By Timo Cerantola
Am I an asshole?
Don’t answer that yet (though I think I know what your response will be).
It’s a question we all should ask ourselves for, at times we are all guilty of a little shameful if not disgraceful behaviour – though for some, it has become their life’s purpose, their modus-operandi if you will.
Indeed, in this selfish, greedy, dog-eat-dog world, the asshole population seems to be increasing exponentially – and not just on Wall Street with its many miscreant money traders or in the halls of government that overflow with a gangrenous, noxious filth that pretends at public service.
No, “the asshole” phenomenon now permeates society at every level – at work, school, church, the grocery store, drive-thru restaurants and, especially, whilst driving on the freeway.
And so, I have devised a quiz that will help you determine where the assholes are in your life and perhaps, determine what your friends and relatives have suspected about you for many years.
Remember, if you answer too many of these questions correctly; you are a prime candidate for membership in ARSE (Association of Repugnant Swine and Evil-bastards). This is nothing to be proud of.
You are driving in the passing lane on the freeway at 45 mph. Traffic is piling up behind you but hey, you can’t go any faster because you’re text messaging your wife, typing on your laptop, having a nice sip of your coffee latte supremo and picking your nose all at the same time. There you are, just cruising along the highway in all your macho splendour with your Global Positioning System bleeping out road directions and your stereo blaring WHEN, all of a sudden some impatient road weasel has the temerity to honk his horn at you, trying to get you to pull over so that he can pass. Do you…
a) Get out your cell phone and call a buddy to set up a golf date.
b) You’d like to help him out but you’re too busy doing everything but driving responsibly.
c) Flip him “the bird.”
If you answered “c” you are an asshole – if you answered “a” – smooth move road warrior.
You are in a large department store when, over the public address system they announce a “blue light” half-price special on the toy “Mr. Poopy Bear” – a toy that you know your kid would kill for. Do you…
a) Immediately proceed to the sale area and courteously look for the end of the line, conducting yourself in a civilized manner.
b) Dash to the sale area and quickly scoop up only a couple of the sale items so that others will also have a chance.
c) You grab a football helmet and shoulder pads from the sports department and then, whilst running full speed with your head down and pushing your grocery cart, crash the line screaming “Move or die, road kill!” – and then proceed to empty the entire “poopy” display into your shopping cart.
If you answered “c” you are starting to exhibit some ‘back passage’ type behaviour.
You are out dining out at an all-you-can-eat food buffet, it is extremely busy and you’re not sure there will be enough food left for your seconds, thirds and fourths, do you…
a) When confronted with only one dinner roll left on the buffet table, politely offer to split it with the next person in line.
b) Fill your plate with a modest sampling of each of the many offerings so that others may have a chance.
c) Defy the laws of gravity by piling food three and a half feet above your plate, grab an entire apple pie from the dessert tray and then stuff the remaining bread roll down your pants.
If you answered “c”, you must be an asshole. If you answered “a” – that’s almost creepy, you wuss. Congratulations. You’ve just been awarded the “Mama’s Boy” award for 2009.
You are in the grocery store and you have too many items for the “8 items or less” line, do you…
a) Fair-mindedly move to the regular line because you have 14 items.
b) Politely ask the cashier if you can sneak in an extra item or 6. Or…
c) You throw your jacket over the 8 items or less sign and then pile a weeks worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.
If you answered “C” – even if you are someone’s grandma, you are in hemorrhoid territory.
An Alien spacecraft has landed in your backyard and you are the first human they encounter. In an attempt to promote intergalactic friendship, do you…
a) Offer them a refreshing earth beverage (they enjoy transmission fluid).
b) Raise your hand in a gesture of friendship and say, “Greetings and peace intergalactic traveler. Welcome to Earth!”
c) Tell them to get the hell off your lawn and start spraying them with your garden hose.
If you answered c, way to go. You’ve set intergalactic diplomacy back a few millennia asshole!
Whilst standing at the back of a long line up at a popular restaurant do you…
a) Happily chat about the weather with the other people at the back of the line.
b) Patiently and quietly wait while you read a book you brought for just such an occasion.
c) To discourage other diners and secure a more favourable position in line, loudly discuss, in excruciating detail, the severe nauseating cramps and diarrhea you experienced last time you ate at this restaurant.
If you answered “c” – swift move butt plug.
You are in the cinema and the movie has just begun. This is the time when most people sit back and relax, but not you. Do you…
a) Immediately start to talk with the person next to you and tell them what happens at the end of the movie.
b) Decide you need a snack at that very moment, get up and disturb an entire row of people and leave to buy a meal sized snack which you will noisily chomp, snort and slurp on throughout the entire movie.
c) Stand up and try to start “the Wave.”
If you answered a, b or c – that pretty much describes my last movie going experience you assholes.
When you are high up on the top floor balcony of an apartment or on an observation deck do you…
a) Look to see if you can see your house from such a high vantage point.
b) Break some seriously nasty wind and hope that no one notices.
c) Check the wind speed and direction, and then try to see if you can spit on the people in the next town.
If you answered “c” cool move asshole. If you answered “b,” watch the fibre in your diet.
You’re at a company meeting in the boardroom. Your boss, a seriously fat-assed fifty-something banal incubus of a guy whose been going through a very wacky mid-life crisis walks into the Monday morning meeting sporting a new toupee, an earring and a tattoo that says “Pimpin”.
a) Start by sucking up to the boss with compliments about how natural his new toupee looks.
b) Ask him if he’s lost weight.
c) Offer to wash his car.
d) Offer to lick his boots.
OK, a, b, c or d – no matter your answer, we’re all assholes in this situation. Hopefully we get to keep our jobs.
You are out driving along the freeway when, all of a sudden, someone zooms passed you and flashes a silly “Ha ha, I passed you” grin at you as they fly by, do you…
a) Slow down and cower in the slow lane and feeling impotent and ashamed.
b) Ignore the silly road dork and continue singing along to the Broadway show tune playing on your stereo.
c) Floor it until you pull in close behind them, tailing them so close they can see you mouth the words “DIE ROAD SCUM!” in their rear view mirror. Then, putting the pedal to the metal, you pull out on to the shoulder of the road kicking up voluminous quantities of dust and gravel and zoom past them at twice the legal limit whilst displaying your “special finger” – the one most associated with acrimony.
If you answered “c” you probably already know you are an asshole and you don’t care. Your membership to ARSE is in the mail.
Your score: Who gives a shit? It’s all about you anyway, isn’t it?