Category Archives: opinion

I Think There’s a Typo in The New Testament

bytimocerantola

 According to Forbes magazine, there are 1,565 billionaires in 2014 and, the richest of them all, is Bill ‘nerds r’ me’ Gates, who has $76 billion reasons why people tend to treat him nicely.

 Back in 2013, Gate’s was appreciably poorer as his total tallied a trifling $67 billion – which means Bill made $9 billion dollars in one year. By my math, that’s a $173 million bucks a week or approximately $4.3 million dollars per hour – if Bill puts in a full 40 at his money factory.

 Look at it this way; in the time it has taken you to read this far, Bill ‘nerds r me’ Gates has made approximately $72,000 thousand dollars.

 In the same amount of time, with my job, my savings interest (at my present bank interest rate of .0000000000002% per annum) – plus all of my RSP interest and other investments, I’ve made about 1.03 cents. (Yippee, I’m a pennyaire!)

 Which leads me to today’s topic and the reason why I believe there’s a typo in the New Testament. 

 You see, after hearing that ‘Supernerd’ has racked up $76 billion bucks, I’m now convinced that they misheard Jesus when he said, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”

 I think maybe Jesus said, “The geek shall inherit the earth” – only the guy taking down notes for Jesus didn’t know what a geek was, so he wrote in “meek” instead. (An honest oversight because computers, like geeks, had yet to be invented).

 Anyway, my point is, it’s all finally starting to happen just like Jesus said it would when He prophesied that Bill Gates was going to take over everything and buy the earth – although Jesus never actually uttered those exact words.

 OK, relax everyone! Bill’s probably not the anti-Christ. He’s more like one of those harmless Star Trek nerds who dress up in Starfleet uniforms and go to those weird sci-fi, dweeb conventions. Seriously, just one look at Bill and you can tell that inside that man’s chest beats the heart of a pointy-eared space geek.

 OK, maybe space geek is a bit over the top – so, let’s just say that prior to his acquisition of zillions, most women would have said that Bill registered a solid 8.5 on the Dork-o-meter.

 Of course now, when “Mr. Money-bags” is announced at one of those upper crust, social events, audible gasps of “Isn’t he dreamy?” “Hunkalicious!” and the occasional “Oooh-la-la!” can be heard among the crowd of money adoring women.

 But, if the truth be told ladies, Bill Gates without his money, is the type of man you would normally picture with a shirt pocket full of pens, horn rimmed glasses and a stack of dirty magazines under his bed. (Sorry to be so brutal Bill, but let’s face it. Like the rest of us nerds, you had to beg for dates back in high school too).

 Personally, I think that all those years of humiliation in high school set poor nerdy Bill off on this dangerous drive towards global domination. He was tired of being pushed around by the captain of the cheerleading squad. That’s when he put his foot down and, like most nerds, stepped into something brown and squishy. (But that’s the way we nerds roll).

 Anyway, Bill was motivated.

 “I know,” he said to himself (because few people would actually talk to him back then). “First, I’ll start a computer company, call it Microsoft, become mega-rich and then buy the entire planet. Then, I’ll hire all those folks who pushed me around in high school and employ them as doorstops and toilet roll replacement engineers in all of my various mansions. Finally, I’ll reward all of my dorky buddies from the chess club and hire them on as senior vice-presidents.”

 Hey, it was only a matter of time before the nerd herd took over.

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Resistance is Futile

bytimocerantola

On the way home from work last night, the news reported that the price of was going up by 4 cents a litre at midnight. So, I pulled into the very first gas station I saw and uttered some words I rarely ever say.

“Fill’er up.” I told the attendant. Eighty-three dollars and several tears later, I was on my way.

As I drove off, I thought back to the early 1960’s when my Dad would pull into our friendly neighbourhood BP (British Petroleum) gas station and say…

“Fill’er up or five dollars – whichever comes first!”

For those of you who have never visited the sixties, back then, gas station attendants, fearing an overflow, would be very cautious when trying to squeeze a whole five dollars worth of gas into your tank. If this sounds far-fetched to you, ask your grandparents to verify this seemingly unbelievable assertion.

