Category Archives: Alien Invasions

Make Room For Martians

bytimocerantola

Scientists have discovered a new body of water the size of Lake Superior – and, it’s not even on the Earth, it’s on Enceladus – one of the moons of Saturn.

Hey, this is big news nerd. We’re not talking about evidence of water or water that existed billions of years ago. We’re talking about water now. You know, water – that precious substance of life that we humans like to spray all over golf courses, flush down our toilets, pollute with toxic chemicals and avoid drinking eight glasses of daily.

Seriously dude, this discovery is very important because non-terrestrial water is vital to all future manned space mission plus, finding water elsewhere in the universe gives credibility to the many theories of extra terrestrial life (not to mention makes me feel better about those big-headed, bug-eyed space devils that keep landing their saucers in my backyard every night).

Now, if you’re like me and listen to too much of that spooky late night radio, you’ll know that most “Ufologists” (that’s what they call you when you spend too much time thinking about aliens and watching Star Trek reruns) have already jumped the gun when it comes to non-terrestrial alien life.

True. Ufologists would have us believe the universe is bursting at the seams with weird alien creatures that are intelligent, friendly and willing to lend a hand (or slimy, claw-like protrusion) to help Earth solve its many self-inflicted problems.

Of course our media likes to promote a climate of fear; hence they portray aliens as sinister, malevolent beings that lurk in the shadows waiting for any opportunity to perform their sadistic genetic experiments (which oddly includes an inordinate amount of anal probing) on a defenseless human population. Personally, I just cannot believe that such highly evolved, technically superior aliens would travel light years just to look up our butts. In my book, that’s just way too curious.

As for science, to date most scientists are afraid to even talk about the UFO phenomenon for fear of reducing their credibility to the level of cartoons. Instead, we routinely hear scientists pontificate that even if there is extra-terrestrial life, the likelihood of meeting them is zero because traveling the thousands of light years that likely separate us is scientifically impossible.

Sadly, human science in all its arrogance, likes to limit an infinite universe and all of its vast potential to our present level of knowledge and understanding.

As for me personally, though I have always hoped, I have never actually seen strange flashing lights in the sky. No, sadly the only strange flashing lights I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing were in Discos during the late 70’s.

Now, if we can suspend present day scientific theory for a minute and, for the sake of argument, suppose that aliens are real and they are visiting Earth – why do so many people assume that the aliens would want to contact Washington first?

Is it because any well-bred space alien with half-decent manners would want to get an official presidential ‘okey dokey’ to have a look around?

Really?

Why would an advanced alien race bother to ask for permission?

To put this into perspective, I will use my ‘Humans and the Ants’ analogy because I think humans are marginally smarter than ants and, I’ve had a few of both in my kitchen this spring.

Think about it. If you were to discover a large anthill crawling with ant life, would you ask to see the Head Ant first before having a look around?

Probably not! Why would you care?

I assume it is the same way with aliens and humans.

Seriously, look at it from the intellectually superior alien perspective. You’ve just arrived on Earth in an advanced spacecraft so complex that these inferior, Spam-for-brains humans wouldn’t even know how to flush the toilet in (if aliens even go to the bathroom).

You’re a tired alien. You’ve just traveled a humongous pile of light years with a back seat full of noisy, blabbering, impatient alien children who haven’t shut up since you passed Alpha Centauri. Your helmet is hot. Your antennae are drenched with perspiration and you’ve had to go to the bathroom for the last three light-years.

What you really want is a nice cool drink of that delightfully refreshing earth beverage ‘transmission fluid’ but, instead, these arrogant, self-absorbed humans have other plans for you as they want you to waste your time listening to no end of long-winded politicians waxing poetically about how both of our civilizations can learn from each other.

Seriously, put yourself in the alien’s shoes (if that’s even what aliens wear). Imagine how bored you’d be in Washington with all those pompous, narcissistic blow-hards with their dull dinner parties and endless speeches – not to mention the constant whine from the military begging you for your advanced technology so that they could build better, even more destructive weapons (for the purpose of world peace, love and the brotherhood of mankind).

