Monthly Archives: September 2009

Earth Invaded by Evil, Bug-Eyed Space Aliens. Run for your lives!

Make room for Martians…
By Timo Cerantola

According to NASA’s Phoenix Mars Lander, there is water on Mars; and not just signs of water that existed there billions of years ago, but water, H2O, today, now.

Yes, that precious substance of life that we humans like to spray all over our golf courses, flush down our toilets and pollute with toxic chemicals, not to mention avoid drinking eight glasses a day of – has been found on another planet.

This is a pretty important discovery because access to water would be imperative to any future manned missions to Mars. Plus, water on Mars reinforces any theory of life elsewhere in the universe. So, it’s only a matter of time before someone declares alien, non-terrestrial life a reality.

Now if you’re like me, and listen to too much of that spooky late night talk radio; you’ll know that most “Ufologists” (that’s what they call you when you spend too much time thinking about aliens and watching Star Trek reruns) have already jumped the gun when it comes to non-terrestrial alien life.

Ufologists will have you believe the universe is bursting at the seams with all kinds of weird alien creatures that are intelligent, friendly and willing to lend a hand, tentacle or slimy, claw-like protrusion to help we Earthlings solve our many self-inflicted problems.

Of course our trusty, corporate bootlicking, mainstream media prefer we live in a climate of fear; hence a different kind of alien is portrayed. Far from the harmless, lovable, ET phone-home variety that children want to cuddle, the mainstream media paint a picture of dark, sinister, malevolent beings that lurk in the shadows, waiting for an opportunity to perform sadistic genetic experiments (which includes an inordinate, if not ridiculous amount of anal probing) on an unsuspecting human population.

Imagine, highly evolved, technically superior aliens traveling light years just to look up our butts. In my book, that’s just way too curious.

My point is, we should all get ready because I suspect our not so trusty media is presently readying headlines that will read something like, ‘Earth invaded by evil, killer, bug-eyed space devils. Run for your lives! (But first, a message from our sponsor and a new comprehensive home and life insurance package that includes alien invasion coverage for a nominal fee).’

As for science, most scientists are afraid to even talk about the UFO phenomenon for fear of reducing their credibility to the level of cartoons. So instead, we routinely hear scientists pontificate that even if there is intelligent life in the universe, the likelihood of meeting them is zero because traveling the thousands of light years that separate us is scientifically impossible. Sadly, human science in all its arrogance, likes to limit an infinite universe and all of its vast potential to our present level of knowledge and understanding.

As for me personally, though I have always hoped, I have never actually seen strange flashing lights in the sky. No, sadly, the only strange flashing lights I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing were in Disco’s during the late 70’s.

Now, if we can suspend present day scientific theory for a minute and, for the sake of argument and entertainment, let’s suppose aliens are real and they are visiting Earth – why do so many people assume the aliens would want to contact Washington first?

Is it because any well-bred space alien with half-decent manners would want an official presidential ‘okey dokey’ to have a look around?

Well, hold on just a couple of light-year folks. Why would an advanced alien race need to ask anyone’s permission to have a look around earth?

To put this into perspective, I will use my ‘Humans and the Ants Analogy’ because I think humans are marginally smarter than ants and, I’ve had a few of both in my kitchen this summer.

Think about it. If you were to discover a large anthill crawling with ant life, would you ask to see the head ant first before having a look around?

Probably not! Why would you care?

I assume it is the same way with aliens and humans.

Seriously, try to look at it from the intellectually superior alien perspective. You’ve just arrived on Earth in an advanced space vehicle so complex that these inferior, Spam-for-brains humans wouldn’t even know how to flush the toilet in (if aliens even go to the bathroom).

You’re a tired alien. You’ve just traveled a pile of light years with a back seat full of noisy, yakity, impatient alien children who haven’t shut up since you passed Alpha Centauri.

Your helmet is uncomfortably hot. Your antennae are wet with perspiration and you’ve had to go to the bathroom for the last three light-years.

What you really want is a nice cool drink of that delightfully refreshing earth beverage Liquid Plumber – but instead, these arrogant, self-absorbed humans have other plans for you. They want you to waste all your time listening to no end of long-winded politicians waxing poetically about how both of our civilizations can learn from each other.

The point is, put your self in the alien’s shoes (if that’s even what aliens wear). Imagine how bored you would be with all those pompous, narcissistic bureaucrats with their stuffy, dull dinner parties and endless speeches – not to mention the constant background whine from the military begging you for your advanced technology to build better, more destructive weapons (for the purpose of world peace, love and the brotherhood of mankind).

No way! Not me! If I was an alien, and I just might be (I’ll ask my Mom, she’ll know), you’d find me on the beach or trying out some of the local food. Heck, if aliens are as advanced as we think they are, they’re going to fly right past Washington and head straight for Disney World. Now that’s an intelligent move. You can’t have a bad time at Disney.

Let’s face it; aliens don’t have to play by our rules. So be forewarned. It could be, that when the aliens finally get back to their home planet, their friends will ask them,

“So how was your Earth vacation? Did you have a nice time?”

“It was very nice.” The travel weary aliens will reply. “The music was great and the food was very delicious. We ate mostly Italian and Chinese, but the Canadians were very tasty too.” [End]

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