Back then, even though my father drove a gas pig, five dollars was enough for a week’s worth of driving in the family boat. Of course my dad never took us anywhere, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, as expected, this morning the price of gas jumped the reported 4 cents a litre to 132.9 cents – or approximately $6 per gallon.

If you expect your government to do anything about the ever-rising fuel costs, forget it. Sure, at election time they always promise to look into the matter but, the sad truth is, other than getting the usual group of officious sock-puppets and political windbags together to form gaseous committees, our leaders have proven to be impotent when it comes to doing battle with the ‘big oil’ corporations.

Many people believe the price of gas could be easily reduced if the government merely dropped the taxes but, according to one government spokesperson I heard recently on a radio show, this strategy will not work. According to this bureaucratic blowhard, our government does everything possible to keep the price of fuel low because they truly feel for you and me, the gas buying public. But alas, he explained, decreasing taxes will not lower the price.

NOTE: Before I go any further on how lowering gas taxes has no effect on the price, to fully understand the convoluted logic of the political mind you must first bang your head repeatedly against a concrete wall. This will properly prepare your brain to absorb the information. Come back when you’re done. I’ll still be here.

Back so soon?

Feeling a little woozy?

Good, it should help.

Now, as I heard it explained on the radio, lowering taxes will have no effect on the price of gas. Rather, lowering taxes will only serve as a signal to oil producers to raise prices even further because the public is already acclimatized to paying the higher price anyway. Sadly, according to some of the brightest minds in official-dumb, government is powerless to do anything about gas prices except, of course, rake-in billions in tax dollars.

For a brief moment, I actually started to buy into this weird, crazy explanation. But then the sobering truth hit me like an unquenchable gas-guzzling Hummer. I had an epiphany. I finally understood what was really going on behind the scenes in government institutions all around the world. It was the only logical explanation. The world’s leaders have been taken over by those evil, half man/half machine Borg aliens from Star Trek and we are all about to be assimilated – one gas tank at a time!

Think about it. First they encourage us to support the economy by buying large, expensive, gas-thirsty vehicles. Then, they slowly jack-up the price of gas until we are spending more on fuel than food.  Finally, they’ve got us where they’ve always wanted us (by the pistons) – and that’s when, like in Star Trek, they assimilate you. Resistance is futile. You are Borg and part of the gasoline-addicted collective!

It’s scandalous, but somehow “big oil” has managed to turn the entire car driving public into passive, puerile, pushovers. We’ve become a bunch of languid, lazy-minded automatons who have forgotten about natural human locomotion.

C’mon people, think about it! There is only one way to do battle with these greedy gas titans and the battle cry is “WE WILL WALK – or at least ride our bikes!”

That’s right. For our collective health and wealth, not to mention cleaner air, we must start walking more and using our vehicles only when absolutely necessary.

Sure, we may be losing the battle now, but the war has just begun. If the world’s oil producers suddenly see hundreds of millions of people walking and riding their bikes to work, they’ll quake with fear and lower their gasoline prices immediately. Trust me, I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek. I know how to handle the Borg.

 

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They’ll Blame The Collapse of Civilization On Me

A bizarre thought occurred to me while watching a YouTube video on ancient Egypt.

I wonder, in a million years from now, will future archaeologists dig down into my basement and go through my stuff?

Think about it; if this is the case, future archaeologists may reconstruct our entire civilization based on all the useless old junk I keep in boxes down in my subterranean vault, I mean basement.

Before I go any further, I’d like to point out that my wife and I keep our best stuff upstairs. I imagine that ancient Egyptians kept most of their best stuff upstairs too. Seriously, those dusty old mummies, statues and strange looking masks we find buried their basements were likely given to them as gifts by their in-laws. Those things were down there for a reason and probably only saw the light of day when mother-in-law came to visit

 Now in my basement, you will find a lot of old stuff we should have thrown out years ago. Boxes full of National Geographic and other magazines; several obsolete computers and broken down printers; far too many Fisher-Price kiddie toys; enough Lego blocks to build a new addition on our house and various exercise machines designed to firm up one’s back side. Machines with names like The Bun Master, Glutes of Steel and Bootie-Buddy Tune-up – but alas, all of those are behind me now.