No way! Not me! If I was an alien and I just might be (I’ll ask my Mom, she’ll know), you’d find me on the beach or trying out some of the local food. Heck, if aliens are as advanced as we think they are, they’re going to fly right past Washington and head straight for Disney World. Now that’s an intelligent move. You can’t have a bad time at Disney World.

Let’s face it kids, aliens don’t have to play by our rules. So be forewarned. It could be, that when the aliens finally get back to their home planet, their friends will ask them,

“So how was your Earth vacation? Did you have a nice time?”
“It was very nice,” The travel weary aliens will reply, “The music was great and the food was very delicious. We ate mostly Italian and Chinese, but the Canadians were very tasty too.”

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Resistance is Futile

bytimocerantola

On the way home from work last night, the news reported that the price of was going up by 4 cents a litre at midnight. So, I pulled into the very first gas station I saw and uttered some words I rarely ever say.

“Fill’er up.” I told the attendant. Eighty-three dollars and several tears later, I was on my way.

As I drove off, I thought back to the early 1960’s when my Dad would pull into our friendly neighbourhood BP (British Petroleum) gas station and say…

“Fill’er up or five dollars – whichever comes first!”

For those of you who have never visited the sixties, back then, gas station attendants, fearing an overflow, would be very cautious when trying to squeeze a whole five dollars worth of gas into your tank. If this sounds far-fetched to you, ask your grandparents to verify this seemingly unbelievable assertion.

Back then, even though my father drove a gas pig, five dollars was enough for a week’s worth of driving in the family boat. Of course my dad never took us anywhere, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, as expected, this morning the price of gas jumped the reported 4 cents a litre to 132.9 cents – or approximately $6 per gallon.

If you expect your government to do anything about the ever-rising fuel costs, forget it. Sure, at election time they always promise to look into the matter but, the sad truth is, other than getting the usual group of officious sock-puppets and political windbags together to form gaseous committees, our leaders have proven to be impotent when it comes to doing battle with the ‘big oil’ corporations.

Many people believe the price of gas could be easily reduced if the government merely dropped the taxes but, according to one government spokesperson I heard recently on a radio show, this strategy will not work. According to this bureaucratic blowhard, our government does everything possible to keep the price of fuel low because they truly feel for you and me, the gas buying public. But alas, he explained, decreasing taxes will not lower the price.

NOTE: Before I go any further on how lowering gas taxes has no effect on the price, to fully understand the convoluted logic of the political mind you must first bang your head repeatedly against a concrete wall. This will properly prepare your brain to absorb the information. Come back when you’re done. I’ll still be here.

Back so soon?

Feeling a little woozy?

Good, it should help.

Now, as I heard it explained on the radio, lowering taxes will have no effect on the price of gas. Rather, lowering taxes will only serve as a signal to oil producers to raise prices even further because the public is already acclimatized to paying the higher price anyway. Sadly, according to some of the brightest minds in official-dumb, government is powerless to do anything about gas prices except, of course, rake-in billions in tax dollars.

For a brief moment, I actually started to buy into this weird, crazy explanation. But then the sobering truth hit me like an unquenchable gas-guzzling Hummer. I had an epiphany. I finally understood what was really going on behind the scenes in government institutions all around the world. It was the only logical explanation. The world’s leaders have been taken over by those evil, half man/half machine Borg aliens from Star Trek and we are all about to be assimilated – one gas tank at a time!

Think about it. First they encourage us to support the economy by buying large, expensive, gas-thirsty vehicles. Then, they slowly jack-up the price of gas until we are spending more on fuel than food.  Finally, they’ve got us where they’ve always wanted us (by the pistons) – and that’s when, like in Star Trek, they assimilate you. Resistance is futile. You are Borg and part of the gasoline-addicted collective!

It’s scandalous, but somehow “big oil” has managed to turn the entire car driving public into passive, puerile, pushovers. We’ve become a bunch of languid, lazy-minded automatons who have forgotten about natural human locomotion.

C’mon people, think about it! There is only one way to do battle with these greedy gas titans and the battle cry is “WE WILL WALK – or at least ride our bikes!”

That’s right. For our collective health and wealth, not to mention cleaner air, we must start walking more and using our vehicles only when absolutely necessary.

