The Cheapest Man in the Universe

(The art of Zen Budgeting)

bytimocerantola

In view of the ongoing economic uncertainty we presently find all around us, it is only natural to feel anxious about your finances and making ends meet. But do not worry. I think I can help. I am the cheapest man in the universe.

You see, for decades my parsimonious ways have achieved legendary status; among my friends as I am often referred to as ‘el cheapo, man of thrift’ – though I prefer the title “Dalai Lama of Frugality” for I am the founder of a penny-pinching philosophy known as “budgetarianism.”

So, read on young grasshopper so that I might enlighten you and help you achieve proper balance. Perhaps one day, you too will become a budgetarian master.

I will now impart the secrets to financial happiness.

Similar to the Eastern traditions of Buddhism, budgetarian enlightenment also contains four noble truths:

1. Suffering is inevitable.

2. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner eases suffering.

3. Further suffering ensues as a result of too much Kraft Macaroni and Cheese

And,

4. Even if you’re having roast beef, your kids will prefer to eat macaroni and cheese anyways.

The budgetarian lifestyle is very similar to a vegetarians although, vegetarians intentionally omit meat from their diets whereas budgetarians often omit meat as a means to economic stability. But either way you look at it, both vegetarians and budgetarians can be considered “barn-yard friendly.”

Indeed, the budgetarian diet, though similar to that of his cousin the vegetarian, does however, occasionally include meat; but that’s only because the most cunning and clever of budgetarians have created a vast array of ambiguous pseudo-meat mutations such as spam, baloney, tofurkey, veggie dogs (not-dogs) and veggie burgers (shamburgers) all designed for those with limited grocery dollars.

Other mock-meat substitutes such as meatloaf, are an example of frugality at its finest. Containing only trace amounts of ‘moo’ and vast quantities of oatmeal, breadcrumbs, tomatoes, zucchini, carrots, celery – even lint from your clothes dryer. Needless to say, this tasty low-cost “loaf” will easily qualify as an edible non-toxic by most federal food agencies though I recommend dousing these “edible substances” with copious amounts of ketchup or hot sauce as it may be necessary to avoid any taste seepage.

*Note: budgetarian meatloaf is very high in polyester, a very important budgetarian fiber.

Do budgetarians ever have fun you ask?

Well, budgetarians have loads of fun.

For entertainment, budgetarians borrow DVD’s from their local libraries. Granted, most titles available may not be among the most contemporary favourites, but older classics such as “Surf Nazi’s Must Die” or Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Hercules in New York” are readily available. Your local library also offers a vast selection of educational documentaries such as National Geographic’s “Wonderful World of Lichen.”

(spoiler alert) Lichens are symbiotic associations of a fungus (the mycobiont) with a photosynthetic partner (the photobiont also known as the phycobiont) that can produce food for the lichen from sunlight.

Outdoor budgetarian activities may include tree watching. Tree watching is very similar to bird watching only the expense of binoculars is eliminated because most trees will allow you to get up quite close.

But remember, the best things in life are free, like air!

That’s right air (now fortified with greenhouse gas). It’s free. It’s fun. It comes in assorted smokey flavours. Air. Yum. Breathe in as much as you like. Go outside and make a lung-sucking pig of yourself.

The grocery coupon plays a very important role in the life of a budgetarian. Besides doubling as reading material and therefore entertainment, the grocery coupon also holds monetary value. A stack of coupons can also make your wallet appear quite thick and impressive.

Speaking of thick and impressive, sex is a fine budgetarian activity – as long as you’re only practicing. Ah yes, while all the rich couples are out impressing each other and lusting after each others possessions, budgetarians are forced to remain at home and lust after each other. This is good for the marriage. And remember, divorce is very expensive. Divorce is not good for anyone, especially budgetarians.

Finally, you may ask, Tim, budgetarian Guru of the 37th degree, penurious keeper of the old underwear of 1987 (archeologists consider them valuable historic relics), what is the secret of true financial happiness?

Well, if you have any budgetarian friends, especially friends whose name is ‘Jones’ – you must invite them over for the evening. For if their name is Jones, and they are true budgetarians, it will be so much easier to keep-up-with-the-Jones’.

As for any approaching financial doomsday, ha, ha, ha! Let us laugh in the face of the inevitable economic reckoning knowing that with superior planning and some helpful tips from a qualified budgetarian master such as myself, you too can live a full and relatively money-free life.

Brother can you spare another Trillion?

bytimocerantola

 

IN the beginning, there were no banks.

THEN man said, “Let there be the three-piece suit.” AND man saw that this was good (especially Armani). Then man said, “Let there be the brief case, the two martini lunch and the bank charge.”

AND when man saw what he had created, he believed that this too was good – although he decided to raise the bank charges just a bit more.

