IN the last, dark days of man… IN a world ruled by fear and hate… there comes a ragtag renegade group of war-loving, bible thumping Americans led by Jesus himself. The final battle between good and evil is on and all hell is about to break loose! Get ready for destruction. Get ready for mayhem. Get ready for blood. Get ready for Armageddon.

(Armageddon is rated PG-14 for gratuitous scenes of extreme violence and wrathful smiting and may not be suitable for minors).

This morning, as I scanned the TV dial, I could not resist viewing one particular religious program (and one preacher’s hairstyle, a style best described as ‘hairmageddon’).

I listened briefly as this wacky fundamentalist Christian minister ‘rejoiced’ for the end times – cheer-leading America and Israel’s righteous military might from his pulpit against the evil Iran.

“The ‘end times’ are upon us, praise Jesus.” He bellowed from his pulpit. Now send me money (my hairspray costs are through the roof).

It is a perverse Christianity we have in America these days – a mixed-up amalgam consisting of Jesus, bigotry and atomic war.

Like any true, decent, Jesus loving, God fearing Christians, this particular brand of crazies supports all manner of American and Israeli war mongering, torture, bombing, killing of innocent civilians and military interventions everywhere – including the use of nuclear weapons. Whatever it takes to get them to the Armageddon party – though oddly enough, they’re against terrorists and terrorism. Why? What’s the difference?

Oddly, Christianity’s religious zealots cannot see the irony when they accuse Islam’s religious zealots of inciting war and religious extremism.

Is it not total hypocrisy when Christians encourage their political leaders to war – shouldn’t they be pushing for peace?

You know, all that ‘turn the other cheek’ stuff Jesus incessantly blabs on and on about in the New Testament?

There appears to be two completely, antithetical types of Christians. A peace loving, care for the sick, feed the poor group with their loving and forgiving Jesus. And, a nasty, bloodthirsty, Old Testament group with their wrathful god of smiting, thunderbolt tossing and pestilence – very heavy on the friggin’ swine flu type pestilence of late.

These must be the Christian soldiers. The one’s that believe if you pray hard enough, god will kill your enemies for you. Apparently, their god also accepts prayers for sporting victories too. As for any other religious consideration, perhaps we should sacrifice a virgin to it before it’s too late.

From my point of view, this “end times” business is nothing but a sleazy commercial enterprise that has produced far too many books, crooks, schmucks and, most recently, political leaders. Seriously, if these end times people really believe Armageddon is nearly upon us, why are they still so profit motivated?

Why don’t they give away their books and tapes for free – or at least at cost?

Seriously, why can’t they, god’s people, save our souls at cost?

If the world is going to end, what good is getting rich going to do them?

Getting rich off of god’s name is what most politically powerful Christians of political influence do best, as they busily grease the wheels of America’s war machine from their television pulpits each day. These “Christians” gleefully encourage their government’s incessant war posturing, constitutional crack-downs on freedoms and overtures to future wars against anyone they brand with the “evil” label – not to mention, calling for the use of nukes against civilian populations and assassination of democratically elected foreign leaders if the mood strikes them.

From a “Love Thy Neighbour” point of view, death and destruction hardly seem like a good way of promoting Jesus – but who said anything about THAT Jesus! That wimpy, peace-mongering, turn-the-other-cheek mama’s boy!

These nutty Christian freaks speak of a different Jesus. They’re talking about that gun totting, grenade tossing, holy killing machine G.I. JESUS! Boo-yaw! He’s mean, he’s tough, he’s gonna kick your unholy butt!

If god is who they claim he is, I think he, it (?) is going to be really pissed off at their sickening rendition of Jesus the Christ and prince of peace. (He’s probably going to be pissed at me too for that holy killing machine remark, but that’s a story for another day).

Of course, many Christian apologists will tell you the reason behind all this enthusiastic doomsday revelry and merriment is the second coming of Jesus – who will then rapture them away to some gated community in heaven; finally safe from all the pain and suffering in the world – much of which they, American Christian evangelicals, are responsible for through their blind support of a succession of warmongering American governments.

After all, the “religious right” was the driving force behind twice-elected Saint Dubya, patron saint of illegal wars, torture and the radio-active, two-headed chicken. I wonder if the Armageddon kids feel let down, now that a kinder, gentler, war-mongerer is taking over in the White House?

But don’t worry America. Start hitching up you’re Armageddon war and death wagons because America is getting ready to roll again – only this time America doesn’t even need the extra propaganda from you religious right wing nutbars.

Barack Obama, all by his one-sies, has threatened Iran with severe sanctions if it does not comply with international monitoring of its nuclear sites – which, by the way, Iran has already complied in accordance with the IAEA agreement. I know, I know, you’re confused.

