Look, up in the sky, it’s… Foodman
Today I want to tell you about my cat Gloria.
Whenever friends come to visit, if they show any interest in Gloria, I’ll get her to perform an amazing cat trick that I call, “The Dead Possum.” It’s really quite incredible.
Although initially, I had to help Gloria (bribe her with her numerous treats) get into position, lying flat on her back and remain motionless for about 10 seconds – basically, playing dead. She caught on quickly – especially the treat reward built into the task.
Now, she just lies there like fresh road kill, looking very much like a glassy-eyed dead possum – hence the name of the trick.
“How did you train your cat to do that?” Amazed friends always ask.
“It’s simple really, Gloria will do anything for me because I am Foodman.” I then strike a dynamic pose – whilst holding my mighty can opener pointed in a skyward direction.
“Faster than a speeding hunger. More powerful than a refrigerator door. Able to supply treats on a single MEOW. And who, disguised as tim cerantola, leads a never-ending battle to provide Seafood Supreme, Chunks O’ Chicken and Salmon Surprise at the drop of a whisker, for I am a super hero – at least my cat seems to think so.
“You’re nuts!” They usually respond. (Tell me something new).
The point is, Gloria thinks I’m wonderful.
My wife and daughters think it’s cruel when I make their precious little Gloria lie in such an unnatural, almost deviant manner.
“Stop it!” They complain. “Leave her alone. It’s weird. It’s twisted. It’s sick.”
But I know for a fact, that Gloria doesn’t mind because sometimes, in her spare time, (which is pretty much always), I catch her lying on her back, in the possum position, waiting for me to give her a treat. I think she looks forward to performing her trick.
Sometimes, she’ll just collapse on my feet and look up at me as if to say, “Do you want me to do that dead possum thing? You did bring the treats?”
I’d bet that Gloria brags about me to the other cats in the neighbourhood. Her little heart swells with pride when she tells them, “Yup, I live over at Foodman’s place. He’s so wonderful. He’s like a walking food dispenser. Sometimes, he just walks through the front door with literally bags and bags full of food! That man sure knows how to bring home the tuna.”
I’d can safely say, that next to her boyfriend Romeo, and her other boyfriend Fergus, and her other boyfriends Chester, Buddy, Abdul, Wolfgang and Mr. Wibbles, I’m Gloria’s favourite mammal.
Is it any wonder that she’s so cooperative with me?
Of course, after my friends see the possum trick, they expect her to fetch my slippers and play the piano, but that’s it – her only trick, other than making food disappear. Otherwise, she’s just a typical lump ‘o cat who, like most cats, has devoted her life to the study of sleep.
But all that’s okay with me, because Gloria makes me feel important. Batman has his Robin. Lois Lane has her Superman. Gloria has Foodman. Being a superhero was on my bucket-list as a kid. I guess this is as close as I’m ever going to get.