 Even my collection of old stinky running shoes will likely receive special attention from archeologists and thus be given some ridiculous explanation like, “In the 21st century people kept their old footwear as a sacred token to their beloved Shoe God, nReebok. Archaeologists are nutty that way – attaching religious significance to every little dusty thing they find. It never occurs to them that maybe the people of antiquity just did stuff because they felt like it.

So, what will they make of the colossal assortment of Barbie dolls kept in my basement?

Sadly, it is likely that future archaeologists will discover all these plastic, grinning, miniature long-necked likenesses of people and explain them away as religious icons that we in the 21st century used for fertility purposes and/or voodoo/black magic ceremonies. You can be sure that when they start theorizing about poor nipple-less Barbie it’s going to get weird.

Now any archaeologist worth his weight in musty mummies will tell you that each layer or stratum represents an era of time. So, I envision future archaeologists sifting through the layers of dust in my basement with toothbrush like instruments, as they wouldn’t want to disturb my collection of used furnace filters with heavy machinery now would they? They’d want to preserve everything just the way I left it, disorganized.

Old fixtures, books, clothes and a large collection of good, empty boxes. I have no purpose for them. I can’t throw them out because they’re too good. I can’t give them to my Dad because he has his own collection. My Dad also collects used toilet seats. He has five. As for the frosty food at the bottom of our freezer, I hope they don’t try to eat it. I wouldn’t eat that stuff in a million years (no pun intended). Frozen brussel sprouts and other frosty delights. They’ll assume we ate a lot of those things when the truth will be exactly the opposite. Silly archaeologists, that’s why we left it there!

Imagine, time travelling into the future only to see my sweaty old hockey equipment there at the Museum of Early Man in an exhibit called “Evil Smelling 21st Century Sportswear.”

And that’s just the beginning. What sense will they make of the gag gifts I’ve received over the years like my singing trout wall plaque; my inflatable rubber chicken; a bare butt mug; my Hillary Clinton nutcracker; a whoopee cushion; a Dogs Playing Poker painting; a scratch n’ sniff map of the world and, my favorite gag gift of all time, bacon scented aerosol bathroom spray.

Indeed, one day in the distant future, there will probably be a coffee table book dedicated to me entitled The 21st Century According to timo cerantola (and the crap we found in his basement).

The biggest mystery for our descendents to solve will be the festive decorations and our fake Christmas tree. Seriously, what would YOU assume about a civilization of people who kept easy to assemble, replicas of trees in their basements?

That’s right, they’ll think of us as a totally wacked-out society of weirdoes, and then it gets even weirder. When they decipher the ancient texts that tell of our “most special night” of the year when a bearded jolly fat man with a giant sack of toys climbs down every damned chimney on the entire planet so that he might place toys under the phoney trees. I’m sure the question, “Why didn’t he just use the front door?” will come up frequently.

Possibly the most fascinating archaeological find will be our old TV. Will those future geniuses figure out how to get that sensitive piece of electronics to work?

Will they know you have to smack it a couple times on the left side whilst jiggling the tuner knob?

Maybe I should stick a note on the side and tell them about it though, if they do manage to get it working, will there be anything on it worth watching? I doubt it. There’s zip-a-dee-doo-dah worth watching now. More importantly, will they even realize that they’ve stumbled on the main reason for the complete and total collapse of civilization and humankind?

True. Posterity will record that it was TV that turned humanity into a race of gangly, bug-eyed creatures just like those flying saucer aliens that keep abducting people. I’m sure those aliens are just we humans after a million years of evolution. See what too much TV and not enough exercise will do to you? My mother was right.

But I guess the ultimate find will be our kitty litter box. My kids rarely scoop it out. Maybe some archaeologist in the year 1,002,013 A.D. will and, if he’s lucky, our cat Violet will have left a “present” behind for him to analyze. And then, just like in that movie “Jurassic Park,” they’ll get a DNA sample and reconstruct a perfect little replica of our endlessly hungry Violet.

As for Violet’s “present” – they’ll probably put that on display in the most prestigious museum in the galaxy. Imagine, a million years from now, people will travel light years and pay good money just to look at one of Violet’s turds. It doesn’t get any weirder than that.

