Category Archives: Current Events

Hey Bonehead, don’t forget Valentines Day!

It’s tough for men to find new gift ideas so soon after Christmas. Valentine’s Day only piles on added stress and, thanks in large part to those weasels at Hallmark Cards, we men are now required to add a special romantic flair to our gift or we’re toast.

On Valentine’s Day men are under tremendous pressure with a special gift that represents how much we love. Seriously, will she hate it? Will she love it? Will she be thrilled? If she throws it at me, will it hurt much?

Granted, a good gift on February 14th and you’re clear right through to the play-offs. Indeed, one thoughtful, well-placed gift here will almost make up for the fact you were born a man.

Each year, statistically speaking, 1 billion Valentines are sent, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card giving day after Christmas. And women are responsible for 85% of all Valentine card purchases. As a side note, condom manufacturer Durex claims its sales rise(?) approximately 25% on February 14th – not to mention more do-it-yourself home pregnancy kits are sold in March than in any other month.

Years ago, in my more romantic days, I took Valentine’s Day quite seriously. Back then, I was working at an advertising studio in Toronto and so, I used to write and illustrate my own cards to send to my wife. My favourite theme was usually “Tim the love God” – which was basically a cartoon caricature of me adorned in gold chains, designer clothes, sun glasses, a chest toupee and all the other things that make women go crazy with desire.

Kids always have it easy when it comes to Valentine’s. They hand out those little cut-out cards at school and, for their mom, they’ll make her some crafty, sticky, paper heart-shaped card with glue splishing out all over the place and naturally, she’ll love it.

“Isn’t that cute.” She’ll titter with delight. “My kids made these especially for me with their own little hands.”

Of course, the man is the one responsible for a more substantial Valentine presentation – and it damn well better make her friggin’ titter or he’s in trouble. He needs a gift that will keep that naked little freaktoid Cupid at bay for another year.

Splishing some glue all over some card to give to her for Valentines will probably get your nose splished all over your face! Personally, I’d like to splish glue all over that Cupid and stick him to a fire hydrant in a dog park.

Now when it comes to love and romance, William Shakespeare knew a thing or two when it came to Valentine time. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate…“.

You see, back in the olden days, that’s all it took. A little poetry and not much else probably kept Bill Shakespeare’s girlfriend happy for the whole year! But in our material world, poetry alone wont cut it because, “How do I love thee, let me count the ways” has devolved into, how do I love thee, let me count my money.

As for poetry, the only poem I know from beginning to end is “Jack and Jill went up the hill…” and I can guarantee you my wife doesn’t want to hear that while we’re making out.

Now, let’s look at the historical facts of romance. Seriously men, the last thing you really want is to be known as a romantic. Really, think of all the most famous romantics and what Valentines did for them.

Remember Romeo of Romeo and Juliet fame?

The guy who practically invented romance got so messed up on love, he ended up killing himself. Indeed, the list of dead romantics is long.

Lancelot of Lancelot and Guinevere? Dead.

Tristan of Tristan and Isolde? Dead.

Paris of Paris and Helen of Troy? Dead.

Samson of Samson and Delilah? Bald and Dead!

And finally, what about Pepe?

No, not that Pepe! For once in your lives keep your minds out of your pants. I’m talking about Pepe Le Pew the lovesick skunk. That poor skunk never even made it to first base with that cat – and then they cancelled his cartoon show.

So you see, most romantics either end up dead, bald and dead or as out-of-work cartoons! Doesn’t say much for romance does it?

Seriously ladies, if you really must know, the quickest way to your man’s heart is through his chest – with a sharp knife.

Anyways guys, Valentine’s approaches. Here’s a solid romantic gift line up. Pick any two: Flowers, chocolate, tickets to a play, candy, jewellery, a love letter, a romantic walk and dinner at a restaurant (and not McDonald’s you cheap bastards).

So, I hope you guys manage to find a way not to screw up like you did at Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. You thought she’d love the snow blower. Save her from all that shoveling. That’s what you get when you ask for gift ideas from ‘Biff’ at the hardware store. Think FLOWERS, bonehead! I hate these damned tests of love.

“When I saw you I fell in love,

and you smiled because you knew.”

William Shakespeare

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Corporate Chimps Run the World (into the ground)

By Timo Cerantola

In view of our recent banking dysfunction and in order to understand the economic predicament we now find ourselves in, one must understand the motivations of those individuals who played a large part in creating this disaster – namely a curious creature known as the “corporate chimp.”

