Make Room For Martians


Scientists have discovered a new body of water the size of Lake Superior – and, it’s not even on the Earth, it’s on Enceladus – one of the moons of Saturn.

Hey, this is big news nerd. We’re not talking about evidence of water or water that existed billions of years ago. We’re talking about water now. You know, water – that precious substance of life that we humans like to spray all over golf courses, flush down our toilets, pollute with toxic chemicals and avoid drinking eight glasses of daily.

Seriously dude, this discovery is very important because non-terrestrial water is vital to all future manned space mission plus, finding water elsewhere in the universe gives credibility to the many theories of extra terrestrial life (not to mention makes me feel better about those big-headed, bug-eyed space devils that keep landing their saucers in my backyard every night).

Now, if you’re like me and listen to too much of that spooky late night radio, you’ll know that most “Ufologists” (that’s what they call you when you spend too much time thinking about aliens and watching Star Trek reruns) have already jumped the gun when it comes to non-terrestrial alien life.

True. Ufologists would have us believe the universe is bursting at the seams with weird alien creatures that are intelligent, friendly and willing to lend a hand (or slimy, claw-like protrusion) to help Earth solve its many self-inflicted problems.

Of course our media likes to promote a climate of fear; hence they portray aliens as sinister, malevolent beings that lurk in the shadows waiting for any opportunity to perform their sadistic genetic experiments (which oddly includes an inordinate amount of anal probing) on a defenseless human population. Personally, I just cannot believe that such highly evolved, technically superior aliens would travel light years just to look up our butts. In my book, that’s just way too curious.

As for science, to date most scientists are afraid to even talk about the UFO phenomenon for fear of reducing their credibility to the level of cartoons. Instead, we routinely hear scientists pontificate that even if there is extra-terrestrial life, the likelihood of meeting them is zero because traveling the thousands of light years that likely separate us is scientifically impossible.

Sadly, human science in all its arrogance, likes to limit an infinite universe and all of its vast potential to our present level of knowledge and understanding.

As for me personally, though I have always hoped, I have never actually seen strange flashing lights in the sky. No, sadly the only strange flashing lights I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing were in Discos during the late 70’s.

Now, if we can suspend present day scientific theory for a minute and, for the sake of argument, suppose that aliens are real and they are visiting Earth – why do so many people assume that the aliens would want to contact Washington first?

Is it because any well-bred space alien with half-decent manners would want to get an official presidential ‘okey dokey’ to have a look around?


Why would an advanced alien race bother to ask for permission?

To put this into perspective, I will use my ‘Humans and the Ants’ analogy because I think humans are marginally smarter than ants and, I’ve had a few of both in my kitchen this spring.

Think about it. If you were to discover a large anthill crawling with ant life, would you ask to see the Head Ant first before having a look around?

Probably not! Why would you care?

I assume it is the same way with aliens and humans.

Seriously, look at it from the intellectually superior alien perspective. You’ve just arrived on Earth in an advanced spacecraft so complex that these inferior, Spam-for-brains humans wouldn’t even know how to flush the toilet in (if aliens even go to the bathroom).

You’re a tired alien. You’ve just traveled a humongous pile of light years with a back seat full of noisy, blabbering, impatient alien children who haven’t shut up since you passed Alpha Centauri. Your helmet is hot. Your antennae are drenched with perspiration and you’ve had to go to the bathroom for the last three light-years.

What you really want is a nice cool drink of that delightfully refreshing earth beverage ‘transmission fluid’ but, instead, these arrogant, self-absorbed humans have other plans for you as they want you to waste your time listening to no end of long-winded politicians waxing poetically about how both of our civilizations can learn from each other.

Seriously, put yourself in the alien’s shoes (if that’s even what aliens wear). Imagine how bored you’d be in Washington with all those pompous, narcissistic blow-hards with their dull dinner parties and endless speeches – not to mention the constant whine from the military begging you for your advanced technology so that they could build better, even more destructive weapons (for the purpose of world peace, love and the brotherhood of mankind).

No way! Not me! If I was an alien and I just might be (I’ll ask my Mom, she’ll know), you’d find me on the beach or trying out some of the local food. Heck, if aliens are as advanced as we think they are, they’re going to fly right past Washington and head straight for Disney World. Now that’s an intelligent move. You can’t have a bad time at Disney World.

Let’s face it kids, aliens don’t have to play by our rules. So be forewarned. It could be, that when the aliens finally get back to their home planet, their friends will ask them,

“So how was your Earth vacation? Did you have a nice time?”
“It was very nice,” The travel weary aliens will reply, “The music was great and the food was very delicious. We ate mostly Italian and Chinese, but the Canadians were very tasty too.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Alien Invasions, funny, humor, humour, Life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s