The Apocalypse Quiz

By Timo Cerantola

According to many psychics, religious fundamentalists and doomsday enthusiasts (who are all, more or less, the same people), the prophesied final battle between good and evil is imminent.

In fact, these apocalyptic predictions are taken so seriously by so many, that a very profitable “end times” industry has emerged to service this growing need for pain, suffering, annihilation and ruin. True. The fans of death and destruction are many and they are willing to pay for a daily dosage of doom and gloom by way of newspapers, books and movies.

Granted, in view of recent world events, our collective demise doesn’t seem like as much of a stretch as it used to – especially when a fear mongering corporate media cheers from the sidelines, selling war and death along with their regular daily offerings of natural disasters, disease, pestilence and crime.

Still, despite this marketing of doom and prophetic pretentiousness, as far as I’m concerned, this end of the world business is nothing but mindless nonsense and Nostradamus is just a great name for a new sinus medication.

However, just in case I’m wrong and ‘final judgment’ will soon be upon us, perhaps you should prepare yourselves with some end times knowledge and take this, The Apocalypse Quiz.

Question number 1…

When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing for you to remember?

a) To hide in your basement with plenty of guns and ammo.
b) The Pledge of Allegiance.
c) Your faith in God’s love and your eternal soul.
d) To bring clean underwear.

2. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…

a) When planet Nibiru collides with the earth later this year.
b) When the DOW drops below 5,000 (later this year).
c) When the “fat lady” sings.
d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington, Moscow, Beijing…

3. When looking for signs of the end times, we are told to look for…

a) Great signs in the heavens

b) “www-endtimes-com” on the Internet

c) An increase in global disasters

d) an increase in homeowner insurance premiums.

4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes who will inherit the earth?

a) The Federal Reserve
b) Bill Gates Jr.
c) Vladimir Putin
d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).

5. What is meant by “the rapture?”

a) Something that can happen when you pick up a really heavy object.
b) A Toronto basketball player.
c) It’s when God rescues His faithful before the battle of Armageddon.
d) It’s the feeling I’ll get when the Toronto Maple Leafs finally win
the Stanley Cup again.

6. It is said when Jesus returns; he will set up his earthly kingdom in.

a) New York
b) New Jersey
c) Disney World (next to Epcot)
d) The New Jerusalem

7. Which of the following 2 characters did NOT help Dorothy find her way to the Emerald City?

a) The Scarecrow
b) The Anti-Christ
c) The Tin Man
d) The False Prophet
e) The Cowardly Lion

8. In the 11th century, Malachy, an Irish Bishop, made a series of predictions listing the remaining 112 Popes leading up to Armageddon. According to Malachi, only one Pope remains after our present Pope Frances. Pick the correct one…

a) Pope Peter, the Roman.
b) Pope Obama, the lame duck
c) Pope Arnold, the Schwartzenegger.
d) Pope Bernanke – the Pope of Wall Street.

9. Which of the following is NOT an Edgar Cayce prophecy?

a) Atlantis will rise from the depths of the Atlantic.
b) A cataclysmic earthquake change will cause the Great Lakes
to drain into the Gulf of Mexico.
c) California and Japan will sink into the Pacific Ocean.
d) Pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes – or it’s free.

And finally…

10. What have the prophets really been trying to warn mankind of for these many centuries?

a) Of the many earth changes to come.
b) That the mark of “the Beast” is just a bad haircut.
c) That the words prophet and profit are surprisingly similar.
d) That like P.T. Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.

YOUR QUIZ SCORE: Who cares? The end is near for Pete’s sake. For once in your life stop trying to be such a smarty-pants!


1 Comment

Filed under humor

One response to “The Apocalypse Quiz

  1. hilarious! i’m going down in flames!

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