Armageddon May Not Be Suitable for Minors

By Timo Cerantola 

IN the last, dark days of man… IN a world ruled by fear and hate… there comes a ragtag renegade group of war-loving, bible thumping Americans led by Jesus himself.

The final battle between good and evil is on and all hell is about to break loose! Get ready for destruction. Get ready for mayhem. Get ready for blood. Get ready for Armageddon.  

(Armageddon is rated PG-14 for gratuitous scenes of extreme violence and wrathful smiting and may not be suitable for minors). 

This morning, as I scanned the TV dial, I could not resist viewing one particular religious program (and one preacher’s hairstyle, a style best described as ‘hairmageddon’).

I listened briefly as this wacky fundamentalist Christian minister ‘rejoiced’ for the end times – cheer-leading America and Israel’s righteous military might from his pulpit against the evil Iran.

“The ‘end times’ are upon us, praise Jesus.” He bellowed from his pulpit. Now send me money (my hairspray costs are through the roof). 

It is a perverse Christianity we have in America these days – a mixed-up amalgam consisting of Jesus, bigotry and atomic war. 

Like any true, decent, Jesus loving, God fearing Christians, this particular brand of crazies supports all manner of American and Israeli war mongering, torture, bombing, killing of innocent civilians and military interventions everywhere – including the use of nuclear weapons. Whatever it takes to get them to the Armageddon party – though oddly enough, they’re against terrorists and terrorism. Why? What’s the difference?

Oddly, Christianity’s religious zealots cannot see the irony when they accuse Islam’s religious zealots of inciting war and religious extremism. 

Is it not total hypocrisy when Christians encourage their political leaders to war – shouldn’t they be pushing for peace?

You know, all that ‘turn the other cheek’ stuff Jesus incessantly blabs on and on about in the New Testament?

There appears to be two completely, antithetical types of Christians. A peace loving, care for the sick, feed the poor group with their loving and forgiving Jesus. And, a nasty, bloodthirsty, Old Testament group with their wrathful god of smiting, thunderbolt tossing and pestilence – very heavy on the friggin’ swine flu type pestilence of late.

These must be the Christian soldiers. The one’s that believe if you pray hard enough, god will kill your enemies for you. Apparently, their god also accepts prayers for sporting victories too. As for any other religious consideration, perhaps we should sacrifice a virgin to it before it’s too late.

From my point of view, this “end times” business is nothing but a sleazy commercial enterprise that has produced far too many books, crooks, schmucks and, most recently, political leaders. Seriously, if these end times people really believe Armageddon is nearly upon us, why are they still so profit motivated?  

Why don’t they give away their books and tapes for free – or at least at cost?

Seriously, why can’t they, god’s own people, save our souls at cost?

If the world is going to end, what good is getting rich going to do them? 

Getting rich off of god is what most politically powerful Christians of political influence do best as they busily grease the wheels of America’s war machine from their television pulpits each day. These “Christians” gleefully encourage their government’s incessant war posturing, constitutional crack-downs on freedoms and overtures to future wars against anyone they brand with the “evil” label – not to mention, calling for the use of nukes against civilian populations and assassination of democratically elected foreign leaders if the mood strikes them. 

From a “Love Thy Neighbour” point of view, death and destruction hardly seem like a good way of promoting Jesus – but who said anything about THAT Jesus! That wimpy, peace-mongering, turn-the-other-cheek mama’s boy!  

These nutty Christian freaks speak of a different Jesus. They’re talking about that gun totting, grenade tossing, holy killing machine G.I. JESUS! Boo-yaw! He’s mean, he’s tough, he’s gonna kick your unholy butt!

If god is who they claim he is, I think he (?) it (?) is going to be really pissed off at their sickening rendition of Jesus the Christ and prince of peace. (He’s probably going to be pissed at me too for that holy killing machine remark, but that’s a story for another day). 

Of course, many Christian apologists will tell you the reason behind all this enthusiastic doomsday revelry and merriment is the second coming of Jesus – who will then rapture them away to some gated community in heaven; finally safe from all the pain and suffering in the world – much of which they, American Christian evangelicals, are responsible for through their blind support of a succession of warmongering American governments.  

After all, the “religious right” was the driving force behind twice-elected Saint Dubya, patron saint of illegal wars, torture and the radio-active, two-headed chicken. I wonder if the Armageddon kids feel let down, now that a kinder, gentler, war-mongerer is taking over in the White House?  

But don’t worry. You can start hitching up you’re Armageddon death wagons because America is getting ready to roll again – only this time America doesn’t even need the extra propaganda from you religious right wing nutbars.

Barack Obama, all by his one-sies, has threatened Iran if it does not comply with international monitoring of its nuclear sites – which, by the way, Iran has complied by voluntary declaration in accordance with the IAEA agreement a week prior to Obama’s silly, baseless, threats.

I know, I know, you’re confused. Obama and his NATO posse have portrayed all this nuclear stuff as a nefarious, covert deception on Iran’s part. Qom, the facility in question (which is not a weapons plant) is still under construction and Iran has declared the plant in a timely fashion in accordance with the international agreement.