Sure, we may be losing the battle now, but the war has just begun. If the world’s oil producers suddenly see hundreds of millions of people walking and riding their bikes to work, they’ll quake with fear and lower their gasoline prices immediately. Trust me, I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek. I know how to handle the Borg.

 

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What would Captain Kirk do?

Image

When Star Trek first arrived on television in 1966, it was perfect timing for me. I was just a nine-year-old kid in search of a super hero. After that first show, I was hooked. I had found my super hero role model in Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

True, I had always fancied myself the two-fisted, self-righteous, pompous windbag type. Most other nine-years went the Superman or Batman route but, the cape and spandex tights scene never appealed to me. I always thought it a bit too showy, not to mention clingy.

Speaking of klingy, as one who sat and watched the very first Star Trek episode ever, I was there to watch Kirk beat the ever-living gagh out of his first Klingon. From my naive nine-year-old perspective, saving the universe each week was the kind of thing that could make you really popular with the girls. It also really appealed to my sense of self worth and carried over into my every day life.

Indeed, whenever I found myself in a bind that required some quick thinking, super-hero type action, I would ask myself, “What Captain Kirk would do in this situation?”

Well, any Trekkie worth his weight in tribbles knew that Kirk, after beating the stuffing out of some good-for-nothing alien lizard creature (in the worst TV fight scene ever – link below), would find a peaceful solution to their conflict and then afterwards, wax on endlessly about intergalactic peace, harmony and all that prime directive crap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N8I3idCxno

Then Kirk would scoop up the cute girl in the mini skirt and warp factor two his way out of there as the credits began to roll.

Captain Kirk impressed me so much that, when the time came to pick a confirmation name, I chose the name “James” – although I must admit my first choice was actually “Spock.” My parents and Father O’Reilly had to talk me out of the name, suggesting that even the names “Scotty” or “Tiberius” were more appropriate. Besides, they assured me, women find Vulcans very boring.

Even in high school, I still found myself wondering what would Kirk do in any given situation. This is probably where a lot of my problems in adolescence began. Lets face it, most girls in high school don’t want to date a guy who wears a Starfleet uniform to school – even if he can do the Vulcan “live long a prosper” salute with both hands, and one foot.

Still, like Kirk, chivalrous to a fault, I was at the ready to defend the honour of any damsel in distress.

Example: You are at your high school dance when you see some creepy guy bothering a girl that you know. Well, what are you going to do? Well, any super hero worth his weight in spandex tights is going to do something, right?

What would Captain Kirk do? Kirk would approach the bully and warn him off by saying something like, “Listen mister. I’d prefer to settle this peacefully and within Prime Directive parameters but, if I have to, I’ll kick your butt half way to Alpha Centauri and back if you don’t watch your manners.” Then, I’d stare him in the eye with that look that says, I really will bust you one in the chops (you ugly klingon bastard). Of course, if that didn’t work, Kirk could always get his talented alien friend Mr. Spock to slap a Vulcan mind meld on him, blowing up his brain and leaving him in a completely vegetative state. Unfortunately, the only alien friends I had were in grade 9 and, the only talents they had were making fart noises with their armpits.

Hey, I was no hero. Never in a million years would I take that approach. I was a realist at heart and knew that if a bully didn’t go for my bluff, I could end up taking a full phaser blast to the face. And, unlike Kirk, I didn’t have some genius Doctor McCoy on standby ready to put my nose back where it belonged.

The truth is, in a tense situation like this, forget my Star Trek daydreams, I’d be more likely use the Woody Allen approach, attempting to dazzle some half wit thug with a complex diatribe of adjectives and tap dancing. And then, I’d make up a story about how they’re giving away free beer in the parking lot and that he should go check it out.

If you haven’t noticed, Star Trek is still a big player in pop culture and society in general. Just as it has played a significant part in my life, it affects the lives of many (mostly nerds) today.

I know what you’re thinking. Beam me up, this guy is nuttier than a waldorf salad. OK, it’s not like I’m going to dedicate my life to learning the klingon language or join the William Shatner fan club. That all ended years ago, when I turned 50.

