The Asshole Quiz: Are you one?

By Timo Cerantola

Am I an asshole?

Don’t answer that yet (though I think I know what your response will be).

It’s a question we all should ask ourselves for, at times we are all guilty of a little shameful if not disgraceful behaviour – though for some, it has become their life’s purpose, their modus-operandi if you will.

Indeed, in this selfish, greedy, dog-eat-dog world, the asshole population seems to be increasing exponentially – and not just on Wall Street with its many miscreant money traders or in the halls of government that overflow with a gangrenous, noxious filth that pretends at public service.

No, “the asshole” phenomenon now permeates society at every level – at work, school, church, the grocery store, drive-thru restaurants and, especially, whilst driving on the freeway.

And so, I have devised a quiz that will help you determine where the assholes are in your life and perhaps, determine what your friends and relatives have suspected about you for many years.

Remember, if you answer too many of these questions correctly; you are a prime candidate for membership in ARSE (Association of Repugnant Swine and Evil-bastards). This is nothing to be proud of.

Question #1.

You are driving in the passing lane on the freeway at 45 mph. Traffic is piling up behind you but hey, you can’t go any faster because you’re text messaging your wife, typing on your laptop, having a nice sip of your coffee latte supremo and picking your nose all at the same time. There you are, just cruising along the highway in all your macho splendour with your Global Positioning System bleeping out road directions and your stereo blaring WHEN, all of a sudden some impatient road weasel has the temerity to honk his horn at you, trying to get you to pull over so that he can pass. Do you…

a)   Get out your cell phone and call a buddy to set up a golf date.

b)   You’d like to help him out but you’re too busy doing everything but driving responsibly.

c)   Flip him “the bird.”

If you answered “c” you are an asshole – if you answered “a” – smooth move road warrior.

Question #2.

You are in a large department store when, over the public address system they announce a “blue light” half-price special on the toy “Mr. Poopy Bear” – a toy that you know your kid would kill for. Do you…

a) Immediately proceed to the sale area and courteously look for the end of the line, conducting yourself in a civilized manner.

b)   Dash to the sale area and quickly scoop up only a couple of the sale items so that others will also have a chance.

c)   You grab a football helmet and shoulder pads from the sports department and then, whilst running full speed with your head down and pushing your grocery cart, crash the line screaming “Move or die, road kill!” – and then proceed to empty the entire “poopy” display into your shopping cart.

If you answered “c” you are starting to exhibit some ‘back passage’ type behaviour.

Question #3.

You are out dining out at an all-you-can-eat food buffet, it is extremely busy and you’re not sure there will be enough food left for your seconds, thirds and fourths, do you…

a)   When confronted with only one dinner roll left on the buffet table, politely offer to split it with the next person in line.

b)   Fill your plate with a modest sampling of each of the many offerings so that others may have a chance.

c)   Defy the laws of gravity by piling food three and a half feet above your plate, grab an entire apple pie from the dessert tray and then stuff the remaining bread roll down your pants.

If you answered “c”, you must be an asshole. If you answered “a” – that’s almost creepy, you wuss. Congratulations. You’ve just been awarded the “Mama’s Boy” award for 2009.

Question #4.

You are in the grocery store and you have too many items for the “8 items or less” line, do you…

a)   Fair-mindedly move to the regular line because you have 14 items.

b)   Politely ask the cashier if you can sneak in an extra item or 6. Or…

c)   You throw your jacket over the 8 items or less sign and then pile a weeks worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.

If you answered “C” – even if you are someone’s grandma, you are in hemorrhoid territory.

Question #5.

An Alien spacecraft has landed in your backyard and you are the first human they encounter. In an attempt to promote intergalactic friendship, do you…

a) Offer them a refreshing earth beverage (they enjoy transmission fluid).

b) Raise your hand in a gesture of friendship and say, “Greetings and peace intergalactic traveler. Welcome to Earth!”

c) Tell them to get the hell off your lawn and start spraying them with your garden hose.

If you answered c, way to go. You’ve set intergalactic diplomacy back a few millennia asshole!

Question #6.

