Monthly Archives: January 2013

Dead Possum

Look, up in the sky, it’s… Foodman

by timocerantola

Today I want to tell you about my cat Gloria.

Whenever friends come to visit, if they show any interest in Gloria, I’ll get her to perform an amazing cat trick that I call, “The Dead Possum.” It’s really quite incredible.

Although initially, I had to help Gloria (bribe her with her numerous treats) get into position, lying flat on her back and remain motionless for about 10 seconds – basically, playing dead. She caught on quickly – especially the treat reward built into the task.

Now, she just lies there like fresh road kill, looking very much like a glassy-eyed dead possum – hence the name of the trick.

“How did you train your cat to do that?” Amazed friends always ask.

“It’s simple really, Gloria will do anything for me because I am Foodman.” I then strike a dynamic pose – whilst holding my mighty can opener pointed in a skyward direction.

“Faster than a speeding hunger. More powerful than a refrigerator door. Able to supply treats on a single MEOW. And who, disguised as tim cerantola, leads a never-ending battle to provide Seafood Supreme, Chunks O’ Chicken and Salmon Surprise at the drop of a whisker, for I am a super hero – at least my cat seems to think so.

“You’re nuts!” They usually respond. (Tell me something new).

The point is, Gloria thinks I’m wonderful.

My wife and daughters think it’s cruel when I make their precious little Gloria lie in such an unnatural, almost deviant manner.

“Stop it!” They complain. “Leave her alone. It’s weird. It’s twisted. It’s sick.”

But I know for a fact, that Gloria doesn’t mind because sometimes, in her spare time, (which is pretty much always), I catch her lying on her back, in the possum position, waiting for me to give her a treat. I think she looks forward to performing her trick.

Sometimes, she’ll just collapse on my feet and look up at me as if to say, “Do you want me to do that dead possum thing? You did bring the treats?”

I’d bet that Gloria brags about me to the other cats in the neighbourhood. Her little heart swells with pride when she tells them, “Yup, I live over at Foodman’s place. He’s so wonderful. He’s like a walking food dispenser. Sometimes, he just walks through the front door with literally bags and bags full of food! That man sure knows how to bring home the tuna.”

I’d can safely say, that next to her boyfriend Romeo, and her other boyfriend Fergus, and her other boyfriends Chester, Buddy, Abdul, Wolfgang and Mr. Wibbles, I’m Gloria’s favourite mammal.

Is it any wonder that she’s so cooperative with me?

Of course, after my friends see the possum trick, they expect her to fetch my slippers and play the piano, but that’s it – her only trick, other than making food disappear. Otherwise, she’s just a typical lump ‘o cat who, like most cats, has devoted her life to the study of sleep.

But all that’s okay with me, because Gloria makes me feel important. Batman has his Robin. Lois Lane has her Superman. Gloria has Foodman. Being a superhero was on my bucket-list as a kid. I guess this is as close as I’m ever going to get.


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Brother can you spare another Trillion?



IN the beginning, there were no banks.

THEN man said, “Let there be the three-piece suit.” AND man saw that this was good (especially Armani). Then man said, “Let there be the brief case, the two martini lunch and the bank charge.”

AND when man saw what he had created, he believed that this too was good – although he decided to raise the bank charges just a bit more.

THEN man asked himself, “What else can I do to complicate my life?”

And so, man invented the stock market. And then, before you could say ‘my broker is an incompetent idiot’ – the Dow Jones became mired in a bull market; bank profits dropped and the rest of us were in debt up to our pie holes.

Now prior to the invention of money and trading on the stock market, mankind had a wonderfully efficient system called the barter system. This amazingly efficient system allowed us to trade our stuff for other peoples’ stuff. For example, you give me a bear fur and I’ll give you a couple brontosaurus steaks. You give me one of your nifty “wheel” inventions and I’ll give you the secret of fire. You give me that bag of ‘Cheesits’ and I won’t bash your skull in with this rock.

