Monthly Archives: April 2014

The Asshole Quiz – are you one?

bytimocerantola

Am I an asshole? Don’t answer yet (though I believe I know what your response will be).

This is a question we all should ask ourselves once in a while because we are all guilty of a shameful slipup now and again – though for some it does seem to be their modus operandi.

Indeed, in this selfish, greedy, dog-eat-dog world, the asshole population seems to be increasing exponentially – and not just on Wall Street with its many miscreant money traders or in the halls of government that seem to overflow with a gangrenous, noxious filth that pretends at public service. No, the ‘asshole’ phenomenon I speak of now permeates society at every level – at work, school, in church, in malls, grocery stores, drive-thru restaurants and most observably whilst driving your car on the freeway.

And so, in the understanding that a problem cannot be remedied until we first acknowledge that it exists, I have devised the following quiz to help you determine where the assholes are in your life – and perhaps establish what your friends and family have suspected about you for many years.

Note: If you answer too many of the following questions correctly; you are a prime candidate for membership in ARSE (Association of Repugnant Swine and Evil-bastards). This is nothing to be proud of.

Question #1.

You are driving in the passing lane on the freeway at 45 mph. Traffic is piling up behind you but you can’t drive any faster because you’re too busy text messaging your best friend, having a sip of coffee and picking your nose all at the same time. There you are, just cruising along in all your splendor whilst your Global Positioning System bleeps out road directions when, all of a sudden, some annoying, impatient, road weasel has the temerity to honk his horn at you, attempting to get you to pull over so that he can pass. Do you…

a) Get out your cell phone and call a buddy to set up a golf date.
b) Check your hair in the rearview.
c) Roll down your window and flip him “the bird.”

If you answered “c” you are an asshole – if you answered “a” – smooth move road warrior.

Question #2.

You are in a department store when they announce a “blue light” half-price special on “Mr. Poopy Bear” – a toy your kids would kill to have. Do you…

a) Quickly proceed to the sale area and courteously look for the end of the line, conducting your self in a civilized manner.
b) Dash to the sale and scoop up only a couple of the sale items so that others might also have a chance.
c) Grab a football helmet from the sports department and crash the line yelling, ‘Move or die, road kill!’ – and then proceed to empty the entire “poopy” display into your shopping cart.

If you answered “c” – this is a serious exhibition of ‘back passage’ type behaviour.

Question #3.

You’re dining at an all-you-can-eat restaurant. It is extremely busy and you’re worried there will not be enough food left for your second, third and ninth helpings, do you…

a) When confronted with only one dinner roll left on the buffet table, politely offer to split the bun with the next person in line.
b) Fill your plate with a modest portion of each of the many offerings so that others may have a chance.
c) Defy the laws of gravity by piling food three and a half feet above your plate, grab an entire apple pie from the dessert tray and then stuff the remaining bread roll down your pants.

If you answered “c” – guess what sphincter boy. If you answered “a” – that’s polite to the point of creepy. Congratulations. You’ve just been nominated for the “Mama’s Boy” award for 2014.

Question #4.

You are in the grocery store and you have too many items for the “8 items or less” line, do you…

a) Do the right thing and move to the regular line because you have 14 items.
b) Politely ask the cashier if you can sneak in an extra item or 6.
c) Throw your jacket over the 8 items or less sign and then pile a weeks worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.

If you answered “C” – even if you are someone’s grandma, you are in hemorrhoid territory.

Question #5.

An Alien spacecraft has landed in your backyard and you are the first human they encounter. In an attempt to promote intergalactic friendship, do you…

a) Offer them a refreshing earth beverage (they enjoy transmission fluid).
b) Raise your hand in a gesture of friendship and say, “Greetings and peace intergalactic space traveler. Welcome to Earth!”
c) Tell them to get the hell off your lawn and start spraying them with your garden hose.

If you answered c – way to go asshole. You’ve just set intergalactic diplomacy back a few thousand years!

Question #6.

Whilst standing at the back of a long line up at a popular restaurant do you…
a) Happily chat about the weather with the other people at the back of the line.
b) Patiently and quietly wait while you read a book you brought for just such an occasion.
c) Try to discourage other diners from remaining in line by loudly discussing, in excruciating detail, the severe bout of vomiting and diarrhea you experienced last time you ate at this restaurant.

If you answered “c” – swift move butt plug.

Question #7.

You are in the cinema and the movie has just begun. This is the time when most people sit back and relax, but not you. Do you…

a) Immediately start to talk with the person next to you and tell them what happens at the end of the movie.
b) Decide you need a snack at that very moment and get up and disturb an entire row of people – eventually returning with a massive, meal sized snack which you noisily chomp, snort and slurp on throughout the entire movie.
c) Stand up and try to start “the Wave.”

If you answered a, b or c – that pretty much describes my last movie going experience you assholes.

Question #8.

When you are high up on the top floor balcony of an apartment or on an observation deck do you…

a) Look to see if you can see your house from such a high vantage point.
b) Break some seriously nasty wind and hope that no one notices.
c) Check the wind speed and direction, and then try to see if you can spit on the people in the next town.

If you answered “c” cool move asshole. If you answered “b” – cut down on the fibre in your diet.

Question #9.

You’re at a company meeting in the boardroom. Your boss, a seriously fat-assed fifty-something guy going through a wacky mid-life crisis walks into the Monday morning meeting sporting a new toupee, an earring and a tattoo that says “Pimpin”.
Do you…

a) Start by sucking up to the boss with compliments about how natural his new toupee looks.
b) Ask him if he’s lost weight.
c) Offer to wash his car.
d) Offer to lick his boots.