This gangrenous filth er… creature known as the corporate chimp, lives solely to kiss the asses of the world’s corporate elite; their main purpose in life being the worship of wealth and attainment of money.

True, though these greedy mammals have existed throughout history, our present financial disaster is due in large part to a particular branch of the species – a group that was discovered in the early 20th century in the Wall Street swamp.

This corporate chimp is an altogether peculiar species. Identified by a black or dark blue suit, which often turns to a grayish color in more aged chimps. The number one job of the corporate chimp is to acquire money for itself and the corporation – (OK, it’s actually their number two job after they get up off their knees).

The twentieth century corporate chimp is usually, though not exclusively, found in one of seven main habitats; the Federal Reserve, corporation board rooms, banks, AM talk radio, the ‘mainstream’ news media, law firms and of course, the Wall Street swamp – though recently a large number of the corporate beast has migrated its way into the upper halls of government around the globe.

Yes, though a majority of the chimps gravitate towards money, the most dangerous chimps head straight for politics, usually after a brief stopover in law.

Shameless bootlicking and sucking up to wealth form the main characteristics of the chimp. This somewhat parasitic bipedal mammal displays an innate propensity to disregard any basic morals or rules of fair play – showing an eager willingness to eliminate ethics and switch loyalties at a moments notice should the possibility of monetary gain arise.

Generally active from dawn to dusk, the corporate chimp typically sleeps in a luxurious home and does most of its foraging for food in expensive restaurants and in corporate boxes at sporting events. And, although sucking at the corporate teat seems to form the bulk of the chimp’s behavior, the teat offers very little nourishment and thus many chimps have been observed to eat other small, usually defenseless mammals.

Corporate chimps have a superficial social organization that is gregarious and loosely based around the sport of golf. Most chimps belong to groups called “clubs.” While interacting, the chimps or “club members” often break up into subgroups called “foursomes.”

When chimps from different or opposing communities meet each other on the golf course, they are usually peaceful, at least outwardly – though at times there may be loud vocalizing, antagonistic displays of displeasure and occasionally, serious lying and manipulating of the facts should there be some financial gain in the offing.

Social relations within chimp communities are significantly affected by the species’ affinity for status. Chimps use money and lying to promote the sharing of wealth, to make up after fights, to gain favors and generally to strengthen relationships. However, should this wealth dry up, partnerships are quickly forgotten as there is very little predilection towards loyalty in the chimp’s character.

When circling, especially in banking or the stock market, a group of chimps can be very vicious carnivorous hunters which, once a substantial monetary gain has been achieved, will retire back to the relative safety of their packs, typically composed of a dominant breeding corporation and their dependent subsidiaries.

Natural predators to the chimp include trade unions, socialized medicine, social-democratic governments and any type of sharing of resources that would benefit the global community at large – though recently, many corporate chimps have developed an inclination towards socialism in the form of bailouts – now strictly referred to as “stimulus packages.”

Oddly enough, in the past, socialism was regarded as a loser philosophy by the wondrous chimp kings of finance. However, in view of recent economic calamities, when applied to corporations and banks, socialism is now acceptable.

Yes, thanks to the many corporate chimps now in government, many bank and corporate losses have now become the responsibility of the taxpayers – losses are now being socialized but profits, of course, still remain the responsibility of corporations and banks and their chimps.

Despite the government handouts, these chimps still regard themselves as the “masters of the universe” – though in reality, as our present economic reality has revealed, they are merely company men, gophers and disgraceful suck-ups willing to do the ass kissing no one with any self respect would do.

Given their wide historical distribution, corporate chimps have been shown to have no regard for the environment. In its endless pursuit of the dollar, no amount of destruction, war, pestilence or disease will deter the corporate chimp from its greedy mission. There are no ethics, rules, laws or sense of fair play where chimps are concerned. There is no right and wrong when it comes to money. The quintessential corporate chimp is one without conscience or integrity.

Should you happen to see a chimp in its natural element, e.g. banks and the stock market, if you must, approach it with caution but keep your hand firmly on your wallet. Do not trust this animal with money.

In closing, corporate chimps should remember one-thing. Though it may be true that he who dies with the most toys may win the money game of life – he is still, thankfully, dead.

Note: For those of you who enjoy exotic pets, corporate chimps make wonderful house pets. If you have enough money, many corporate chimps are for sale right now at bargain prices!

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