Tag Archives: funny

The Asshole Quiz – are you one?

bytimocerantola

Am I an asshole? Don’t answer yet (though I believe I know what your response will be).

This is a question we all should ask ourselves once in a while because we are all guilty of a shameful slipup now and again – though for some it does seem to be their modus operandi.

Indeed, in this selfish, greedy, dog-eat-dog world, the asshole population seems to be increasing exponentially – and not just on Wall Street with its many miscreant money traders or in the halls of government that seem to overflow with a gangrenous, noxious filth that pretends at public service. No, the ‘asshole’ phenomenon I speak of now permeates society at every level – at work, school, in church, in malls, grocery stores, drive-thru restaurants and most observably whilst driving your car on the freeway.

And so, in the understanding that a problem cannot be remedied until we first acknowledge that it exists, I have devised the following quiz to help you determine where the assholes are in your life – and perhaps establish what your friends and family have suspected about you for many years.

Note: If you answer too many of the following questions correctly; you are a prime candidate for membership in ARSE (Association of Repugnant Swine and Evil-bastards). This is nothing to be proud of.

Question #1.

You are driving in the passing lane on the freeway at 45 mph. Traffic is piling up behind you but you can’t drive any faster because you’re too busy text messaging your best friend, having a sip of coffee and picking your nose all at the same time. There you are, just cruising along in all your splendor whilst your Global Positioning System bleeps out road directions when, all of a sudden, some annoying, impatient, road weasel has the temerity to honk his horn at you, attempting to get you to pull over so that he can pass. Do you…

a) Get out your cell phone and call a buddy to set up a golf date.
b) Check your hair in the rearview.
c) Roll down your window and flip him “the bird.”

If you answered “c” you are an asshole – if you answered “a” – smooth move road warrior.

Question #2.

You are in a department store when they announce a “blue light” half-price special on “Mr. Poopy Bear” – a toy your kids would kill to have. Do you…

a) Quickly proceed to the sale area and courteously look for the end of the line, conducting your self in a civilized manner.
b) Dash to the sale and scoop up only a couple of the sale items so that others might also have a chance.
c) Grab a football helmet from the sports department and crash the line yelling, ‘Move or die, road kill!’ – and then proceed to empty the entire “poopy” display into your shopping cart.

If you answered “c” – this is a serious exhibition of ‘back passage’ type behaviour.

Question #3.

You’re dining at an all-you-can-eat restaurant. It is extremely busy and you’re worried there will not be enough food left for your second, third and ninth helpings, do you…

a) When confronted with only one dinner roll left on the buffet table, politely offer to split the bun with the next person in line.
b) Fill your plate with a modest portion of each of the many offerings so that others may have a chance.
c) Defy the laws of gravity by piling food three and a half feet above your plate, grab an entire apple pie from the dessert tray and then stuff the remaining bread roll down your pants.

If you answered “c” – guess what sphincter boy. If you answered “a” – that’s polite to the point of creepy. Congratulations. You’ve just been nominated for the “Mama’s Boy” award for 2014.

Question #4.

You are in the grocery store and you have too many items for the “8 items or less” line, do you…

a) Do the right thing and move to the regular line because you have 14 items.
b) Politely ask the cashier if you can sneak in an extra item or 6.
c) Throw your jacket over the 8 items or less sign and then pile a weeks worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.

If you answered “C” – even if you are someone’s grandma, you are in hemorrhoid territory.

Question #5.

An Alien spacecraft has landed in your backyard and you are the first human they encounter. In an attempt to promote intergalactic friendship, do you…

a) Offer them a refreshing earth beverage (they enjoy transmission fluid).
b) Raise your hand in a gesture of friendship and say, “Greetings and peace intergalactic space traveler. Welcome to Earth!”
c) Tell them to get the hell off your lawn and start spraying them with your garden hose.

If you answered c – way to go asshole. You’ve just set intergalactic diplomacy back a few thousand years!

Question #6.

Whilst standing at the back of a long line up at a popular restaurant do you…
a) Happily chat about the weather with the other people at the back of the line.
b) Patiently and quietly wait while you read a book you brought for just such an occasion.
c) Try to discourage other diners from remaining in line by loudly discussing, in excruciating detail, the severe bout of vomiting and diarrhea you experienced last time you ate at this restaurant.

If you answered “c” – swift move butt plug.

Question #7.

You are in the cinema and the movie has just begun. This is the time when most people sit back and relax, but not you. Do you…

a) Immediately start to talk with the person next to you and tell them what happens at the end of the movie.
b) Decide you need a snack at that very moment and get up and disturb an entire row of people – eventually returning with a massive, meal sized snack which you noisily chomp, snort and slurp on throughout the entire movie.
c) Stand up and try to start “the Wave.”

If you answered a, b or c – that pretty much describes my last movie going experience you assholes.

Question #8.

When you are high up on the top floor balcony of an apartment or on an observation deck do you…

a) Look to see if you can see your house from such a high vantage point.
b) Break some seriously nasty wind and hope that no one notices.
c) Check the wind speed and direction, and then try to see if you can spit on the people in the next town.

If you answered “c” cool move asshole. If you answered “b” – cut down on the fibre in your diet.

Question #9.