Whilst standing at the back of a long line up at a popular restaurant do you…

a)   Happily chat about the weather with the other people at the back of the line.

b)   Patiently and quietly wait while you read a book you brought for just such an occasion.

c)   To discourage other diners and secure a more favourable position in line, loudly discuss, in excruciating detail, the severe nauseating cramps and diarrhea you experienced last time you ate at this restaurant.

If you answered “c” – swift move butt plug.

Question #7.

You are in the cinema and the movie has just begun. This is the time when most people sit back and relax, but not you. Do you…

a)  Immediately start to talk with the person next to you and tell them what happens at the end of the movie.

b)  Decide you need a snack at that very moment, get up and disturb an entire row of people and leave to buy a meal sized snack which you will noisily chomp, snort and slurp on throughout the entire movie.

c)  Stand up and try to start “the Wave.”

If you answered a, b or c – that pretty much describes my last movie going experience you assholes.

Question #8.

When you are high up on the top floor balcony of an apartment or on an observation deck do you…

a)   Look to see if you can see your house from such a high vantage point.

b)   Break some seriously nasty wind and hope that no one notices.

c)   Check the wind speed and direction, and then try to see if you can spit on the people in the next town.

If you answered “c” cool move asshole. If you answered “b,” watch the fibre in your diet.

Question #9.

You’re at a company meeting in the boardroom. Your boss, a seriously fat-assed fifty-something banal incubus of a guy whose been going through a very wacky mid-life crisis walks into the Monday morning meeting sporting a new toupee, an earring and a tattoo that says “Pimpin”.

Do you…

a)   Start by sucking up to the boss with compliments about how natural his new toupee looks.

b)   Ask him if he’s lost weight.

c)   Offer to wash his car.

d)   Offer to lick his boots.

OK, a, b, c or d – no matter your answer, we’re all assholes in this situation. Hopefully we get to keep our jobs.

Finally,

Question #10.

You are out driving along the freeway when, all of a sudden, someone zooms passed you and flashes a silly “Ha ha, I passed you” grin at you as they fly by, do you…

a)   Slow down and cower in the slow lane and feeling impotent and ashamed.

b)   Ignore the silly road dork and continue singing along to the Broadway show tune playing on your stereo.

c)   Floor it until you pull in close behind them, tailing them so close they can see you mouth the words “DIE ROAD SCUM!” in their rear view mirror. Then, putting the pedal to the metal, you pull out on to the shoulder of the road kicking up voluminous quantities of dust and gravel and zoom past them at twice the legal limit whilst displaying your “special finger” – the one most associated with acrimony.