Still, you’ve got to admit, life does tend to imitate art. Already, a lot of our technology like ipads, ipods and cell phones emulate Star Trek’s tech. So, don’t be surprised if the next fashion craze (after body piercing) turns out to be surgically enhanced pointy ears.

And now, to view the absolute best fight scene in TV history, follow the link. Cheers, timo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09VxIwmL4FU

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Earth Invaded by Evil, Bug-Eyed Space Aliens. Run for your lives!

Make room for Martians…
By Timo Cerantola

According to NASA’s Phoenix Mars Lander, there is water on Mars; and not just signs of water that existed there billions of years ago, but water, H2O, today, now.

Yes, that precious substance of life that we humans like to spray all over our golf courses, flush down our toilets and pollute with toxic chemicals, not to mention avoid drinking eight glasses a day of – has been found on another planet.

This is a pretty important discovery because access to water would be imperative to any future manned missions to Mars. Plus, water on Mars reinforces any theory of life elsewhere in the universe. So, it’s only a matter of time before someone declares alien, non-terrestrial life a reality.

Now if you’re like me, and listen to too much of that spooky late night talk radio; you’ll know that most “Ufologists” (that’s what they call you when you spend too much time thinking about aliens and watching Star Trek reruns) have already jumped the gun when it comes to non-terrestrial alien life.

Ufologists will have you believe the universe is bursting at the seams with all kinds of weird alien creatures that are intelligent, friendly and willing to lend a hand, tentacle or slimy, claw-like protrusion to help we Earthlings solve our many self-inflicted problems.

Of course our trusty, corporate bootlicking, mainstream media prefer we live in a climate of fear; hence a different kind of alien is portrayed. Far from the harmless, lovable, ET phone-home variety that children want to cuddle, the mainstream media paint a picture of dark, sinister, malevolent beings that lurk in the shadows, waiting for an opportunity to perform sadistic genetic experiments (which includes an inordinate, if not ridiculous amount of anal probing) on an unsuspecting human population.

Imagine, highly evolved, technically superior aliens traveling light years just to look up our butts. In my book, that’s just way too curious.

My point is, we should all get ready because I suspect our not so trusty media is presently readying headlines that will read something like, ‘Earth invaded by evil, killer, bug-eyed space devils. Run for your lives! (But first, a message from our sponsor and a new comprehensive home and life insurance package that includes alien invasion coverage for a nominal fee).’

As for science, most scientists are afraid to even talk about the UFO phenomenon for fear of reducing their credibility to the level of cartoons. So instead, we routinely hear scientists pontificate that even if there is intelligent life in the universe, the likelihood of meeting them is zero because traveling the thousands of light years that separate us is scientifically impossible. Sadly, human science in all its arrogance, likes to limit an infinite universe and all of its vast potential to our present level of knowledge and understanding.

As for me personally, though I have always hoped, I have never actually seen strange flashing lights in the sky. No, sadly, the only strange flashing lights I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing were in Disco’s during the late 70’s.

Now, if we can suspend present day scientific theory for a minute and, for the sake of argument and entertainment, let’s suppose aliens are real and they are visiting Earth – why do so many people assume the aliens would want to contact Washington first?

Is it because any well-bred space alien with half-decent manners would want an official presidential ‘okey dokey’ to have a look around?

Well, hold on just a couple of light-year folks. Why would an advanced alien race need to ask anyone’s permission to have a look around earth?

To put this into perspective, I will use my ‘Humans and the Ants Analogy’ because I think humans are marginally smarter than ants and, I’ve had a few of both in my kitchen this summer.

Think about it. If you were to discover a large anthill crawling with ant life, would you ask to see the head ant first before having a look around?

Probably not! Why would you care?

I assume it is the same way with aliens and humans.

Seriously, try to look at it from the intellectually superior alien perspective. You’ve just arrived on Earth in an advanced space vehicle so complex that these inferior, Spam-for-brains humans wouldn’t even know how to flush the toilet in (if aliens even go to the bathroom).

You’re a tired alien. You’ve just traveled a pile of light years with a back seat full of noisy, yakity, impatient alien children who haven’t shut up since you passed Alpha Centauri.

