January 13, 2010

It’s so cold out there, I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant!

By Timo Cerantola 

I watched in disgust as our TV weatherman gleefully described the frigid cold weather we’ve been having. For some reason, Canadians (except for this one) take a rather bizarre, if not peculiar sort of pride in ourr cold weather. 

“It is a very, very cold minus -23 below zero outside…” the smiling weatherman chirped with a perverse cheeriness in his voice. “…and, when I factor in the wind-chill, it feels more like minus -47 degrees.” 

Funny, after telling everyone how brutally cold it is, Canadians like to add insult to injury by factoring in the “wind-chill” – which is cold temperatures combined with a nasty frigid wind that makes it feel even colder than what the thermometer would indicate. 

Imagine, it’s minus -23 below zero and I haven’t factored in my wind-chill. And I call myself a Canadian. I should be ashamed. What kind of a sloppy, absent-minded Canuck forgets to add frozen insult to frosty injury?  

Again this morning, I watched yet another weather related news item on this recent arctic annoyance. People from way up in northern Ontario were actually bragging about their cold temperatures – one of whom, in minus -35 temperatures, was still wearing only a (open) jean jacket over a t-shirt. These numb skulls (forgive them, their brains were actually numb from the cold) were taunting the Toronto-based camera crew, suggesting that southern Ontario was for weather wimps.

“Here in Moosebutt (town motto: Colder than Pluto), we know what cold is – and this ain’t it! You Toronto weather wimps have no idea. Up here it gets so cold, your lungs will freeze up solid if you happen to burp and break wind at the same time!”  With the prideful way he spoke, you’d think that frostbite was prestigious. These northerners seemed to be under the impression that cold was a competition. I seriously wondered whether these morons had smashed their collective toboggan into a telephone pole before agreeing to the interview.  

Anyway, I have only one thing to say to my frosty northern compatriots… ‘Two minutes on power level four. That should thaw out your frozen brains. Put on your parkas for Pete’s sake. It’s as cold as hell out there. And I mean HELL. (Heck is for people that don’t believe in Gosh).

Suffice it to say, I’m not a winter person. Before my grandfather imigrated to this festival of slush a hundred or so years ago, he actually had a choice between this frozen slab of ice and rocks and the veritable tropical paradise of Australia. I’ll never understand why he chose Canada. Was it easier to spell?  

It’s not like the name ‘Canada’ sounds irresistibly inviting. Perhaps if Canada had been named something more descriptive like, ‘Freezyurassoffland’ – my grandfather would have chosen Australia instead, and right now I’d be writing something seriously goofy like, ‘G’Day mate. May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down’ – whatever the hell that means.  

True, winter surreptitiously pulls you in. It’s the lure of the Christmas holidays. In fact, a white blanket of snow on Christmas is somewhat romantic and can get you through the first part of winter relatively pain free. With the holidays and all that fluffy falling snow, those caressing sweet tones of our loved ones can be heard to say, “Oh look dear, it’s snowing outside! Isn’t it wonderful?”  

Of course by mid January, the sentiment changes quickly. It’s not fluffy or lovely anymore, it’s sickening! As for those loving, caressing tones, they’ve been replaced with a grumpy, gruff, “Hey, you! There’s another foot of that stinking awful snow out there! Get off the couch, grab your shovel and get to work! If I see another snowflake I’m going to go postal and strangle that damned weatherman!”

Indeed, once the holiday season is over, all that’s left is grumpy old lady winter and snow – which, not only has to be shoveled but, can turn driving into a hair-raising, scream like a little girl and lose-total-bladder-control scary adventure ride.

In weather like this, you have to be very careful driving. Of course, life is so much easier if you have four-wheel drive as it allows you to get stuck in more inaccessible places. The point is, please, everyone, drive safe. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather (not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car).

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, anyone who brags about living in the one of the coldest places on the planet has obviously forgotten to take his medication. It’s people like this who start the world believing that cold was invented in Canada – which got me to do some serious thinking about ‘cold.’ And so, I did a little research.

Naturally, to trace the invention of cold back to its roots and, to ensure the highest standards of journalistic accuracy, I went to a website called www.fartz.com. According to fartz, the Vikings invented cold.  

True. History suggests that it was the Viking “Erik” who discovered cold and quickly renamed himself, “Erik the Red” because “Erik the too damned cold” was too long and didn’t fit on his business card.  Of course, Erik’s discovery of cold wasn’t all bad, as it led to the invention of skiing, (not to mention the invention of the broken leg and the invention of the emergency ski patrol). 

Perhaps, the most famous of cold inventions is the snowball.