If you answered “c” you probably already know you are an asshole and you don’t care. Your membership to ARSE is in the mail.

~~~

Your score: Who gives a shit? It’s all about you anyway, isn’t it?

Armageddon May Not Be Suitable for Minors

by tim cerantola

IN the last, dark days of man… IN a world ruled by fear and hate… there comes a ragtag renegade group of war-loving, bible thumping Americans led by Jesus himself. The final battle between good and evil is on and all hell is about to break loose! Get ready for destruction. Get ready for mayhem. Get ready for blood. Get ready for Armageddon.

(Armageddon is rated PG-14 for gratuitous scenes of extreme violence and wrathful smiting and may not be suitable for minors).

This morning, as I scanned the TV dial, I could not resist viewing one particular religious program (and one preacher’s hairstyle, a style best described as ‘hairmageddon’).

I listened briefly as this wacky fundamentalist Christian minister ‘rejoiced’ for the end times – cheer-leading America and Israel’s righteous military might from his pulpit against the evil Iran.

“The ‘end times’ are upon us, praise Jesus.” He bellowed from his pulpit. Now send me money (my hairspray costs are through the roof).

It is a perverse Christianity we have in America these days – a mixed-up amalgam consisting of Jesus, bigotry and atomic war.

Like any true, decent, Jesus loving, God fearing Christians, this particular brand of crazies supports all manner of American and Israeli war mongering, torture, bombing, killing of innocent civilians and military interventions everywhere – including the use of nuclear weapons. Whatever it takes to get them to the Armageddon party – though oddly enough, they’re against terrorists and terrorism. Why? What’s the difference?

Oddly, Christianity’s religious zealots cannot see the irony when they accuse Islam’s religious zealots of inciting war and religious extremism.

Is it not total hypocrisy when Christians encourage their political leaders to war – shouldn’t they be pushing for peace?

You know, all that ‘turn the other cheek’ stuff Jesus incessantly blabs on and on about in the New Testament?

There appears to be two completely, antithetical types of Christians. A peace loving, care for the sick, feed the poor group with their loving and forgiving Jesus. And, a nasty, bloodthirsty, Old Testament group with their wrathful god of smiting, thunderbolt tossing and pestilence – very heavy on the friggin’ swine flu type pestilence of late.

These must be the Christian soldiers. The one’s that believe if you pray hard enough, god will kill your enemies for you. Apparently, their god also accepts prayers for sporting victories too. As for any other religious consideration, perhaps we should sacrifice a virgin to it before it’s too late.

From my point of view, this “end times” business is nothing but a sleazy commercial enterprise that has produced far too many books, crooks, schmucks and, most recently, political leaders. Seriously, if these end times people really believe Armageddon is nearly upon us, why are they still so profit motivated?

Why don’t they give away their books and tapes for free – or at least at cost?

Seriously, why can’t they, god’s people, save our souls at cost?

If the world is going to end, what good is getting rich going to do them?

Getting rich off of god’s name is what most politically powerful Christians of political influence do best, as they busily grease the wheels of America’s war machine from their television pulpits each day. These “Christians” gleefully encourage their government’s incessant war posturing, constitutional crack-downs on freedoms and overtures to future wars against anyone they brand with the “evil” label – not to mention, calling for the use of nukes against civilian populations and assassination of democratically elected foreign leaders if the mood strikes them.

From a “Love Thy Neighbour” point of view, death and destruction hardly seem like a good way of promoting Jesus – but who said anything about THAT Jesus! That wimpy, peace-mongering, turn-the-other-cheek mama’s boy!

These nutty Christian freaks speak of a different Jesus. They’re talking about that gun totting, grenade tossing, holy killing machine G.I. JESUS! Boo-yaw! He’s mean, he’s tough, he’s gonna kick your unholy butt!

If god is who they claim he is, I think he, it (?) is going to be really pissed off at their sickening rendition of Jesus the Christ and prince of peace. (He’s probably going to be pissed at me too for that holy killing machine remark, but that’s a story for another day).

Of course, many Christian apologists will tell you the reason behind all this enthusiastic doomsday revelry and merriment is the second coming of Jesus – who will then rapture them away to some gated community in heaven; finally safe from all the pain and suffering in the world – much of which they, American Christian evangelicals, are responsible for through their blind support of a succession of warmongering American governments.

After all, the “religious right” was the driving force behind twice-elected Saint Dubya, patron saint of illegal wars, torture and the radio-active, two-headed chicken. I wonder if the Armageddon kids feel let down, now that a kinder, gentler, war-mongerer is taking over in the White House?

But don’t worry America. Start hitching up you’re Armageddon war and death wagons because America is getting ready to roll again – only this time America doesn’t even need the extra propaganda from you religious right wing nutbars.

Barack Obama, all by his one-sies, has threatened Iran with severe sanctions if it does not comply with international monitoring of its nuclear sites – which, by the way, Iran has already complied in accordance with the IAEA agreement. I know, I know, you’re confused.

Obama and his NATO posse have portrayed all this Iranian nuke stuff as a nefarious deception on Iran’s part. However, the nuclear facilities in question, according to the IAEA, are not weapons plants and have been declared in a timely fashion in accordance with the international agreement. So, if you want to draw any solid conclusions here when it comes to international law, I recommend you conclude that the US and its NATO allies are full of sh… (er, insert proper foul language here).

