Category Archives: politics

Advice for the Historically Challenged

Dear Abby,

I don’t want to give my identity away so let’s just say I’m the former leader of a very powerful North American country. I’m writing you because I have a very serious legacy problem. I thought you might be able to help me out.

You see Abby, for most of my tenure as president, I was basically what they call a lame duck leader – not like a real duck that is actually lame like from having a bad leg or being shot by Dick Turdblossom (not his real name), but a lame duck like in the way they call presidents who are merely figureheads without any real power. I don’t really know why they call us that, they just do. Anyways, I am real concerned with how history will remember me.

Now early on, I used to be a pretty popular leader with huge approval ratings. Heck, everyone wanted to have a beer with me. But after a year or so, everyone just thought of me as the village idiot, and my popularity dropped faster than a mob informant in the Hudson River. Anyway, I was hoping y’all could help me out with some advice regarding my historical legacy.

I always wanted to be a leader. My daddy was a leader. I thought it would make me very happy. The leader before me, “Bill Klinton” (name changed to protect his identity) always looked so calm, cool and collected that is, until he got caught with his pants down a few years back.

Seems a lot of those intern girls really went for Billy, though if you ask me, that Veronica Brewinski girl (not her real name either) was easier than microwave popcorn. But I guess beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, heh-heh-heh, get it?

Anyway, I’ve been out of work for 5 years and I’ve got nothing going on. Ol’ Bill has been out of office for 13 years and he still gets no end of invites to big time universities, fancy dinners and TV interviews.

Now it’s true, my leadership did have a few problems. The people saw me as a witless moron just because I couldn’t pronounciate some words so good. So what, if my vocabulary is as bad as, uh, whatever?

And so what if I got my country mixed up in a couple of really dumb wars – and then declared victory – and then screwed up a hurricane disaster relief thing – and messed up my country’s finances, turning the wealthiest nation on the planet into a economic basket case.

OK, so I made a couple of mistakes.

If only I got an easy ride like another former leader of my nation, “Donald Deagan” (not his real name). Now “Donald” had quite a few laughs, he met the Pope, attacked Grenada, sang some old Irish tunes with a few heads of state and got a ton of free airplane rides. That ol’ geezer was a real character and the people really loved him. Heck, history already remembers him as one of the greats.

But hey, being president in good times isn’t exactly rocket surgery. When my turn came to lead, I had it tough. Really, if it wasn’t one thing, it was two things. I got confused.

People started getting critical of me, going on about how dumb I was and making fun of the way I pronounciated ‘new-cue-lar.’ So I screwed up a few times. Maybe I should never have run for president in the first place. True, I was totally unprepared – except for having a whole lot of alcohol in me.

Now, there’s this new fella, Barney O’Bama (name changed to protect his identity) – just elected for his second term. Everyone’s always going on about how good lookin’ he is, how nice he is and how he’s a hundred times smarter than me! OK, maybe he’s fifty times smarter than me, but not a hundred.

Needless to say, lately, with that O’Bama fella getting all the attention, when I go out in public, I feel about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.

So Abby, if you can, help me. I want to get me some of those real good write-ups in the history books. I won’t make a move till I hear from you.

Signed, Historically challenged.

Dear Historically Challenged,

Like most people, I too find you astonishingly stupid. The best advice I have for you is, for the rest of your life, remember; you have two eyes and one mouth. Keep two of them open and the other shut – and I’m not talking about winking.

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Corporate Chimps Run the World (into the ground)

By Timo Cerantola

In view of our recent banking dysfunction and in order to understand the economic predicament we now find ourselves in, one must understand the motivations of those individuals who played a large part in creating this disaster – namely a curious creature known as the “corporate chimp.”

This gangrenous filth er… creature known as the corporate chimp, lives solely to kiss the asses of the world’s corporate elite; their main purpose in life being the worship of wealth and attainment of money.

True, though these greedy mammals have existed throughout history, our present financial disaster is due in large part to a particular branch of the species – a group that was discovered in the early 20th century in the Wall Street swamp.