So, if you want to draw any solid conclusions here when it comes to international law, I recommend you conclude that the US and its NATO allies are full of sh… (er, insert proper foul language here).

Ironically, Obama also issued this statement. “Iran is breaking rules that all nations must follow.”

Of course when confronted with such a statement, one can only conclude that Obama has forgotten to take his medication, as you see, Obama’s own nation continues to break the rules that all nations must follow as it is currently engaged in several illegal wars/occupations.

Gee, and I thought Obama was for peace. Obviously, he’s changed his tune again. He must have a really sore ass from all that flipflopping! End.

 

”War doesn’t determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.” Unknown.

Save the World, Marry a Geek!

By Timo Cerantola

Today’s topic is ‘idiots’ and, how women have it within their power to stop them.

Have you ever wondered why our planet is in such a chaotic state?

I blame our problems mostly on idiots. Idiots in politics, idiots on the stock market, idiots at the Pentagon, warmongering idiots, religious idiots, humor writing idiots, village idiots and, perhaps worst of all, weapons of mass destruction idiots!

Seriously, it seems that no matter where you go on this planet, there’s always some idiot there to screw things up. I’m serious, think about all the idiots we’ve had in politics. I’ll name two, George Bush and everyone that ever voted for him; you can make out your own list.

Fortunately, for humankind, we have many highly intelligent nerds working in genetic engineering trying to isolate and eliminate the idiot gene.

At this very moment, thousands of super-geeky geneticists are feverishly working on ways of developing more intelligent human beings like themselves. Seriously, if they find a way of splicing a ‘good dancer’ gene into earth’s nerd population, this planet might stand a chance of making it into the 22^nd century. Had these nerdy scientists themselves been good dancers, they would have spent more time dating, thus more first hand gene pool experience and in turn, far more intelligent humans than we have today.

Personally, I blame most of our “idiot” problem on women. Now ladies, don’t get upset until you hear me out.

If you’re out on a date, and the guy you’re with starts off by saying, “Baby, one day I’m gonna take over the world!” This should tip you off to the fact that you are in the presence of a total, honest-to-goodness IDIOT (who may one day be responsible for the destruction of our fragile planet). Please, do humanity a favor and drop him right then and there.

I know, it’s that maternal, nurturing instinct of yours. You likely feel sorry for that lost cause or hopeless fool. (Heck, someone even married me).  Still, I’d bet if you women merely stopped dating politicians, weapon systems developers and professional wrestling fans, you’d clear up half of our “idiot problem” right there.

Remember, the sure way to stop an idiot is to make sure his idiot father never gets a date.

Now as I see it, there is really only one type of idiot that is impossible to eliminate – that being a good-looking idiot like Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt. Sadly, my daughters swoon at the mention of these guys.  So, it’s fair to say that idiots who fall into the “nice hair, buns of steel” category, by most women’s scorecards, get a free buy into the next genetic round.

So it’s clear to see that women are just not doing the job when it comes to evolving the human species. Let’s face it ladies, you can’t count on men when it comes to natural selection. Men are such total dorks when it comes to sex (not that we’re much smarter with regard to anything else).

Anyways, if you haven’t noticed, the global idiot population is on the rise and, for reasons that defy explanation, many of these idiots have somehow managed to get themselves into positions of power and leadership. We are in serious trouble here. I’m amazed we haven’t already blown ourselves to smithereens.

Think about it; North Korea’s fearless leader Kim Jong Il, an idiot, likes to play big cheese military powerhouse with nuclear weapons of mass destruction. Meanwhile, back at the Pentagon (the largest collection of idiots known to man), they stupidly believe this egotistical bluster and think that bombing the hell out of North Korea (with weapons of mass destruction) is the solution to the problem. The point is, aren’t we trying to avoid mass destruction here? You idiots!

Had only Kim Jong’s parent’s (Fred and Marge) known they’d conceive a total idiot of a son who would turn into a megalomaniac and likely end up destroying his own country, perhaps they would have adopted or chosen a pet instead.

So it’s obvious to me that women have the most important role when it comes to the outcome of humanity. Rather than feeling sorry for some lost cause, hapless nitwit or maniacal demigod, women should control their nurturing instincts.

Think about it ladies; remember when (insert your idiot husband’s name here) asked you to the school dance 25 years ago?

Remember, you said yes because you felt sorry for the dweeb?

Well now look at the mess you’re in!

You would think that over time, evolution would weed out the idiots, but Darwin’s natural selection theory falls short here because Darwin never took into account a woman’s nurturing instincts and the “pity” factor. Anyway, to all you single women (and last line of defense for humanity) out there, if you want to help your species survive into the next millennia, repeat after me…

“I’m sorry Homer, but I think I’ll stay home tonight and watch “America’s Next Pinhead to be Humiliated on National TV” instead of going to the pig wrestling/monster truck tractor pull with you.”

But no, you probably wont listen. Off you’ll go with Homer, hoping to find some redeemable quality in the guy – and before you know it, there you are married, with nine dumb kids, driving a rusty old pick-up truck, weapons of mass destruction in the garage and five broken down cars parked on your front lawn. Don’t say I never warned you.