Your helmet is uncomfortably hot. Your antennae are wet with perspiration and you’ve had to go to the bathroom for the last three light-years.

What you really want is a nice cool drink of that delightfully refreshing earth beverage Liquid Plumber – but instead, these arrogant, self-absorbed humans have other plans for you. They want you to waste all your time listening to no end of long-winded politicians waxing poetically about how both of our civilizations can learn from each other.

The point is, put your self in the alien’s shoes (if that’s even what aliens wear). Imagine how bored you would be with all those pompous, narcissistic bureaucrats with their stuffy, dull dinner parties and endless speeches – not to mention the constant background whine from the military begging you for your advanced technology to build better, more destructive weapons (for the purpose of world peace, love and the brotherhood of mankind).

No way! Not me! If I was an alien, and I just might be (I’ll ask my Mom, she’ll know), you’d find me on the beach or trying out some of the local food. Heck, if aliens are as advanced as we think they are, they’re going to fly right past Washington and head straight for Disney World. Now that’s an intelligent move. You can’t have a bad time at Disney.

Let’s face it; aliens don’t have to play by our rules. So be forewarned. It could be, that when the aliens finally get back to their home planet, their friends will ask them,

“So how was your Earth vacation? Did you have a nice time?”

“It was very nice.” The travel weary aliens will reply. “The music was great and the food was very delicious. We ate mostly Italian and Chinese, but the Canadians were very tasty too.” [End]

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The Asshole Quiz: Are you one?

By Timo Cerantola

Am I an asshole?

Don’t answer that yet (though I think I know what your response will be).

It’s a question we all should ask ourselves for, at times we are all guilty of a little shameful if not disgraceful behaviour – though for some, it has become their life’s purpose, their modus-operandi if you will.

Indeed, in this selfish, greedy, dog-eat-dog world, the asshole population seems to be increasing exponentially – and not just on Wall Street with its many miscreant money traders or in the halls of government that overflow with a gangrenous, noxious filth that pretends at public service.

No, “the asshole” phenomenon now permeates society at every level – at work, school, church, the grocery store, drive-thru restaurants and, especially, whilst driving on the freeway.

And so, I have devised a quiz that will help you determine where the assholes are in your life and perhaps, determine what your friends and relatives have suspected about you for many years.

Remember, if you answer too many of these questions correctly; you are a prime candidate for membership in ARSE (Association of Repugnant Swine and Evil-bastards). This is nothing to be proud of.

Question #1.

You are driving in the passing lane on the freeway at 45 mph. Traffic is piling up behind you but hey, you can’t go any faster because you’re text messaging your wife, typing on your laptop, having a nice sip of your coffee latte supremo and picking your nose all at the same time. There you are, just cruising along the highway in all your macho splendour with your Global Positioning System bleeping out road directions and your stereo blaring WHEN, all of a sudden some impatient road weasel has the temerity to honk his horn at you, trying to get you to pull over so that he can pass. Do you…

a)   Get out your cell phone and call a buddy to set up a golf date.

b)   You’d like to help him out but you’re too busy doing everything but driving responsibly.

c)   Flip him “the bird.”

If you answered “c” you are an asshole – if you answered “a” – smooth move road warrior.

Question #2.

You are in a large department store when, over the public address system they announce a “blue light” half-price special on the toy “Mr. Poopy Bear” – a toy that you know your kid would kill for. Do you…

a) Immediately proceed to the sale area and courteously look for the end of the line, conducting yourself in a civilized manner.

b)   Dash to the sale area and quickly scoop up only a couple of the sale items so that others will also have a chance.

c)   You grab a football helmet and shoulder pads from the sports department and then, whilst running full speed with your head down and pushing your grocery cart, crash the line screaming “Move or die, road kill!” – and then proceed to empty the entire “poopy” display into your shopping cart.

If you answered “c” you are starting to exhibit some ‘back passage’ type behaviour.

Question #3.

