I don’t want to give my identity away so let’s just say I’m the former leader of a very powerful North American country. I’m writing you because I have a very serious legacy problem. I thought you might be able to help me out.
You see Abby, for most of my tenure as president, I was basically what they call a lame duck leader – not like a real duck that is actually lame like from having a bad leg or being shot by Dick Turdblossom (not his real name), but a lame duck like in the way they call presidents who are merely figureheads without any real power. I don’t really know why they call us that, they just do. Anyways, I am real concerned with how history will remember me.
Now early on, I used to be a pretty popular leader with huge approval ratings. Heck, everyone wanted to have a beer with me. But after a year or so, everyone just thought of me as the village idiot, and my popularity dropped faster than a mob informant in the Hudson River. Anyway, I was hoping y’all could help me out with some advice regarding my historical legacy.
I always wanted to be a leader. My daddy was a leader. I thought it would make me very happy. The leader before me, “Bill Klinton” (name changed to protect his identity) always looked so calm, cool and collected that is, until he got caught with his pants down a few years back.
Seems a lot of those intern girls really went for Billy, though if you ask me, that Veronica Brewinski girl (not her real name either) was easier than microwave popcorn. But I guess beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, heh-heh-heh, get it?
Anyway, I’ve been out of work for 5 years and I’ve got nothing going on. Ol’ Bill has been out of office for 13 years and he still gets no end of invites to big time universities, fancy dinners and TV interviews.
Now it’s true, my leadership did have a few problems. The people saw me as a witless moron just because I couldn’t pronounciate some words so good. So what, if my vocabulary is as bad as, uh, whatever?
And so what if I got my country mixed up in a couple of really dumb wars – and then declared victory – and then screwed up a hurricane disaster relief thing – and messed up my country’s finances, turning the wealthiest nation on the planet into a economic basket case.
OK, so I made a couple of mistakes.
If only I got an easy ride like another former leader of my nation, “Donald Deagan” (not his real name). Now “Donald” had quite a few laughs, he met the Pope, attacked Grenada, sang some old Irish tunes with a few heads of state and got a ton of free airplane rides. That ol’ geezer was a real character and the people really loved him. Heck, history already remembers him as one of the greats.
But hey, being president in good times isn’t exactly rocket surgery. When my turn came to lead, I had it tough. Really, if it wasn’t one thing, it was two things. I got confused.
People started getting critical of me, going on about how dumb I was and making fun of the way I pronounciated ‘new-cue-lar.’ So I screwed up a few times. Maybe I should never have run for president in the first place. True, I was totally unprepared – except for having a whole lot of alcohol in me.
Now, there’s this new fella, Barney O’Bama (name changed to protect his identity) – just elected for his second term. Everyone’s always going on about how good lookin’ he is, how nice he is and how he’s a hundred times smarter than me! OK, maybe he’s fifty times smarter than me, but not a hundred.
Needless to say, lately, with that O’Bama fella getting all the attention, when I go out in public, I feel about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
So Abby, if you can, help me. I want to get me some of those real good write-ups in the history books. I won’t make a move till I hear from you.
Signed, Historically challenged.
Dear Historically Challenged,
Like most people, I too find you astonishingly stupid. The best advice I have for you is, for the rest of your life, remember; you have two eyes and one mouth. Keep two of them open and the other shut – and I’m not talking about winking.