Obama and his NATO posse have portrayed all this Iranian nuke stuff as a nefarious deception on Iran’s part. However, the nuclear facilities in question, according to the IAEA, are not weapons plants and have been declared in a timely fashion in accordance with the international agreement. So, if you want to draw any solid conclusions here when it comes to international law, I recommend you conclude that the US and its NATO allies are full of sh… (er, insert proper foul language here).

Ironically, Obama also issued this statement. “Iran is breaking rules that all nations must follow.”

Of course when confronted with such a statement, one can only conclude that Obama has forgotten to take his medication, as you see, Obama’s own nation continues to break the rules that all nations must follow as it is currently engaged in several illegal wars and occupations.

Gee, and I thought Obama was for world peace. Obviously, he’s changed his mind again. He must have a really sore ass from all that flipflopping!

”War doesn’t determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.” Unknown.

Once again, it’s that time of year when we psychics types waste everybody’s time making bogus predictions for the coming new year.

True, I admit I am a little bit challenged in the psychic department (I’m zero for 470) but, if it’s any consolation, I do have regular psychotic episodes – and the word psychotic is right next to psychic in the dictionary.

OK, here it comes, next year’s news now. I can feel the psychic magic just a buzzin’ through my veins, hmmm…

For 2010 I foresee that in Pakistan (motto: “bomb our cities please”) we will see more unrest as Barack “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize” Obama continues dropping “peace makers” on that country – not to mention sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan to fight for peace, love and corporate profits.

In the sports world, golfer Tiger “most of my money I blew chasing women and getting drunk – the rest I wasted” Woods, will finally learn that growing old is inevitable – and that growing up is merely optional.

In 2010, a lasting peace will be reached – on the planet Glumgork. I wish I were there.

Despite money-man Tim Geitner’s optimistic economic outlook, the American dollar will continue losing ground against most board game currencies – dropping so far below the value of Monopoly money the Federal Reserve will be replaced by Milton Bradley.

In 2010, the “Decade of Greed” will finally come to an end (and a new decade of greed will begin).

Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs but enough about Congress – Hillary Clinton will continue to annoy people clear through to 2011.

In 2010, Jesus will return. So everybody, LOOK BUSY DOING GOOD!

Due to severe market upheaval, the Boogey Man, Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be laid-off. In an attempt for a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security. The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.

Continuing with George Bush’s economic program of ‘No greedy Wall Street bastard left behind’ – Barack Obama will open “Crazy Barack’s Discount Country” where he will begin to sell out the taxpayer and US public assets at incredibly low, low prices. “Want to buy a municipal water system cheap? We’ve got several marked down to move! How about a massive freeway system? We have so much stock, we just have to clear it out…”

An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. The aliens, upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshields washed by massive hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for the service, an endless stream of irate street side windshield washers will beat them senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.

Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings will go badly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will complain, “We know we said take us to your leader, …now, take us to someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”

In 2010, God will declare bankruptcy. In an effort to bailout the once considered, “to big to fail” Creator of the Universe, Ben “Mr. Dollars” Bernanke will cut “the Lord” a huge multi-trillion dollar check courtesy of the American taxpayer – if HE promises to give Ben back his once full head of hair.

Science will finally solve one of the most perplexing mysteries of the universe. A team of Swiss scientists will discover that humans evolved not from apes, but from a higher form of cheese.

In Washington, a commemorative, thirty-foot high likeness of George Bush will be erected in Washington DC’s Constitutional Gardens. The sculpture, made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite target of the Garden’s millions of pigeons.

Many Americans will start to wake up in 2010 only to realize that things really suck in the US and that Barack Obama is not the second coming – and that US leaders, through their insatiable greed and lust, are totally responsible for the knee-deep pile of economic poo the US now finds itself in.

Congress will re-institute the draft using Facebook.

In keeping with the recent peace prize selection of Barack Obama in 2009, the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded to peace loving Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Disappointed runner-up Robert Mugabe will console himself with the only thing that makes him feel truly alive – human-rights violations, torture and censorship. In the new posthumous category, the Peace Prize will be awarded to the Emperor Caligula.

A state of emergency will be declared when giant, radioactive ferrets attack Washington. (And they say I don’t take chances with my psychic predictions).

In 2010, Hollywood will see even more remakes of successful old movies. In yet another sequel to the Wizard of Oz, has-been action stars Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis will team up to star in the block buster sequel, a war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”

And finally in 2010, Barack Obama will announce the largest make-work project in the history of earth. Starting in 2010, the US will begin tearing down the Rocky Mountains and move them to Florida for the many ski enthusiasts in the Sunshine State. The project should cost several hundred trillion dollars and create full employment for the next six thousand years.

In closing, even though the year ahead does not look too promising, take heart and always remember to follow your dreams, (except for that one where you’re at work in your underwear).

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass

 …it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”