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Earth Invaded by Evil, Bug-Eyed Space Aliens. Run for your lives!

Make room for Martians…
By Timo Cerantola

According to NASA’s Phoenix Mars Lander, there is water on Mars; and not just signs of water that existed there billions of years ago, but water, H2O, today, now.

Yes, that precious substance of life that we humans like to spray all over our golf courses, flush down our toilets and pollute with toxic chemicals, not to mention avoid drinking eight glasses a day of – has been found on another planet.

This is a pretty important discovery because access to water would be imperative to any future manned missions to Mars. Plus, water on Mars reinforces any theory of life elsewhere in the universe. So, it’s only a matter of time before someone declares alien, non-terrestrial life a reality.

Now if you’re like me, and listen to too much of that spooky late night talk radio; you’ll know that most “Ufologists” (that’s what they call you when you spend too much time thinking about aliens and watching Star Trek reruns) have already jumped the gun when it comes to non-terrestrial alien life.

Ufologists will have you believe the universe is bursting at the seams with all kinds of weird alien creatures that are intelligent, friendly and willing to lend a hand, tentacle or slimy, claw-like protrusion to help we Earthlings solve our many self-inflicted problems.

Of course our trusty, corporate bootlicking, mainstream media prefer we live in a climate of fear; hence a different kind of alien is portrayed. Far from the harmless, lovable, ET phone-home variety that children want to cuddle, the mainstream media paint a picture of dark, sinister, malevolent beings that lurk in the shadows, waiting for an opportunity to perform sadistic genetic experiments (which includes an inordinate, if not ridiculous amount of anal probing) on an unsuspecting human population.

Imagine, highly evolved, technically superior aliens traveling light years just to look up our butts. In my book, that’s just way too curious.

My point is, we should all get ready because I suspect our not so trusty media is presently readying headlines that will read something like, ‘Earth invaded by evil, killer, bug-eyed space devils. Run for your lives! (But first, a message from our sponsor and a new comprehensive home and life insurance package that includes alien invasion coverage for a nominal fee).’

As for science, most scientists are afraid to even talk about the UFO phenomenon for fear of reducing their credibility to the level of cartoons. So instead, we routinely hear scientists pontificate that even if there is intelligent life in the universe, the likelihood of meeting them is zero because traveling the thousands of light years that separate us is scientifically impossible. Sadly, human science in all its arrogance, likes to limit an infinite universe and all of its vast potential to our present level of knowledge and understanding.

As for me personally, though I have always hoped, I have never actually seen strange flashing lights in the sky. No, sadly, the only strange flashing lights I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing were in Disco’s during the late 70’s.

Now, if we can suspend present day scientific theory for a minute and, for the sake of argument and entertainment, let’s suppose aliens are real and they are visiting Earth – why do so many people assume the aliens would want to contact Washington first?

Is it because any well-bred space alien with half-decent manners would want an official presidential ‘okey dokey’ to have a look around?

Well, hold on just a couple of light-year folks. Why would an advanced alien race need to ask anyone’s permission to have a look around earth?

To put this into perspective, I will use my ‘Humans and the Ants Analogy’ because I think humans are marginally smarter than ants and, I’ve had a few of both in my kitchen this summer.

Think about it. If you were to discover a large anthill crawling with ant life, would you ask to see the head ant first before having a look around?

Probably not! Why would you care?

I assume it is the same way with aliens and humans.

Seriously, try to look at it from the intellectually superior alien perspective. You’ve just arrived on Earth in an advanced space vehicle so complex that these inferior, Spam-for-brains humans wouldn’t even know how to flush the toilet in (if aliens even go to the bathroom).

You’re a tired alien. You’ve just traveled a pile of light years with a back seat full of noisy, yakity, impatient alien children who haven’t shut up since you passed Alpha Centauri.

Your helmet is uncomfortably hot. Your antennae are wet with perspiration and you’ve had to go to the bathroom for the last three light-years.

What you really want is a nice cool drink of that delightfully refreshing earth beverage Liquid Plumber – but instead, these arrogant, self-absorbed humans have other plans for you. They want you to waste all your time listening to no end of long-winded politicians waxing poetically about how both of our civilizations can learn from each other.

