By Tim Cerantola 

Last night, as I watched our TV weatherman gleefully describe the frigid cold weather we’ve been having, it occurred to me that we Canadians take a bizarre, if not peculiar sort of pride in our cold weather. 

“It is a very cold minus -23 below zero outside…” the smiling weatherman chirped with a perverse cheeriness in his voice. “…And, when I factor in the wind-chill, it feels more like minus -57 degrees.” 

Why, after telling anyone how brutally cold it is, do we Canadians add insult to injury by factoring in the “wind-chill” – which is cold temperature combined with a nasty frigid wind that makes it feel even colder than what the thermometer indicates. It’s deviant. 

Imagine, it’s minus -23 below zero and I haven’t factored in my wind-chill. And I call myself a Canadian. I should be ashamed. What kind of a sloppy, absent-minded Canuck forgets to add frozen insult to frosty injury?  

Again this morning, I watched yet another weather related news item on this recent arctic annoyance. People from way up in northern Ontario were actually bragging about their cold temperatures – one of whom, in minus -35 temperatures, was still wearing only a (open) jean jacket over a t-shirt. These numb skulls (forgive them, their brains were actually numb from the cold) were taunting the Toronto-based camera crew, suggesting that southern Ontario was for weather wimps.

“Here in Moosebutt (town motto: Colder than Pluto), we know what cold is – and this ain’t it! You Toronto weather wimps have no idea. Up here it gets so cold, your lungs will freeze up solid if you happen to burp and break wind at the same time!”  With the prideful way he spoke, you’d think that frostbite was prestigious. These northerners seemed to be under the impression that cold was a competition. I seriously wondered whether these morons had smashed their collective toboggan into a telephone pole before agreeing to the interview.  

Anyway, I have only one thing to say to my frosty northern compatriots… ‘Two minutes on power level four. That should thaw out your frozen brains. Put on your parkas for Pete’s sake. It’s as cold as hell out there. And I mean HELL. (Heck is for people that don’t believe in Gosh).

Suffice it to say, I’m not a winter person. Before my grandfather imigrated to this festival of slush a hundred or so years ago, he actually had a choice between this frozen slab of ice and rocks and the veritable tropical paradise of Australia. I’ll never understand why he chose Canada. Was it easier to spell?  

It’s not like the name ‘Canada’ sounds irresistibly inviting. Perhaps if Canada had been named something more descriptive like, ‘Freezyurassoffland’ – my grandfather would have chosen Australia instead, and right now I’d be writing something seriously goofy like, ‘G’Day mate. May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down’ – whatever the hell that means.  

True, winter surreptitiously pulls you in. It’s the lure of the Christmas holidays. In fact, a white blanket of snow on Christmas is somewhat romantic and can get you through the first part of winter relatively pain free. With the holidays and all that fluffy falling snow, those caressing sweet tones of our loved ones can be heard to say, “Oh look dear, it’s snowing outside! Isn’t it wonderful?”  

Of course by mid January, the sentiment changes quickly. It’s not fluffy or lovely anymore, it’s sickening! As for those loving, caressing tones, they’ve been replaced with a grumpy, gruff, “Hey, you! There’s another foot of that stinking awful snow out there! Get off the couch, grab your shovel and get to work! If I see another snowflake I’m going to go postal and strangle that damned weatherman!”

Indeed, once the holiday season is over, all that’s left is grumpy old lady winter and snow – which, not only has to be shoveled but, can turn driving into a hair-raising, scream like a little girl and lose-total-bladder-control scary adventure ride.

In weather like this, you have to be very careful driving. Of course, life is so much easier if you have four-wheel drive as it allows you to get stuck in more inaccessible places. The point is, please, everyone, drive safe. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather (not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car).

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, anyone who brags about living in the one of the coldest places on the planet has obviously forgotten to take his medication. It’s people like this who start the world believing that cold was invented in Canada – which got me to do some serious thinking about ‘cold.’ And so, I did a little research.

Naturally, to trace the invention of cold back to its roots and, to ensure the highest standards of journalistic accuracy, I went to a website called www.fartz.com. According to fartz, the Vikings invented cold.  

True. History suggests that it was the Viking “Erik” who discovered cold and quickly renamed himself, “Erik the Red” because “Erik the too damned cold” was too long and didn’t fit on his business card.  Of course, Erik’s discovery of cold wasn’t all bad, as it led to the invention of skiing, (not to mention the invention of the broken leg and the invention of the emergency ski patrol). 

Perhaps, the most famous of cold inventions is the snowball.

As usual, the Americans claim Abner Doubleday invented it in 1906 at Kittyhawk North Carolina but the real history books credit the Swedish brothers Orville and Wendel Farfevneugen. Apparently, after a major Scandinavian snowfall, the constantly quarrelling brothers could not find any rocks to throw at each other and were forced to make snow replicas.  