As usual, the Americans claim Abner Doubleday invented it in 1906 at Kittyhawk North Carolina but the real history books credit the Swedish brothers Orville and Wendel Farfevneugen. Apparently, after a major Scandinavian snowfall, the constantly quarrelling brothers could not find any rocks to throw at each other and were forced to make snow replicas.  

Oh well, the sad truth is, there’s not a lot you can say to defend this frozen Canadian slush heap in winter. And believe me, my fine and rugged northern friends, factoring in the wind chill isn’t going to impress anyone. Oh well, you know what they say; if you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

January 1, 2010

NostraTimus’ Predictions for 2010

By Tim Cerantola

Once again, it’s that time of year when we psychics types waste everybody’s time making bogus predictions for the coming new year.

True, I admit I am a little bit challenged in the psychic department (I’m zero for 470) but, if it’s any consolation, I do have regular psychotic episodes – and the word psychotic is right next to psychic in the dictionary.

OK, here it comes, next year’s news now. I can feel the psychic magic just a buzzin’ through my veins, hmmm…

For 2010 I foresee that in Pakistan (motto: “bomb our cities please”) we will see more unrest as Barack “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize” Obama continues dropping “peace makers” on that country – not to mention sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan to fight for peace, love and corporate profits.

In the sports world, golfer Tiger “most of my money I blew chasing women and getting drunk – the rest I wasted” Woods, will finally learn that growing old is inevitable – and that growing up is merely optional.

In 2010, a lasting peace will be reached – on the planet Glumgork. I wish I were there.

Despite money-man Tim Geitner’s optimistic economic outlook, the American dollar will continue losing ground against most board game currencies – dropping so far below the value of Monopoly money the Federal Reserve will be replaced by Milton Bradley.

In 2010, the “Decade of Greed” will finally come to an end (and a new decade of greed will begin).

Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs but enough about Congress – Hillary Clinton will continue to annoy people clear through to 2011.

In 2010, Jesus will return. So everybody, LOOK BUSY DOING GOOD!

Due to severe market upheaval, the Boogey Man, Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be laid-off. In an attempt for a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security. The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.

Continuing with George Bush’s economic program of ‘No greedy Wall Street bastard left behind’ – Barack Obama will open “Crazy Barack’s Discount Country” where he will begin to sell out the taxpayer and US public assets at incredibly low, low prices. “Want to buy a municipal water system cheap? We’ve got several marked down to move! How about a massive freeway system? We have so much stock, we just have to clear it out…”

An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. The aliens, upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshields washed by massive hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for the service, an endless stream of irate street side windshield washers will beat them senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.

Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings will go badly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will complain, “We know we said take us to your leader, …now, take us to someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”

In 2010, God will declare bankruptcy. In an effort to bailout the once considered, “to big to fail” Creator of the Universe, Ben “Mr. Dollars” Bernanke will cut “the Lord” a huge multi-trillion dollar check courtesy of the American taxpayer – if HE promises to give Ben back his once full head of hair.

Science will finally solve one of the most perplexing mysteries of the universe. A team of Swiss scientists will discover that humans evolved not from apes, but from a higher form of cheese.

In Washington, a commemorative, thirty-foot high likeness of George Bush will be erected in Washington DC’s Constitutional Gardens. The sculpture, made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite target of the Garden’s millions of pigeons.

Many Americans will start to wake up in 2010 only to realize that things really suck in the US and that Barack Obama is not the second coming – and that US leaders, through their insatiable greed and lust, are totally responsible for the knee-deep pile of economic poo the US now finds itself in.

Congress will re-institute the draft using Facebook.

In keeping with the recent peace prize selection of Barack Obama in 2009, the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded to peace loving Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Disappointed runner-up Robert Mugabe will console himself with the only thing that makes him feel truly alive – human-rights violations, torture and censorship. In the new posthumous category, the Peace Prize will be awarded to the Emperor Caligula.

A state of emergency will be declared when giant, radioactive ferrets attack Washington. (And they say I don’t take chances with my psychic predictions).

In 2010, Hollywood will see even more remakes of successful old movies. In yet another sequel to the Wizard of Oz, has-been action stars Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis will team up to star in the block buster sequel, a war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”

And finally in 2010, Barack Obama will announce the largest make-work project in the history of earth. Starting in 2010, the US will begin tearing down the Rocky Mountains and move them to Florida for the many ski enthusiasts in the Sunshine State. The project should cost several hundred trillion dollars and create full employment for the next six thousand years.

In closing, even though the year ahead does not look too promising, take heart and always remember to follow your dreams, (except for that one where you’re at work in your underwear).

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass

 …it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”