckled terror as they read the ancient apocalyptic warnings from the great 20th century psychic, Dr. Seuss…
“I will not eat them with a mouse.
I will not eat them in a house.
I will not eat them here or there.
I will not eat them anywhere.
I do not eat green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.”
Of course, the experts of the future will agree that Dr. Seuss was referring to a future invasion of the evil and sadistic rhyming “Who People” that release a radioactive plague on an unsuspecting human race that turns everything green.
In the unlikely event that the many psychics are right about the year 2012 and there is a god who would do such a thing, that god is in position for the best practical joke of all time. Instead of ending it all at the stroke of midnight, he should wait a few extra minutes, just long enough for us to open our eyes and remove our fingers from our ears.
Then, while we’re all rejoicing and dancing in the streets thinking it’s not the end after all… KABOOM!!! End of the World. What a laugh. That God. What a card!
But just in case, all smugness aside. If on December 23, 2012 at 11:59 pm you should happen to see an inordinate number of fat ladies out on the streets singing their lungs out. It might be advisable to put your head between your knees and kiss your backside good-bye. Because as they say, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings – and I’d put my money on the fat lady over any Mayan Calendar, Nostradamus, Sleepy Prophet Guy or god.