Oh well, the sad truth is, there’s not a lot you can say to defend this frozen Canadian slush heap in winter. And believe me, my fine and rugged northern friends, factoring in the wind chill isn’t going to impress anyone. Oh well, you know what they say; if you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

By Timo Cerantola

Every year, I observe a very special Christmas shopping tradition. Yes, each year as Christmas draws near, I wait and I wait and I wait, until just the right moment, and then, on December 24th at approximately 4:31 pm, I begin my Christmas shopping.

What an exciting time it is, as I fill my Christmas shopping basket full of festive cheer. A time of jostling and roughhousing with all the other men, who have, by some curious coincidence, left their Christmas shopping to the last 29 minutes too!

Oh what a loving and warm festive atmosphere it is. Hordes of crazed, ornery, desperate men gathering together in department stores around the country to share a Merry Friggin’ Christmas here, a get out of my way shove there – perhaps even a celebratory poke in the eye – if that’s what it takes to get that last piece of Christmas trash into their shopping baskets. As you can well imagine, Christmas shopping devolves into a full-contact sport.

Still, it is under these trying conditions that I usually select many wonderful, awe-inspiring, well thought out gifts for those that I love so dearly.

Let’s see, last year I selected Donny Osmond’s Christmas Music Collection for the kids; a spiffy looking “Cheeses of the World” tray for my lovely wife (imagine, someone went all around the world collecting cheese) and a couple of matching tea mugs that sort of looked like naked elves dancing (well, I think they were dancing) for mom and dad.

Never the less, as a married man with nearly a quarter century of deliriously happy marital bliss under my belt, I have perfected Christmas shopping in 29 minutes or less. In fact, I am so good at this; I now feel qualified to help some of you lost men out there – so that you might avoid the pitfalls of Christmas shopping.

And so men, read on so that I might provide you with a few winning gift ideas sure to please the woman in your life. Yes, I will likely save your life. (You can thank me later).

Now I imagine some of you have already begun, if not, completed your Christmas shopping (you kiss-ass freaks). For the rest of you, who live by the manly code, “Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.” – allow me to teach you a new way. For I am a firm believer in the old adage, “Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute. But, set that man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”

I imagine, as Christmas quickly approaches, many of you probably still don’t know what to buy the lady in your life. Well, do you?

Of course not! Only God knows and even He isn’t completely sure. So, what should you buy the love of your life?

First off, lets start with what the love of your amazingly craptastic life doesn’t want. OK, I can guarantee that your woman does not want anything that requires vacuum bags. She also does not want anything that slices or dices. She does not want a perfume that’s called “Garden Fresh” or “Fraiches du Jardin” – even though that does sort of sound French.

You’ve probably already established that she doesn’t want anything that smells like you. If she did, she wouldn’t always buy you cologne. But like I always say to my wife, if you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

DO NOT buy your wife a toaster for Christmas. If you do, plan to leave town. Pleading, “But honey, it’s a friggin’ four slicer!” will in no way repair the damage a gift toaster can do to a marriage. In fact, in many states, giving your wife a toaster for Christmas is legal grounds for divorce. Still, GTS (Gift Toaster Syndrome) is very common this time of year. Many men, in an attempt to please the woman in their life, succumb to the ever-alluring draw of shiny kitchen appliances. This can lead to a Christmas disaster. If you don’t think things can get any worse, it’s probably because you lack sufficient information.

However, should you happen to make this unfortunate mistake, before this thing goes viral remember, this gift selection must be quickly treated with expensive jewellery and a seriously healthy amount of grovelling on Boxing Day. Fortunately, most women will agree that men are entitled to be stupid now and again – mind you, some of us do tend to abuse the privilege.

SO, if you want your love goddess to remain in your life, relatively free of hostility, here are some helpful tips when deciding what to buy her. If the gift you have in mind for her is dishwasher safe, has a non-stick surface or cool touch handles, your own handles, (if you catch my drift), will likely remain cool during the Christmas season!

If you want to continue living in blissful wedded harmony, her gift should be of the silk, satin, gold, silver and/or precious stone categories. Seriously, if you want to remain a living, breathing person, her gift should not be made of polyester, vinyl, aluminium or have a Teflon coating.

So, to further drive home the point guys, A Non-Stick, Aluminium Reinforced, Plastic Cheese Tray With a Handy Polyester Carrying Bag… is a very, Very, VERY BAD idea!

So, what does the woman in your life really want?

Well, your Venus in blue jeans probably wants you to buy her something that’s personal. Something that’s a reflection of how well you know her and how you feel about her.

Naturally, you’ll be tempted to buy your love goddess a stainless steel oven roaster, but resist the temptation, leave the small appliances department, and head straight for the jewellery counter.

When it comes to Christmas stockings, books, little tins of shortbread, music tapes or candy are nice. You may also want to give some token presents to her family – and this is an inexpensive way to do so. Remember, you do not want to offend her family at Christmas (wait until New Years for that).

Most important of all, remember, you don’t necessarily have to give extremely expensive gifts to ensure a happy Christmas. If your relationship is based on material possessions and their value, it’s not a relationship – it’s an exercise in wealth re-distribution.

Remember men, the main thing is to express to her your true feelings and give of yourself – but that doesn’t mean you should show up empty handed wearing nothing but a grin and a Santa hat.