It’s the Apocalypse Baby! Let the Fat Lady Sing

By Timo Cerantola

The end of the world is coming very, very soon. I know this because it’s almost the year 2012 and besides, it was written right on the front page of a very popular supermarket tabloid.

True, the headline was very precise. “The end of the world is coming December 23, 2012 – at midnight.” I wonder, is that Eastern Standard Time? (Check your local listings for your end of the world).

Anyway, I’m now convinced that it’s almost the end of the world. Hey, that’s what it said right on the front page, in big bold letters – just below the picture of Pedro, the chicken juggling goat boy from Argentina.

Lately, I’ve noticed that some of those TV evangelists have jumped on the 2012 doom and gloom bandwagon. I guess they were pretty disappointed when Y2K Doomsday 2000 never happened. But now, in view of very reliable, almost undeniable proof, they’re hitching their religious death wagons to the Mayan Calendar event instead. Indeed. They’d hate to miss out on any chance of global destruction. I guess god must be pretty pissed-off.

Mind you, it is a very thoughtful god who gives exact dates and times for global demolition. That way, his believers will know when to get ready to bite the big cookie. Really, only a nice god would be so precise and punctual about ending the world. But that’s god for you – caring, capable, skilful. He was very creative as a child you know.

As I see it, there are some huge advantages to having a specific date on which to end the world. Think about it, if the end were to come on some random date and time like August 26th, 2023 at 1:42 pm – it would surprise the living crap out of everyone. I know that if I were a follower of that particular death cult, I’d be really ticked. I wouldn’t be prepared. I probably wouldn’t be wearing clean underwear. My mother always warned me to wear clean underwear just in case of emergency – not that they’d be clean for very long if the world were exploding.

Anyways, I’ve often wondered how humankind’s collective demise would occur. Will our sun go nova; another flood; or maybe a giant asteroid will crash into the earth and smash our world into a billion, trillion bits that will float freely and die in the frigid airless vacuum of space? Ouch!

My personal favourite end of the world scenario has always been alien invasion. I guess all those Star Trek repeats really messed up my brain. Still, the idea of multi-tentacled, one-eyed space aliens zapping humanity into mammal dust has always appealed to my pessimistic side.

Now if you’ve ever read what the most famous psychics have to say about the end of the world, you’ll find that many of them have also picked the year 2012 for mankind to collectively take a dirt nap.

The famed psychic, Edgar Cayce, hinted that Armageddon would be upon us early in the twenty first century. Cayce was known as “the sleeping prophet” because his prediction methodology involved weird, otherworldly sleepy trances. Edgar needed to get all dozy and woozy before he could spout off his brand of doom and gloom. Hey, it’s a living!

It must have been a great paying gig. I should try to do the same thing and bill myself as the Amazing Timo, the Sleepy Psychic Guy.’ Hey, I often slip into sleepy trances too – but only when I watch TV. Of course I just pass out and snore. No gloom. No doom. No end of the world – just this big snorkley sound emanating from my honker.

Another famous psychic Michel de Nostredame or Nostradamus, also predicted troubled times early in the 21st century – that is if you can decipher his convoluted quatrains; For centuries, his famous rhyming predictions have been meticulously translated by experts (with too much time on their hands and not enough brain cells in their heads) to be an accurate forecast of future events.

Imagine if in a few hundred years from now, charlatans try the same scam with the children’s book, “Green Eggs and Ham.” Our naïve future descendents riveted to their seats in white-knuckled terror as they read the ancient apocalyptic warnings from the great 20th century psychic, Dr. Seuss…

“I will not eat them with a mouse.

I will not eat them in a house.

I will not eat them here or there.

I will not eat them anywhere.

I do not eat green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.”

Of course, the experts of the future will agree that Dr. Seuss was referring to a future invasion of the evil and sadistic rhyming “Who People” that release a radioactive plague on an unsuspecting human race that turns everything green.

In the unlikely event that the many psychics are right about the year 2012 and there is a god who would do such a thing, that god is in position for the best practical joke of all time. Instead of ending it all at the stroke of midnight, he should wait a few extra minutes, just long enough for us to open our eyes and remove our fingers from our ears.

Then, while we’re all rejoicing and dancing in the streets thinking it’s not the end after all… KABOOM!!! End of the World. What a laugh. That God. What a card!

But just in case, all smugness aside. If on December 23, 2012 at 11:59 pm you should happen to see an inordinate number of fat ladies out on the streets singing their lungs out. It might be advisable to put your head between your knees and kiss your backside good-bye. Because as they say, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings – and I’d put my money on the fat lady over any Mayan Calendar, Nostradamus, Sleepy Prophet Guy or god.

Earth Invaded by Evil, Bug-Eyed Space Aliens. Run for your lives!

Make room for Martians…
By Timo Cerantola

According to NASA’s Phoenix Mars Lander, there is water on Mars; and not just signs of water that existed there billions of years ago, but water, H2O, today, now.

