The World’s Greatest Lovers – are not Canadian

By timo Cerantola

I recently stumbled upon an internet sex survey. The survey, conducted by a well-known condom manufacturer, basically suggested that internationally speaking, Canadians are not particularly sexy.

The results of the survey found that the world’s greatest lovers in order of nationality were the French, the Italians and the Americans. The results were based on frequency, quality, safety and obviously, damned lies.

Canadians did not do very well, finishing a very disappointing twelfth out of fifteen industrialized nations. I have only one question. Were any of you asked to compete in a “Worlds Greatest Lover” competition? I wasn’t and I’m an excellent hugger. Heck, I didn’t even know Canada had a team.

Now if you look at the facts from a strictly geographical point of view, Canada has only 35 million people and is the second largest country in the world. So, that probably gives us the distinction of least love making per square mile, but I don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here.

Area wise, Italy and France fit into Canada ten times or more and both have twice Canada’s population. So, that is an impressive amount of baby making for such small countries but, did they really enjoy themselves that much? And, more importantly, were they marking their scorecards honestly?

This survey had the audacity to suggest that we Canadians were uptight when it came to uh… err… you know…. “it.”

What a load of bull! I like to do “it” as much as the next person. If I prefer to keep the details of my horizontal life private, that’s my business.

The one thing Canadians scored (no pun intended) well at was the in the “considerate” department. As you know, globally Canadians have that “nice guy” image. So, we were awarded big points for being “considerate” lovers – but that doesn’t exactly suggest that we’re setting our bedrooms on fire with passion, does it?

Seriously, what does “considerate” mean in this context anyways?

“Considerate,” from where I stand, is always putting the toilet seat back down or never flushing while your partner is in the shower but, according to this dumb survey, “considerate” where Canadians are concerned means, when making love during the hockey playoffs, we Canadians always make sure both participants can see the TV, just in case someone scores, in the game, on the goalie!

Well isn’t that just great! Thanks to this stupid survey, the whole world is now under the impression that we considerate Canadians are a nation of lovers who always say please and thank you before love making, and have a nice day afterwards!

So, who decided on these ridiculous ‘Greatest Lover’ rankings?

Well, surprise! A French condom manufacturer conducted the survey so, is it any wonder that the French placed first in the competition?

Hey, put two and two together (get your minds out of the gutter). France is where the condom manufacturer is based and France is their largest market for sales. Naturally, they’re not going to go screwing around, figuratively speaking, with their best sales market are they? They wouldn’t want their largest market going limp upon hearing that they, the French, came up short in the sack, …uh survey.

As for the manufacturer, they obviously need better promotional gimmicks than these insulting surveys. I’ve got a good idea for them.

If they really want to get some major league international exposure, why don’t they just build a giant, condom-shaped blimp, write their name on the side – and then see if they can stick it, err… land it in the Superdome.

True, that might look kind of kinky, but at least it would get them some great advertising without insulting half the planets’ libido.

Now I’d bet if they’d conducted a survey on truthfulness when answering sex surveys, you would find Canadians at the top of that list and the French dead last – as the only things the French are really good at is cooking, making great wine and going on endlessly about how wonderful they all are in the sack.

As for the Americans well, a lot of my favourite aunts and uncles are American. I’d be too embarrassed to ask them what kind of weird, kinky, sexual acrobatics they performed in order to earn that third place ranking.

Oh well, I really don’t care what some foreign condom manufacturer thinks of Canada. It’s none of their damned business how extraordinarily superb Canadians are as lovers. In typical Canadian fashion, we prefer not to attract too much attention to ourselves. We don’t like to brag about “it” – we just deliver the goods, big time!