You’re at a company meeting in the boardroom. Your boss, a seriously fat-assed fifty-something guy going through a wacky mid-life crisis walks into the Monday morning meeting sporting a new toupee, an earring and a tattoo that says “Pimpin”.
Do you…

a) Start by sucking up to the boss with compliments about how natural his new toupee looks.
b) Ask him if he’s lost weight.
c) Offer to wash his car.
d) Offer to lick his boots.

OK, a, b, c or d – no matter your answer, we’re all assholes in this situation. Hopefully we get to keep our jobs.

Finally,
Question #10.

You are driving on the freeway when all of a sudden, someone passes you at break neck speed whilst laughing and flashing a “Ha-ha, I passed you” grin at you, do you…

a) Slow down and cower in the slow lane feeling impotent and ashamed.
b) Ignore the silly road dork and continue singing along to the Broadway show tunes playing on your stereo.
c) ‘Floor it’ and pull in close behind their bumper, tailing them so close they can see you mouth the words “DIE ROAD SCUM!” in their rear view mirror. Then, putting the pedal to the metal, you pull out on to the shoulder of the road kicking up voluminous quantities of dust and gravel and zoom past them at twice the legal limit whilst displaying your “special finger” (the one most associated with acrimony).

If you answered “c” you probably already know you’re an asshole and you don’t care. Your membership to ARSE is in the mail.

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Filed under funny, humor, Life, quiz

Resistance is Futile

bytimocerantola

On the way home from work last night, the news reported that the price of was going up by 4 cents a litre at midnight. So, I pulled into the very first gas station I saw and uttered some words I rarely ever say.

“Fill’er up.” I told the attendant. Eighty-three dollars and several tears later, I was on my way.

As I drove off, I thought back to the early 1960’s when my Dad would pull into our friendly neighbourhood BP (British Petroleum) gas station and say…

“Fill’er up or five dollars – whichever comes first!”

For those of you who have never visited the sixties, back then, gas station attendants, fearing an overflow, would be very cautious when trying to squeeze a whole five dollars worth of gas into your tank. If this sounds far-fetched to you, ask your grandparents to verify this seemingly unbelievable assertion.

Back then, even though my father drove a gas pig, five dollars was enough for a week’s worth of driving in the family boat. Of course my dad never took us anywhere, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, as expected, this morning the price of gas jumped the reported 4 cents a litre to 132.9 cents – or approximately $6 per gallon.

If you expect your government to do anything about the ever-rising fuel costs, forget it. Sure, at election time they always promise to look into the matter but, the sad truth is, other than getting the usual group of officious sock-puppets and political windbags together to form gaseous committees, our leaders have proven to be impotent when it comes to doing battle with the ‘big oil’ corporations.

Many people believe the price of gas could be easily reduced if the government merely dropped the taxes but, according to one government spokesperson I heard recently on a radio show, this strategy will not work. According to this bureaucratic blowhard, our government does everything possible to keep the price of fuel low because they truly feel for you and me, the gas buying public. But alas, he explained, decreasing taxes will not lower the price.

NOTE: Before I go any further on how lowering gas taxes has no effect on the price, to fully understand the convoluted logic of the political mind you must first bang your head repeatedly against a concrete wall. This will properly prepare your brain to absorb the information. Come back when you’re done. I’ll still be here.

Back so soon?

Feeling a little woozy?

Good, it should help.

Now, as I heard it explained on the radio, lowering taxes will have no effect on the price of gas. Rather, lowering taxes will only serve as a signal to oil producers to raise prices even further because the public is already acclimatized to paying the higher price anyway. Sadly, according to some of the brightest minds in official-dumb, government is powerless to do anything about gas prices except, of course, rake-in billions in tax dollars.

For a brief moment, I actually started to buy into this weird, crazy explanation. But then the sobering truth hit me like an unquenchable gas-guzzling Hummer. I had an epiphany. I finally understood what was really going on behind the scenes in government institutions all around the world. It was the only logical explanation. The world’s leaders have been taken over by those evil, half man/half machine Borg aliens from Star Trek and we are all about to be assimilated – one gas tank at a time!

Think about it. First they encourage us to support the economy by buying large, expensive, gas-thirsty vehicles. Then, they slowly jack-up the price of gas until we are spending more on fuel than food.  Finally, they’ve got us where they’ve always wanted us (by the pistons) – and that’s when, like in Star Trek, they assimilate you. Resistance is futile. You are Borg and part of the gasoline-addicted collective!

It’s scandalous, but somehow “big oil” has managed to turn the entire car driving public into passive, puerile, pushovers. We’ve become a bunch of languid, lazy-minded automatons who have forgotten about natural human locomotion.

C’mon people, think about it! There is only one way to do battle with these greedy gas titans and the battle cry is “WE WILL WALK – or at least ride our bikes!”

That’s right. For our collective health and wealth, not to mention cleaner air, we must start walking more and using our vehicles only when absolutely necessary.

Sure, we may be losing the battle now, but the war has just begun. If the world’s oil producers suddenly see hundreds of millions of people walking and riding their bikes to work, they’ll quake with fear and lower their gasoline prices immediately. Trust me, I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek. I know how to handle the Borg.

 

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