Of course, we still trade today only now, it’s done on worthless paper at the stock exchange. But as any child of three with a diverse stock portfolio (and a large rock) can plainly see, today’s stock market still parallels the old barter system in many ways – although actual living, breathing, foul-smelling livestock (other than the stock brokers) are no longer present on the trading floor.

Sometimes, I think I prefer the simplicity of the old barter system though, as many of you have probably noticed, these days Walmart will not accept a goat as payment – although the going rate for a four slice toaster among Mongolian yak herders is still two sheep, a bottle of moonshine, a deck of cards and a jar of peanut butter (which in Mongolia is the makings of one heck of a party).

Still, many people find the stock market a very confusing place. And so, in an effort to clarify any confusion, I sought out some advice from the world-renowned investment expert, Mr. Diddley P. Squat. You know what they say on the market, if you don’t know Diddley, you don’t know Squat!

Anyway, Diddley says the first thing anyone must learn when it comes to understanding the complexities of the stock market is the difference between the two very important market terms “bearish” and “bullshi… uh… bullish.”

You see, when the stock market is “bearish” it is a very depressing time, as you will often hear people say, “Jump you bastards, jump!” Indeed, it is a very sad time and often, wealthy people can be seen weeping openly in their Mercedes limos.

However, when the stock market is “bullish” it is a very, very happy time (of lies, rumor and deceit) among wealthy people who will still insist that business is bad.

As for market volatility, the best anyone can figure is that the stock market seems to go into a decline because someone starts a rumor that the market is about to go into a decline – and so it declines. And then, usually the next working day, someone else starts a new rumor that the market is about to go through the roof, and it does.

Of course, in these days of bailouts and socialism for free market capitalists, there are no rules any more. If the market collapses due to the corrupt and odious business practices of the many scoundrels in banking and finance, our political leaders will rush to their rescue using the full power of government (you and your money) and inject billions, if not trillions of taxpayer dollars to save their sorry unethical asses. After all, no one wants to see greedy crooked rich people lose their money.

Speaking of the rich, have you ever noticed when you’re out with a group of friends, it’s only the rich ones who complain about money?

Sadly, I have nothing to complain about and so I let the rich worry about money. I spend my valuable time groveling for food but, as usual, I digress from the topic at hand.

As many of you are painfully aware, the US and many of Europe’s economies are still in turmoil – mostly due to the shameful pursuits of stock market financiers and the aforementioned unscrupulous swindlers in banking.

As I see it, the root problem isn’t about money; the problem is a lack of ethical and honest brokering.

Really, it couldn’t get much worse (but it will). You see, despite the encouraging spin you hear daily in the mainstream media, the real American economy is and will continue to be a total basket case for many years to come. This is mainly due to the enormous, multi-trillion dollar debt America has amassed combined with the continued lack of any real ‘nuts and bolts’ economy America needs to service that massive debt.

But don’t worry, Barack Obama has assured us that we have all the right con men working hard to fix our problems – if necessary with more bailouts.

Yes, more bailouts are probably on the horizon, because looming in the background are many more financial bubbles like treasury bonds, commercial real estate or credit cards all ripe and ready to burst.

And once again, I imagine raising the debt ceiling will get the same heavily propagandized media selling job as the last bailout; complete with the usual scare-mongering of martial law, losing our homes, losing our pensions, increase in pestilence, nuclear attack, alien invasion, the sky is falling… if we don’t go along with their economic strategy. (If they really wanted to scare us, they should threaten no TV for a week).

If we are to truly save our poor, sorry, indebted butts, we need honest people running the show and let’s face it kids, there just aren’t that many people in banking and the stock market with the right expertise, if the expertise required is honest brokering.

Experts without vested interests do not exist on Wall Street, in banks, in the Obama administration or in other world governments – or among lawyers, or in politics, the oil industry, the auto industry, or the Pentagon, military industrial complex, pharmaceutical industry, car sales, shoe sales…

So, there’s nothing to worry about, unless of course you were counting on maintaining your quality of life and addiction to food for an extended period of time. Then, there may be a problem. Or, to put it more succinctly, Mr. Fan may I introduce Mr. Shit. 

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