The point is, put your self in the alien’s shoes (if that’s even what aliens wear). Imagine how bored you would be with all those pompous, narcissistic bureaucrats with their stuffy, dull dinner parties and endless speeches – not to mention the constant background whine from the military begging you for your advanced technology to build better, more destructive weapons (for the purpose of world peace, love and the brotherhood of mankind).

No way! Not me! If I was an alien, and I just might be (I’ll ask my Mom, she’ll know), you’d find me on the beach or trying out some of the local food. Heck, if aliens are as advanced as we think they are, they’re going to fly right past Washington and head straight for Disney World. Now that’s an intelligent move. You can’t have a bad time at Disney.

Let’s face it; aliens don’t have to play by our rules. So be forewarned. It could be, that when the aliens finally get back to their home planet, their friends will ask them,

“So how was your Earth vacation? Did you have a nice time?”

“It was very nice.” The travel weary aliens will reply. “The music was great and the food was very delicious. We ate mostly Italian and Chinese, but the Canadians were very tasty too.” [End]

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The Asshole Quiz: Are you one?

By Timo Cerantola

Am I an asshole?

Don’t answer that yet (though I think I know what your response will be).

It’s a question we all should ask ourselves for, at times we are all guilty of a little shameful if not disgraceful behaviour – though for some, it has become their life’s purpose, their modus-operandi if you will.

Indeed, in this selfish, greedy, dog-eat-dog world, the asshole population seems to be increasing exponentially – and not just on Wall Street with its many miscreant money traders or in the halls of government that overflow with a gangrenous, noxious filth that pretends at public service.

No, “the asshole” phenomenon now permeates society at every level – at work, school, church, the grocery store, drive-thru restaurants and, especially, whilst driving on the freeway.

And so, I have devised a quiz that will help you determine where the assholes are in your life and perhaps, determine what your friends and relatives have suspected about you for many years.

Remember, if you answer too many of these questions correctly; you are a prime candidate for membership in ARSE (Association of Repugnant Swine and Evil-bastards). This is nothing to be proud of.

Question #1.

You are driving in the passing lane on the freeway at 45 mph. Traffic is piling up behind you but hey, you can’t go any faster because you’re text messaging your wife, typing on your laptop, having a nice sip of your coffee latte supremo and picking your nose all at the same time. There you are, just cruising along the highway in all your macho splendour with your Global Positioning System bleeping out road directions and your stereo blaring WHEN, all of a sudden some impatient road weasel has the temerity to honk his horn at you, trying to get you to pull over so that he can pass. Do you…

a)   Get out your cell phone and call a buddy to set up a golf date.

b)   You’d like to help him out but you’re too busy doing everything but driving responsibly.

c)   Flip him “the bird.”

If you answered “c” you are an asshole – if you answered “a” – smooth move road warrior.

Question #2.

You are in a large department store when, over the public address system they announce a “blue light” half-price special on the toy “Mr. Poopy Bear” – a toy that you know your kid would kill for. Do you…

a) Immediately proceed to the sale area and courteously look for the end of the line, conducting yourself in a civilized manner.

b)   Dash to the sale area and quickly scoop up only a couple of the sale items so that others will also have a chance.

c)   You grab a football helmet and shoulder pads from the sports department and then, whilst running full speed with your head down and pushing your grocery cart, crash the line screaming “Move or die, road kill!” – and then proceed to empty the entire “poopy” display into your shopping cart.

If you answered “c” you are starting to exhibit some ‘back passage’ type behaviour.

Question #3.

You are out dining out at an all-you-can-eat food buffet, it is extremely busy and you’re not sure there will be enough food left for your seconds, thirds and fourths, do you…

a)   When confronted with only one dinner roll left on the buffet table, politely offer to split it with the next person in line.

b)   Fill your plate with a modest sampling of each of the many offerings so that others may have a chance.

c)   Defy the laws of gravity by piling food three and a half feet above your plate, grab an entire apple pie from the dessert tray and then stuff the remaining bread roll down your pants.

If you answered “c”, you must be an asshole. If you answered “a” – that’s almost creepy, you wuss. Congratulations. You’ve just been awarded the “Mama’s Boy” award for 2009.