Yes, that precious substance of life that we humans like to spray all over our golf courses, flush down our toilets and pollute with toxic chemicals, not to mention avoid drinking eight glasses a day of – has been found on another planet.

This is a pretty important discovery because access to water would be imperative to any future manned missions to Mars. Plus, water on Mars reinforces any theory of life elsewhere in the universe. So, it’s only a matter of time before someone declares alien, non-terrestrial life a reality.

Now if you’re like me, and listen to too much of that spooky late night talk radio; you’ll know that most “Ufologists” (that’s what they call you when you spend too much time thinking about aliens and watching Star Trek reruns) have already jumped the gun when it comes to non-terrestrial alien life.

Ufologists will have you believe the universe is bursting at the seams with all kinds of weird alien creatures that are intelligent, friendly and willing to lend a hand, tentacle or slimy, claw-like protrusion to help we Earthlings solve our many self-inflicted problems.

Of course our trusty, corporate bootlicking, mainstream media prefer we live in a climate of fear; hence a different kind of alien is portrayed. Far from the harmless, lovable, ET phone-home variety that children want to cuddle, the mainstream media paint a picture of dark, sinister, malevolent beings that lurk in the shadows, waiting for an opportunity to perform sadistic genetic experiments (which includes an inordinate, if not ridiculous amount of anal probing) on an unsuspecting human population.

Imagine, highly evolved, technically superior aliens traveling light years just to look up our butts. In my book, that’s just way too curious.

My point is, we should all get ready because I suspect our not so trusty media is presently readying headlines that will read something like, ‘Earth invaded by evil, killer, bug-eyed space devils. Run for your lives! (But first, a message from our sponsor and a new comprehensive home and life insurance package that includes alien invasion coverage for a nominal fee).’

As for science, most scientists are afraid to even talk about the UFO phenomenon for fear of reducing their credibility to the level of cartoons. So instead, we routinely hear scientists pontificate that even if there is intelligent life in the universe, the likelihood of meeting them is zero because traveling the thousands of light years that separate us is scientifically impossible. Sadly, human science in all its arrogance, likes to limit an infinite universe and all of its vast potential to our present level of knowledge and understanding.

As for me personally, though I have always hoped, I have never actually seen strange flashing lights in the sky. No, sadly, the only strange flashing lights I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing were in Disco’s during the late 70’s.

Now, if we can suspend present day scientific theory for a minute and, for the sake of argument and entertainment, let’s suppose aliens are real and they are visiting Earth – why do so many people assume the aliens would want to contact Washington first?

Is it because any well-bred space alien with half-decent manners would want an official presidential ‘okey dokey’ to have a look around?

Well, hold on just a couple of light-year folks. Why would an advanced alien race need to ask anyone’s permission to have a look around earth?

To put this into perspective, I will use my ‘Humans and the Ants Analogy’ because I think humans are marginally smarter than ants and, I’ve had a few of both in my kitchen this summer.

Think about it. If you were to discover a large anthill crawling with ant life, would you ask to see the head ant first before having a look around?

Probably not! Why would you care?

I assume it is the same way with aliens and humans.

Seriously, try to look at it from the intellectually superior alien perspective. You’ve just arrived on Earth in an advanced space vehicle so complex that these inferior, Spam-for-brains humans wouldn’t even know how to flush the toilet in (if aliens even go to the bathroom).

You’re a tired alien. You’ve just traveled a pile of light years with a back seat full of noisy, yakity, impatient alien children who haven’t shut up since you passed Alpha Centauri.

Your helmet is uncomfortably hot. Your antennae are wet with perspiration and you’ve had to go to the bathroom for the last three light-years.

What you really want is a nice cool drink of that delightfully refreshing earth beverage Liquid Plumber – but instead, these arrogant, self-absorbed humans have other plans for you. They want you to waste all your time listening to no end of long-winded politicians waxing poetically about how both of our civilizations can learn from each other.

The point is, put your self in the alien’s shoes (if that’s even what aliens wear). Imagine how bored you would be with all those pompous, narcissistic bureaucrats with their stuffy, dull dinner parties and endless speeches – not to mention the constant background whine from the military begging you for your advanced technology to build better, more destructive weapons (for the purpose of world peace, love and the brotherhood of mankind).

No way! Not me! If I was an alien, and I just might be (I’ll ask my Mom, she’ll know), you’d find me on the beach or trying out some of the local food. Heck, if aliens are as advanced as we think they are, they’re going to fly right past Washington and head straight for Disney World. Now that’s an intelligent move. You can’t have a bad time at Disney.

Let’s face it; aliens don’t have to play by our rules. So be forewarned. It could be, that when the aliens finally get back to their home planet, their friends will ask them,

“So how was your Earth vacation? Did you have a nice time?”

“It was very nice.” The travel weary aliens will reply. “The music was great and the food was very delicious. We ate mostly Italian and Chinese, but the Canadians were very tasty too.” [End]