OK, a, b, c or d – no matter your answer, we’re all assholes in this situation. Hopefully we get to keep our jobs.

Finally,
Question #10.

You are driving on the freeway when all of a sudden, someone passes you at break neck speed whilst laughing and flashing a “Ha-ha, I passed you” grin at you, do you…

a) Slow down and cower in the slow lane feeling impotent and ashamed.
b) Ignore the silly road dork and continue singing along to the Broadway show tunes playing on your stereo.
c) ‘Floor it’ and pull in close behind their bumper, tailing them so close they can see you mouth the words “DIE ROAD SCUM!” in their rear view mirror. Then, putting the pedal to the metal, you pull out on to the shoulder of the road kicking up voluminous quantities of dust and gravel and zoom past them at twice the legal limit whilst displaying your “special finger” (the one most associated with acrimony).

If you answered “c” you probably already know you’re an asshole and you don’t care. Your membership to ARSE is in the mail.

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Make Room For Martians

bytimocerantola

Scientists have discovered a new body of water the size of Lake Superior – and, it’s not even on the Earth, it’s on Enceladus – one of the moons of Saturn.

Hey, this is big news nerd. We’re not talking about evidence of water or water that existed billions of years ago. We’re talking about water now. You know, water – that precious substance of life that we humans like to spray all over golf courses, flush down our toilets, pollute with toxic chemicals and avoid drinking eight glasses of daily.

Seriously dude, this discovery is very important because non-terrestrial water is vital to all future manned space mission plus, finding water elsewhere in the universe gives credibility to the many theories of extra terrestrial life (not to mention makes me feel better about those big-headed, bug-eyed space devils that keep landing their saucers in my backyard every night).

Now, if you’re like me and listen to too much of that spooky late night radio, you’ll know that most “Ufologists” (that’s what they call you when you spend too much time thinking about aliens and watching Star Trek reruns) have already jumped the gun when it comes to non-terrestrial alien life.

True. Ufologists would have us believe the universe is bursting at the seams with weird alien creatures that are intelligent, friendly and willing to lend a hand (or slimy, claw-like protrusion) to help Earth solve its many self-inflicted problems.

Of course our media likes to promote a climate of fear; hence they portray aliens as sinister, malevolent beings that lurk in the shadows waiting for any opportunity to perform their sadistic genetic experiments (which oddly includes an inordinate amount of anal probing) on a defenseless human population. Personally, I just cannot believe that such highly evolved, technically superior aliens would travel light years just to look up our butts. In my book, that’s just way too curious.

As for science, to date most scientists are afraid to even talk about the UFO phenomenon for fear of reducing their credibility to the level of cartoons. Instead, we routinely hear scientists pontificate that even if there is extra-terrestrial life, the likelihood of meeting them is zero because traveling the thousands of light years that likely separate us is scientifically impossible.

Sadly, human science in all its arrogance, likes to limit an infinite universe and all of its vast potential to our present level of knowledge and understanding.

As for me personally, though I have always hoped, I have never actually seen strange flashing lights in the sky. No, sadly the only strange flashing lights I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing were in Discos during the late 70’s.

Now, if we can suspend present day scientific theory for a minute and, for the sake of argument, suppose that aliens are real and they are visiting Earth – why do so many people assume that the aliens would want to contact Washington first?

Is it because any well-bred space alien with half-decent manners would want to get an official presidential ‘okey dokey’ to have a look around?

Really?

Why would an advanced alien race bother to ask for permission?

To put this into perspective, I will use my ‘Humans and the Ants’ analogy because I think humans are marginally smarter than ants and, I’ve had a few of both in my kitchen this spring.

Think about it. If you were to discover a large anthill crawling with ant life, would you ask to see the Head Ant first before having a look around?

Probably not! Why would you care?

I assume it is the same way with aliens and humans.

Seriously, look at it from the intellectually superior alien perspective. You’ve just arrived on Earth in an advanced spacecraft so complex that these inferior, Spam-for-brains humans wouldn’t even know how to flush the toilet in (if aliens even go to the bathroom).

You’re a tired alien. You’ve just traveled a humongous pile of light years with a back seat full of noisy, blabbering, impatient alien children who haven’t shut up since you passed Alpha Centauri. Your helmet is hot. Your antennae are drenched with perspiration and you’ve had to go to the bathroom for the last three light-years.

What you really want is a nice cool drink of that delightfully refreshing earth beverage ‘transmission fluid’ but, instead, these arrogant, self-absorbed humans have other plans for you as they want you to waste your time listening to no end of long-winded politicians waxing poetically about how both of our civilizations can learn from each other.

Seriously, put yourself in the alien’s shoes (if that’s even what aliens wear). Imagine how bored you’d be in Washington with all those pompous, narcissistic blow-hards with their dull dinner parties and endless speeches – not to mention the constant whine from the military begging you for your advanced technology so that they could build better, even more destructive weapons (for the purpose of world peace, love and the brotherhood of mankind).

No way! Not me! If I was an alien and I just might be (I’ll ask my Mom, she’ll know), you’d find me on the beach or trying out some of the local food. Heck, if aliens are as advanced as we think they are, they’re going to fly right past Washington and head straight for Disney World. Now that’s an intelligent move. You can’t have a bad time at Disney World.

Let’s face it kids, aliens don’t have to play by our rules. So be forewarned. It could be, that when the aliens finally get back to their home planet, their friends will ask them,

“So how was your Earth vacation? Did you have a nice time?”
“It was very nice,” The travel weary aliens will reply, “The music was great and the food was very delicious. We ate mostly Italian and Chinese, but the Canadians were very tasty too.”

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