Question #4.

You are in the grocery store and you have too many items for the “8 items or less” line, do you…

a)   Fair-mindedly move to the regular line because you have 14 items.

b)   Politely ask the cashier if you can sneak in an extra item or 6. Or…

c)   You throw your jacket over the 8 items or less sign and then pile a weeks worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.

If you answered “C” – even if you are someone’s grandma, you are in hemorrhoid territory.

Question #5.

An Alien spacecraft has landed in your backyard and you are the first human they encounter. In an attempt to promote intergalactic friendship, do you…

a) Offer them a refreshing earth beverage (they enjoy transmission fluid).

b) Raise your hand in a gesture of friendship and say, “Greetings and peace intergalactic traveler. Welcome to Earth!”

c) Tell them to get the hell off your lawn and start spraying them with your garden hose.

If you answered c, way to go. You’ve set intergalactic diplomacy back a few millennia asshole!

Question #6.

Whilst standing at the back of a long line up at a popular restaurant do you…

a)   Happily chat about the weather with the other people at the back of the line.

b)   Patiently and quietly wait while you read a book you brought for just such an occasion.

c)   To discourage other diners and secure a more favourable position in line, loudly discuss, in excruciating detail, the severe nauseating cramps and diarrhea you experienced last time you ate at this restaurant.

If you answered “c” – swift move butt plug.

Question #7.

You are in the cinema and the movie has just begun. This is the time when most people sit back and relax, but not you. Do you…

a)  Immediately start to talk with the person next to you and tell them what happens at the end of the movie.

b)  Decide you need a snack at that very moment, get up and disturb an entire row of people and leave to buy a meal sized snack which you will noisily chomp, snort and slurp on throughout the entire movie.

c)  Stand up and try to start “the Wave.”

If you answered a, b or c – that pretty much describes my last movie going experience you assholes.

Question #8.

When you are high up on the top floor balcony of an apartment or on an observation deck do you…

a)   Look to see if you can see your house from such a high vantage point.

b)   Break some seriously nasty wind and hope that no one notices.

c)   Check the wind speed and direction, and then try to see if you can spit on the people in the next town.

If you answered “c” cool move asshole. If you answered “b,” watch the fibre in your diet.

Question #9.

You’re at a company meeting in the boardroom. Your boss, a seriously fat-assed fifty-something banal incubus of a guy whose been going through a very wacky mid-life crisis walks into the Monday morning meeting sporting a new toupee, an earring and a tattoo that says “Pimpin”.

Do you…

a)   Start by sucking up to the boss with compliments about how natural his new toupee looks.

b)   Ask him if he’s lost weight.

c)   Offer to wash his car.

d)   Offer to lick his boots.

OK, a, b, c or d – no matter your answer, we’re all assholes in this situation. Hopefully we get to keep our jobs.

Finally,

Question #10.

You are out driving along the freeway when, all of a sudden, someone zooms passed you and flashes a silly “Ha ha, I passed you” grin at you as they fly by, do you…

a)   Slow down and cower in the slow lane and feeling impotent and ashamed.

b)   Ignore the silly road dork and continue singing along to the Broadway show tune playing on your stereo.

c)   Floor it until you pull in close behind them, tailing them so close they can see you mouth the words “DIE ROAD SCUM!” in their rear view mirror. Then, putting the pedal to the metal, you pull out on to the shoulder of the road kicking up voluminous quantities of dust and gravel and zoom past them at twice the legal limit whilst displaying your “special finger” – the one most associated with acrimony.