This corporate chimp is an altogether peculiar species. Identified by a black or dark blue suit, which often turns to a grayish color in more aged chimps. The number one job of the corporate chimp is to acquire money for itself and the corporation – (OK, it’s actually their number two job after they get up off their knees).

The twentieth century corporate chimp is usually, though not exclusively, found in one of seven main habitats; the Federal Reserve, corporation board rooms, banks, AM talk radio, the ‘mainstream’ news media, law firms and of course, the Wall Street swamp – though recently a large number of the corporate beast has migrated its way into the upper halls of government around the globe.

Yes, though a majority of the chimps gravitate towards money, the most dangerous chimps head straight for politics, usually after a brief stopover in law.

Shameless bootlicking and sucking up to wealth form the main characteristics of the chimp. This somewhat parasitic bipedal mammal displays an innate propensity to disregard any basic morals or rules of fair play – showing an eager willingness to eliminate ethics and switch loyalties at a moments notice should the possibility of monetary gain arise.

Generally active from dawn to dusk, the corporate chimp typically sleeps in a luxurious home and does most of its foraging for food in expensive restaurants and in corporate boxes at sporting events. And, although sucking at the corporate teat seems to form the bulk of the chimp’s behavior, the teat offers very little nourishment and thus many chimps have been observed to eat other small, usually defenseless mammals.

Corporate chimps have a superficial social organization that is gregarious and loosely based around the sport of golf. Most chimps belong to groups called “clubs.” While interacting, the chimps or “club members” often break up into subgroups called “foursomes.”

When chimps from different or opposing communities meet each other on the golf course, they are usually peaceful, at least outwardly – though at times there may be loud vocalizing, antagonistic displays of displeasure and occasionally, serious lying and manipulating of the facts should there be some financial gain in the offing.

Social relations within chimp communities are significantly affected by the species’ affinity for status. Chimps use money and lying to promote the sharing of wealth, to make up after fights, to gain favors and generally to strengthen relationships. However, should this wealth dry up, partnerships are quickly forgotten as there is very little predilection towards loyalty in the chimp’s character.

When circling, especially in banking or the stock market, a group of chimps can be very vicious carnivorous hunters which, once a substantial monetary gain has been achieved, will retire back to the relative safety of their packs, typically composed of a dominant breeding corporation and their dependent subsidiaries.

Natural predators to the chimp include trade unions, socialized medicine, social-democratic governments and any type of sharing of resources that would benefit the global community at large – though recently, many corporate chimps have developed an inclination towards socialism in the form of bailouts – now strictly referred to as “stimulus packages.”

Oddly enough, in the past, socialism was regarded as a loser philosophy by the wondrous chimp kings of finance. However, in view of recent economic calamities, when applied to corporations and banks, socialism is now acceptable.

Yes, thanks to the many corporate chimps now in government, many bank and corporate losses have now become the responsibility of the taxpayers – losses are now being socialized but profits, of course, still remain the responsibility of corporations and banks and their chimps.

Despite the government handouts, these chimps still regard themselves as the “masters of the universe” – though in reality, as our present economic reality has revealed, they are merely company men, gophers and disgraceful suck-ups willing to do the ass kissing no one with any self respect would do.

Given their wide historical distribution, corporate chimps have been shown to have no regard for the environment. In its endless pursuit of the dollar, no amount of destruction, war, pestilence or disease will deter the corporate chimp from its greedy mission. There are no ethics, rules, laws or sense of fair play where chimps are concerned. There is no right and wrong when it comes to money. The quintessential corporate chimp is one without conscience or integrity.

Should you happen to see a chimp in its natural element, e.g. banks and the stock market, if you must, approach it with caution but keep your hand firmly on your wallet. Do not trust this animal with money.

In closing, corporate chimps should remember one-thing. Though it may be true that he who dies with the most toys may win the money game of life – he is still, thankfully, dead.

Note: For those of you who enjoy exotic pets, corporate chimps make wonderful house pets. If you have enough money, many corporate chimps are for sale right now at bargain prices!

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