You are out dining out at an all-you-can-eat food buffet, it is extremely busy and you’re not sure there will be enough food left for your seconds, thirds and fourths, do you…

a)   When confronted with only one dinner roll left on the buffet table, politely offer to split it with the next person in line.

b)   Fill your plate with a modest sampling of each of the many offerings so that others may have a chance.

c)   Defy the laws of gravity by piling food three and a half feet above your plate, grab an entire apple pie from the dessert tray and then stuff the remaining bread roll down your pants.

If you answered “c”, you must be an asshole. If you answered “a” – that’s almost creepy, you wuss. Congratulations. You’ve just been awarded the “Mama’s Boy” award for 2009.

Question #4.

You are in the grocery store and you have too many items for the “8 items or less” line, do you…

a)   Fair-mindedly move to the regular line because you have 14 items.

b)   Politely ask the cashier if you can sneak in an extra item or 6. Or…

c)   You throw your jacket over the 8 items or less sign and then pile a weeks worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.

If you answered “C” – even if you are someone’s grandma, you are in hemorrhoid territory.

Question #5.

An Alien spacecraft has landed in your backyard and you are the first human they encounter. In an attempt to promote intergalactic friendship, do you…

a) Offer them a refreshing earth beverage (they enjoy transmission fluid).

b) Raise your hand in a gesture of friendship and say, “Greetings and peace intergalactic traveler. Welcome to Earth!”

c) Tell them to get the hell off your lawn and start spraying them with your garden hose.

If you answered c, way to go. You’ve set intergalactic diplomacy back a few millennia asshole!

Question #6.

Whilst standing at the back of a long line up at a popular restaurant do you…

a)   Happily chat about the weather with the other people at the back of the line.

b)   Patiently and quietly wait while you read a book you brought for just such an occasion.

c)   To discourage other diners and secure a more favourable position in line, loudly discuss, in excruciating detail, the severe nauseating cramps and diarrhea you experienced last time you ate at this restaurant.

If you answered “c” – swift move butt plug.

Question #7.

You are in the cinema and the movie has just begun. This is the time when most people sit back and relax, but not you. Do you…

a)  Immediately start to talk with the person next to you and tell them what happens at the end of the movie.

b)  Decide you need a snack at that very moment, get up and disturb an entire row of people and leave to buy a meal sized snack which you will noisily chomp, snort and slurp on throughout the entire movie.

c)  Stand up and try to start “the Wave.”

If you answered a, b or c – that pretty much describes my last movie going experience you assholes.

Question #8.

When you are high up on the top floor balcony of an apartment or on an observation deck do you…

a)   Look to see if you can see your house from such a high vantage point.

b)   Break some seriously nasty wind and hope that no one notices.

c)   Check the wind speed and direction, and then try to see if you can spit on the people in the next town.

If you answered “c” cool move asshole. If you answered “b,” watch the fibre in your diet.

Question #9.

You’re at a company meeting in the boardroom. Your boss, a seriously fat-assed fifty-something banal incubus of a guy whose been going through a very wacky mid-life crisis walks into the Monday morning meeting sporting a new toupee, an earring and a tattoo that says “Pimpin”.

Do you…

a)   Start by sucking up to the boss with compliments about how natural his new toupee looks.

b)   Ask him if he’s lost weight.

c)   Offer to wash his car.

d)   Offer to lick his boots.

OK, a, b, c or d – no matter your answer, we’re all assholes in this situation. Hopefully we get to keep our jobs.

Finally,

Question #10.

You are out driving along the freeway when, all of a sudden, someone zooms passed you and flashes a silly “Ha ha, I passed you” grin at you as they fly by, do you…

a)   Slow down and cower in the slow lane and feeling impotent and ashamed.

b)   Ignore the silly road dork and continue singing along to the Broadway show tune playing on your stereo.

c)   Floor it until you pull in close behind them, tailing them so close they can see you mouth the words “DIE ROAD SCUM!” in their rear view mirror. Then, putting the pedal to the metal, you pull out on to the shoulder of the road kicking up voluminous quantities of dust and gravel and zoom past them at twice the legal limit whilst displaying your “special finger” – the one most associated with acrimony.

If you answered “c” you probably already know you are an asshole and you don’t care. Your membership to ARSE is in the mail.

~~~

Your score: Who gives a shit? It’s all about you anyway, isn’t it?

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