Am I an asshole? Don’t answer yet (though I believe I know what your response will be).
This is a question we all should ask ourselves once in a while because we are all guilty of a shameful slipup now and again – though for some it does seem to be their modus operandi.
Indeed, in this selfish, greedy, dog-eat-dog world, the asshole population seems to be increasing exponentially – and not just on Wall Street with its many miscreant money traders or in the halls of government that seem to overflow with a gangrenous, noxious filth that pretends at public service. No, the ‘asshole’ phenomenon I speak of now permeates society at every level – at work, school, in church, in malls, grocery stores, drive-thru restaurants and most observably whilst driving your car on the freeway.
And so, in the understanding that a problem cannot be remedied until we first acknowledge that it exists, I have devised the following quiz to help you determine where the assholes are in your life – and perhaps establish what your friends and family have suspected about you for many years.
Note: If you answer too many of the following questions correctly; you are a prime candidate for membership in ARSE (Association of Repugnant Swine and Evil-bastards). This is nothing to be proud of.
You are driving in the passing lane on the freeway at 45 mph. Traffic is piling up behind you but you can’t drive any faster because you’re too busy text messaging your best friend, having a sip of coffee and picking your nose all at the same time. There you are, just cruising along in all your splendor whilst your Global Positioning System bleeps out road directions when, all of a sudden, some annoying, impatient, road weasel has the temerity to honk his horn at you, attempting to get you to pull over so that he can pass. Do you…
a) Get out your cell phone and call a buddy to set up a golf date.
b) Check your hair in the rearview.
c) Roll down your window and flip him “the bird.”
If you answered “c” you are an asshole – if you answered “a” – smooth move road warrior.
You are in a department store when they announce a “blue light” half-price special on “Mr. Poopy Bear” – a toy your kids would kill to have. Do you…
a) Quickly proceed to the sale area and courteously look for the end of the line, conducting your self in a civilized manner.
b) Dash to the sale and scoop up only a couple of the sale items so that others might also have a chance.
c) Grab a football helmet from the sports department and crash the line yelling, ‘Move or die, road kill!’ – and then proceed to empty the entire “poopy” display into your shopping cart.
If you answered “c” – this is a serious exhibition of ‘back passage’ type behaviour.
You’re dining at an all-you-can-eat restaurant. It is extremely busy and you’re worried there will not be enough food left for your second, third and ninth helpings, do you…
a) When confronted with only one dinner roll left on the buffet table, politely offer to split the bun with the next person in line.
b) Fill your plate with a modest portion of each of the many offerings so that others may have a chance.
c) Defy the laws of gravity by piling food three and a half feet above your plate, grab an entire apple pie from the dessert tray and then stuff the remaining bread roll down your pants.
If you answered “c” – guess what sphincter boy. If you answered “a” – that’s polite to the point of creepy. Congratulations. You’ve just been nominated for the “Mama’s Boy” award for 2014.
You are in the grocery store and you have too many items for the “8 items or less” line, do you…
a) Do the right thing and move to the regular line because you have 14 items.
b) Politely ask the cashier if you can sneak in an extra item or 6.
c) Throw your jacket over the 8 items or less sign and then pile a weeks worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.
If you answered “C” – even if you are someone’s grandma, you are in hemorrhoid territory.
An Alien spacecraft has landed in your backyard and you are the first human they encounter. In an attempt to promote intergalactic friendship, do you…
a) Offer them a refreshing earth beverage (they enjoy transmission fluid).
b) Raise your hand in a gesture of friendship and say, “Greetings and peace intergalactic space traveler. Welcome to Earth!”
c) Tell them to get the hell off your lawn and start spraying them with your garden hose.
If you answered c – way to go asshole. You’ve just set intergalactic diplomacy back a few thousand years!
Whilst standing at the back of a long line up at a popular restaurant do you…
a) Happily chat about the weather with the other people at the back of the line.
b) Patiently and quietly wait while you read a book you brought for just such an occasion.
c) Try to discourage other diners from remaining in line by loudly discussing, in excruciating detail, the severe bout of vomiting and diarrhea you experienced last time you ate at this restaurant.
If you answered “c” – swift move butt plug.
You are in the cinema and the movie has just begun. This is the time when most people sit back and relax, but not you. Do you…
a) Immediately start to talk with the person next to you and tell them what happens at the end of the movie.
b) Decide you need a snack at that very moment and get up and disturb an entire row of people – eventually returning with a massive, meal sized snack which you noisily chomp, snort and slurp on throughout the entire movie.
c) Stand up and try to start “the Wave.”
If you answered a, b or c – that pretty much describes my last movie going experience you assholes.
When you are high up on the top floor balcony of an apartment or on an observation deck do you…
a) Look to see if you can see your house from such a high vantage point.
b) Break some seriously nasty wind and hope that no one notices.
c) Check the wind speed and direction, and then try to see if you can spit on the people in the next town.
If you answered “c” cool move asshole. If you answered “b” – cut down on the fibre in your diet.
You’re at a company meeting in the boardroom. Your boss, a seriously fat-assed fifty-something guy going through a wacky mid-life crisis walks into the Monday morning meeting sporting a new toupee, an earring and a tattoo that says “Pimpin”.
a) Start by sucking up to the boss with compliments about how natural his new toupee looks.
b) Ask him if he’s lost weight.
c) Offer to wash his car.
d) Offer to lick his boots.
OK, a, b, c or d – no matter your answer, we’re all assholes in this situation. Hopefully we get to keep our jobs.
You are driving on the freeway when all of a sudden, someone passes you at break neck speed whilst laughing and flashing a “Ha-ha, I passed you” grin at you, do you…
a) Slow down and cower in the slow lane feeling impotent and ashamed.
b) Ignore the silly road dork and continue singing along to the Broadway show tunes playing on your stereo.
c) ‘Floor it’ and pull in close behind their bumper, tailing them so close they can see you mouth the words “DIE ROAD SCUM!” in their rear view mirror. Then, putting the pedal to the metal, you pull out on to the shoulder of the road kicking up voluminous quantities of dust and gravel and zoom past them at twice the legal limit whilst displaying your “special finger” (the one most associated with acrimony).
If you answered “c” you probably already know you’re an asshole and you don’t care. Your membership to ARSE is in the mail.