THEN man asked himself, “What else can I do to complicate my life?”

And so, man invented the stock market. And then, before you could say ‘my broker is an incompetent idiot’ – the Dow Jones became mired in a bull market; bank profits dropped and the rest of us were in debt up to our pie holes.

Now prior to the invention of money and trading on the stock market, mankind had a wonderfully efficient system called the barter system. This amazingly efficient system allowed us to trade our stuff for other peoples’ stuff. For example, you give me a bear fur and I’ll give you a couple brontosaurus steaks. You give me one of your nifty “wheel” inventions and I’ll give you the secret of fire. You give me that bag of ‘Cheesits’ and I won’t bash your skull in with this rock.

Of course, we still trade today only now, it’s done on worthless paper at the stock exchange. But as any child of three with a diverse stock portfolio (and a large rock) can plainly see, today’s stock market still parallels the old barter system in many ways – although actual living, breathing, foul-smelling livestock (other than the stock brokers) are no longer present on the trading floor.

Sometimes, I think I prefer the simplicity of the old barter system though, as many of you have probably noticed, these days Walmart will not accept a goat as payment – although the going rate for a four slice toaster among Mongolian yak herders is still two sheep, a bottle of moonshine, a deck of cards and a jar of peanut butter (which in Mongolia is the makings of one heck of a party).

Still, many people find the stock market a very confusing place. And so, in an effort to clarify any confusion, I sought out some advice from the world-renowned investment expert, Mr. Diddley P. Squat. You know what they say on the market, if you don’t know Diddley, you don’t know Squat!

Anyway, Diddley says the first thing anyone must learn when it comes to understanding the complexities of the stock market is the difference between the two very important market terms “bearish” and “bullshi… uh… bullish.”

You see, when the stock market is “bearish” it is a very depressing time, as you will often hear people say, “Jump you bastards, jump!” Indeed, it is a very sad time and often, wealthy people can be seen weeping openly in their Mercedes limos.

However, when the stock market is “bullish” it is a very, very happy time (of lies, rumor and deceit) among wealthy people who will still insist that business is bad.

As for market volatility, the best anyone can figure is that the stock market seems to go into a decline because someone starts a rumor that the market is about to go into a decline – and so it declines. And then, usually the next working day, someone else starts a new rumor that the market is about to go through the roof, and it does.

Of course, in these days of bailouts and socialism for free market capitalists, there are no rules any more. If the market collapses due to the corrupt and odious business practices of the many scoundrels in banking and finance, our political leaders will rush to their rescue using the full power of government (you and your money) and inject billions, if not trillions of taxpayer dollars to save their sorry unethical asses. After all, no one wants to see greedy crooked rich people lose their money.

Speaking of the rich, have you ever noticed when you’re out with a group of friends, it’s only the rich ones who complain about money?

Sadly, I have nothing to complain about and so I let the rich worry about money. I spend my valuable time groveling for food but, as usual, I digress from the topic at hand.

As many of you are painfully aware, the US and many of Europe’s economies are still in turmoil – mostly due to the shameful pursuits of stock market financiers and the aforementioned unscrupulous swindlers in banking.

As I see it, the root problem isn’t about money; the problem is a lack of ethical and honest brokering.

Really, it couldn’t get much worse (but it will). You see, despite the encouraging spin you hear daily in the mainstream media, the real American economy is and will continue to be a total basket case for many years to come. This is mainly due to the enormous, multi-trillion dollar debt America has amassed combined with the continued lack of any real ‘nuts and bolts’ economy America needs to service that massive debt.

But don’t worry, Barack Obama has assured us that we have all the right con men working hard to fix our problems – if necessary with more bailouts.

Yes, more bailouts are probably on the horizon, because looming in the background are many more financial bubbles like treasury bonds, commercial real estate or credit cards all ripe and ready to burst.

And once again, I imagine raising the debt ceiling will get the same heavily propagandized media selling job as the last bailout; complete with the usual scare-mongering of martial law, losing our homes, losing our pensions, increase in pestilence, nuclear attack, alien invasion, the sky is falling… if we don’t go along with their economic strategy. (If they really wanted to scare us, they should threaten no TV for a week).

If we are to truly save our poor, sorry, indebted butts, we need honest people running the show and let’s face it kids, there just aren’t that many people in banking and the stock market with the right expertise, if the expertise required is honest brokering.

Experts without vested interests do not exist on Wall Street, in banks, in the Obama administration or in other world governments – or among lawyers, or in politics, the oil industry, the auto industry, or the Pentagon, military industrial complex, pharmaceutical industry, car sales, shoe sales…

So, there’s nothing to worry about, unless of course you were counting on maintaining your quality of life and addiction to food for an extended period of time. Then, there may be a problem. Or, to put it more succinctly, Mr. Fan may I introduce Mr. Shit.