If you answered “c” you probably already know you are an asshole and you don’t care. Your membership to ARSE is in the mail.

~~~

Your score: Who gives a shit? It’s all about you anyway, isn’t it?

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Corporate Chimps Run the World (into the ground)

By Timo Cerantola

In view of our recent banking dysfunction and in order to understand the economic predicament we now find ourselves in, one must understand the motivations of those individuals who played a large part in creating this disaster – namely a curious creature known as the “corporate chimp.”

This gangrenous filth er… creature known as the corporate chimp, lives solely to kiss the asses of the world’s corporate elite; their main purpose in life being the worship of wealth and attainment of money.

True, though these greedy mammals have existed throughout history, our present financial disaster is due in large part to a particular branch of the species – a group that was discovered in the early 20th century in the Wall Street swamp.

This corporate chimp is an altogether peculiar species. Identified by a black or dark blue suit, which often turns to a grayish color in more aged chimps. The number one job of the corporate chimp is to acquire money for itself and the corporation – (OK, it’s actually their number two job after they get up off their knees).

The twentieth century corporate chimp is usually, though not exclusively, found in one of seven main habitats; the Federal Reserve, corporation board rooms, banks, AM talk radio, the ‘mainstream’ news media, law firms and of course, the Wall Street swamp – though recently a large number of the corporate beast has migrated its way into the upper halls of government around the globe.

Yes, though a majority of the chimps gravitate towards money, the most dangerous chimps head straight for politics, usually after a brief stopover in law.

Shameless bootlicking and sucking up to wealth form the main characteristics of the chimp. This somewhat parasitic bipedal mammal displays an innate propensity to disregard any basic morals or rules of fair play – showing an eager willingness to eliminate ethics and switch loyalties at a moments notice should the possibility of monetary gain arise.

Generally active from dawn to dusk, the corporate chimp typically sleeps in a luxurious home and does most of its foraging for food in expensive restaurants and in corporate boxes at sporting events. And, although sucking at the corporate teat seems to form the bulk of the chimp’s behavior, the teat offers very little nourishment and thus many chimps have been observed to eat other small, usually defenseless mammals.

Corporate chimps have a superficial social organization that is gregarious and loosely based around the sport of golf. Most chimps belong to groups called “clubs.” While interacting, the chimps or “club members” often break up into subgroups called “foursomes.”

When chimps from different or opposing communities meet each other on the golf course, they are usually peaceful, at least outwardly – though at times there may be loud vocalizing, antagonistic displays of displeasure and occasionally, serious lying and manipulating of the facts should there be some financial gain in the offing.

Social relations within chimp communities are significantly affected by the species’ affinity for status. Chimps use money and lying to promote the sharing of wealth, to make up after fights, to gain favors and generally to strengthen relationships. However, should this wealth dry up, partnerships are quickly forgotten as there is very little predilection towards loyalty in the chimp’s character.

When circling, especially in banking or the stock market, a group of chimps can be very vicious carnivorous hunters which, once a substantial monetary gain has been achieved, will retire back to the relative safety of their packs, typically composed of a dominant breeding corporation and their dependent subsidiaries.

Natural predators to the chimp include trade unions, socialized medicine, social-democratic governments and any type of sharing of resources that would benefit the global community at large – though recently, many corporate chimps have developed an inclination towards socialism in the form of bailouts – now strictly referred to as “stimulus packages.”

Oddly enough, in the past, socialism was regarded as a loser philosophy by the wondrous chimp kings of finance. However, in view of recent economic calamities, when applied to corporations and banks, socialism is now acceptable.

Yes, thanks to the many corporate chimps now in government, many bank and corporate losses have now become the responsibility of the taxpayers – losses are now being socialized but profits, of course, still remain the responsibility of corporations and banks and their chimps.

Despite the government handouts, these chimps still regard themselves as the “masters of the universe” – though in reality, as our present economic reality has revealed, they are merely company men, gophers and disgraceful suck-ups willing to do the ass kissing no one with any self respect would do.

Given their wide historical distribution, corporate chimps have been shown to have no regard for the environment. In its endless pursuit of the dollar, no amount of destruction, war, pestilence or disease will deter the corporate chimp from its greedy mission. There are no ethics, rules, laws or sense of fair play where chimps are concerned. There is no right and wrong when it comes to money. The quintessential corporate chimp is one without conscience or integrity.

Should you happen to see a chimp in its natural element, e.g. banks and the stock market, if you must, approach it with caution but keep your hand firmly on your wallet. Do not trust this animal with money.

In closing, corporate chimps should remember one-thing. Though it may be true that he who dies with the most toys may win the money game of life – he is still, thankfully, dead.

Note: For those of you who enjoy exotic pets, corporate chimps make wonderful house pets. If you have enough money, many corporate chimps are for sale right now at bargain prices!

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