Ironically, Obama also issued this statement. “Iran is breaking rules that all nations must follow.”

Of course when confronted with such a statement, one can only conclude that Obama has forgotten to take his medication, as you see, Obama’s own nation continues to break the rules that all nations must follow as it is currently engaged in several illegal wars and occupations.

Gee, and I thought Obama was for world peace. Obviously, he’s changed his mind again. He must have a really sore ass from all that flipflopping!

”War doesn’t determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.” Unknown.

NostraTimus’ Predictions for 2010

By Tim Cerantola

Once again, it’s that time of year when we psychics types waste everybody’s time making bogus predictions for the coming new year.

True, I admit I am a little bit challenged in the psychic department (I’m zero for 470) but, if it’s any consolation, I do have regular psychotic episodes – and the word psychotic is right next to psychic in the dictionary.

OK, here it comes, next year’s news now. I can feel the psychic magic just a buzzin’ through my veins, hmmm…

For 2010 I foresee that in Pakistan (motto: “bomb our cities please”) we will see more unrest as Barack “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize” Obama continues dropping “peace makers” on that country – not to mention sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan to fight for peace, love and corporate profits.

In the sports world, golfer Tiger “most of my money I blew chasing women and getting drunk – the rest I wasted” Woods, will finally learn that growing old is inevitable – and that growing up is merely optional.

In 2010, a lasting peace will be reached – on the planet Glumgork. I wish I were there.

Despite money-man Tim Geitner’s optimistic economic outlook, the American dollar will continue losing ground against most board game currencies – dropping so far below the value of Monopoly money the Federal Reserve will be replaced by Milton Bradley.

In 2010, the “Decade of Greed” will finally come to an end (and a new decade of greed will begin).

Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs but enough about Congress – Hillary Clinton will continue to annoy people clear through to 2011.

In 2010, Jesus will return. So everybody, LOOK BUSY DOING GOOD!

Due to severe market upheaval, the Boogey Man, Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be laid-off. In an attempt for a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security. The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.

Continuing with George Bush’s economic program of ‘No greedy Wall Street bastard left behind’ – Barack Obama will open “Crazy Barack’s Discount Country” where he will begin to sell out the taxpayer and US public assets at incredibly low, low prices. “Want to buy a municipal water system cheap? We’ve got several marked down to move! How about a massive freeway system? We have so much stock, we just have to clear it out…”

An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. The aliens, upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshields washed by massive hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for the service, an endless stream of irate street side windshield washers will beat them senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.

Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings will go badly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will complain, “We know we said take us to your leader, …now, take us to someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”

In 2010, God will declare bankruptcy. In an effort to bailout the once considered, “to big to fail” Creator of the Universe, Ben “Mr. Dollars” Bernanke will cut “the Lord” a huge multi-trillion dollar check courtesy of the American taxpayer – if HE promises to give Ben back his once full head of hair.

Science will finally solve one of the most perplexing mysteries of the universe. A team of Swiss scientists will discover that humans evolved not from apes, but from a higher form of cheese.

In Washington, a commemorative, thirty-foot high likeness of George Bush will be erected in Washington DC’s Constitutional Gardens. The sculpture, made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite target of the Garden’s millions of pigeons.

Many Americans will start to wake up in 2010 only to realize that things really suck in the US and that Barack Obama is not the second coming – and that US leaders, through their insatiable greed and lust, are totally responsible for the knee-deep pile of economic poo the US now finds itself in.

Congress will re-institute the draft using Facebook.

In keeping with the recent peace prize selection of Barack Obama in 2009, the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded to peace loving Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Disappointed runner-up Robert Mugabe will console himself with the only thing that makes him feel truly alive – human-rights violations, torture and censorship. In the new posthumous category, the Peace Prize will be awarded to the Emperor Caligula.

A state of emergency will be declared when giant, radioactive ferrets attack Washington. (And they say I don’t take chances with my psychic predictions).

In 2010, Hollywood will see even more remakes of successful old movies. In yet another sequel to the Wizard of Oz, has-been action stars Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis will team up to star in the block buster sequel, a war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”

And finally in 2010, Barack Obama will announce the largest make-work project in the history of earth. Starting in 2010, the US will begin tearing down the Rocky Mountains and move them to Florida for the many ski enthusiasts in the Sunshine State. The project should cost several hundred trillion dollars and create full employment for the next six thousand years.

In closing, even though the year ahead does not look too promising, take heart and always remember to follow your dreams, (except for that one where you’re at work in your underwear).

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass

 …it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”