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Resistance is Futile


On the way home from work last night, the news reported that the price of was going up by 4 cents a litre at midnight. So, I pulled into the very first gas station I saw and uttered some words I rarely ever say.

“Fill’er up.” I told the attendant. Eighty-three dollars and several tears later, I was on my way.

As I drove off, I thought back to the early 1960’s when my Dad would pull into our friendly neighbourhood BP (British Petroleum) gas station and say…

“Fill’er up or five dollars – whichever comes first!”

For those of you who have never visited the sixties, back then, gas station attendants, fearing an overflow, would be very cautious when trying to squeeze a whole five dollars worth of gas into your tank. If this sounds far-fetched to you, ask your grandparents to verify this seemingly unbelievable assertion.

Back then, even though my father drove a gas pig, five dollars was enough for a week’s worth of driving in the family boat. Of course my dad never took us anywhere, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, as expected, this morning the price of gas jumped the reported 4 cents a litre to 132.9 cents – or approximately $6 per gallon.

If you expect your government to do anything about the ever-rising fuel costs, forget it. Sure, at election time they always promise to look into the matter but, the sad truth is, other than getting the usual group of officious sock-puppets and political windbags together to form gaseous committees, our leaders have proven to be impotent when it comes to doing battle with the ‘big oil’ corporations.

Many people believe the price of gas could be easily reduced if the government merely dropped the taxes but, according to one government spokesperson I heard recently on a radio show, this strategy will not work. According to this bureaucratic blowhard, our government does everything possible to keep the price of fuel low because they truly feel for you and me, the gas buying public. But alas, he explained, decreasing taxes will not lower the price.

NOTE: Before I go any further on how lowering gas taxes has no effect on the price, to fully understand the convoluted logic of the political mind you must first bang your head repeatedly against a concrete wall. This will properly prepare your brain to absorb the information. Come back when you’re done. I’ll still be here.

Back so soon?

Feeling a little woozy?

Good, it should help.

Now, as I heard it explained on the radio, lowering taxes will have no effect on the price of gas. Rather, lowering taxes will only serve as a signal to oil producers to raise prices even further because the public is already acclimatized to paying the higher price anyway. Sadly, according to some of the brightest minds in official-dumb, government is powerless to do anything about gas prices except, of course, rake-in billions in tax dollars.

For a brief moment, I actually started to buy into this weird, crazy explanation. But then the sobering truth hit me like an unquenchable gas-guzzling Hummer. I had an epiphany. I finally understood what was really going on behind the scenes in government institutions all around the world. It was the only logical explanation. The world’s leaders have been taken over by those evil, half man/half machine Borg aliens from Star Trek and we are all about to be assimilated – one gas tank at a time!

Think about it. First they encourage us to support the economy by buying large, expensive, gas-thirsty vehicles. Then, they slowly jack-up the price of gas until we are spending more on fuel than food.  Finally, they’ve got us where they’ve always wanted us (by the pistons) – and that’s when, like in Star Trek, they assimilate you. Resistance is futile. You are Borg and part of the gasoline-addicted collective!

It’s scandalous, but somehow “big oil” has managed to turn the entire car driving public into passive, puerile, pushovers. We’ve become a bunch of languid, lazy-minded automatons who have forgotten about natural human locomotion.

C’mon people, think about it! There is only one way to do battle with these greedy gas titans and the battle cry is “WE WILL WALK – or at least ride our bikes!”

That’s right. For our collective health and wealth, not to mention cleaner air, we must start walking more and using our vehicles only when absolutely necessary.

Sure, we may be losing the battle now, but the war has just begun. If the world’s oil producers suddenly see hundreds of millions of people walking and riding their bikes to work, they’ll quake with fear and lower their gasoline prices immediately. Trust me, I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek. I know how to handle the Borg.


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The Apocalypse Quiz

By Timo Cerantola

According to many psychics, religious fundamentalists and doomsday enthusiasts (who are all, more or less, the same people), the prophesied final battle between good and evil is imminent.

In fact, these apocalyptic predictions are taken so seriously by so many, that a very profitable “end times” industry has emerged to service this growing need for pain, suffering, annihilation and ruin. True. The fans of death and destruction are many and they are willing to pay for a daily dosage of doom and gloom by way of newspapers, books and movies.

Granted, in view of recent world events, our collective demise doesn’t seem like as much of a stretch as it used to – especially when a fear mongering corporate media cheers from the sidelines, selling war and death along with their regular daily offerings of natural disasters, disease, pestilence and crime.

Still, despite this marketing of doom and prophetic pretentiousness, as far as I’m concerned, this end of the world business is nothing but mindless nonsense and Nostradamus is just a great name for a new sinus medication.

However, just in case I’m wrong and ‘final judgment’ will soon be upon us, perhaps you should prepare yourselves with some end times knowledge and take this, The Apocalypse Quiz.

Question number 1…

When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing for you to remember?

a) To hide in your basement with plenty of guns and ammo.
b) The Pledge of Allegiance.
c) Your faith in God’s love and your eternal soul.
d) To bring clean underwear.

2. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…

a) When planet Nibiru collides with the earth later this year.
b) When the DOW drops below 5,000 (later this year).
c) When the “fat lady” sings.
d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington, Moscow, Beijing…

3. When looking for signs of the end times, we are told to look for…

a) Great signs in the heavens

b) “www-endtimes-com” on the Internet

c) An increase in global disasters

d) an increase in homeowner insurance premiums.

4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes who will inherit the earth?

a) The Federal Reserve
b) Bill Gates Jr.
c) Vladimir Putin
d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).

5. What is meant by “the rapture?”

a) Something that can happen when you pick up a really heavy object.
b) A Toronto basketball player.
c) It’s when God rescues His faithful before the battle of Armageddon.
d) It’s the feeling I’ll get when the Toronto Maple Leafs finally win
the Stanley Cup again.

6. It is said when Jesus returns; he will set up his earthly kingdom in.

a) New York
b) New Jersey
c) Disney World (next to Epcot)
d) The New Jerusalem

7. Which of the following 2 characters did NOT help Dorothy find her way to the Emerald City?

a) The Scarecrow
b) The Anti-Christ
c) The Tin Man
d) The False Prophet
e) The Cowardly Lion

8. In the 11th century, Malachy, an Irish Bishop, made a series of predictions listing the remaining 112 Popes leading up to Armageddon. According to Malachi, only one Pope remains after our present Pope Frances. Pick the correct one…

a) Pope Peter, the Roman.
b) Pope Obama, the lame duck
c) Pope Arnold, the Schwartzenegger.
d) Pope Bernanke – the Pope of Wall Street.

9. Which of the following is NOT an Edgar Cayce prophecy?

a) Atlantis will rise from the depths of the Atlantic.
b) A cataclysmic earthquake change will cause the Great Lakes
to drain into the Gulf of Mexico.
c) California and Japan will sink into the Pacific Ocean.
d) Pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes – or it’s free.

And finally…

10. What have the prophets really been trying to warn mankind of for these many centuries?

a) Of the many earth changes to come.
b) That the mark of “the Beast” is just a bad haircut.
c) That the words prophet and profit are surprisingly similar.
d) That like P.T. Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.

YOUR QUIZ SCORE: Who cares? The end is near for Pete’s sake. For once in your life stop trying to be such a smarty-pants!

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