If you are among the many that worry about making ends meet, I believe I can help. For you see, I am a superhero of sorts. I am ‘El Cheapo – the cheapest man in the universe.’
For decades now, my parsimonious ways have achieved legendary status among my friends and family. I have earned my ‘el cheapo, man of thrift’ reputation and founded a life changing, penny-pinching philosophy known as “Budgetarianism.”
So, read on young grasshopper so that I may enlighten you and help you achieve proper balance. I will now impart the secret to financial happiness.
Similar to the Eastern traditions of Buddhism, Budgetarian enlightenment also contains four noble truths:
1. Suffering is inevitable.
2. Macaroni and Cheese Dinner eases suffering.
3. Further suffering will ensue if you eat too much Macaroni and Cheese
4. Even if you’re having roast beef, your kids will probably prefer mac and cheese anyways.
Now the budgetarian lifestyle is very similar to a vegetarian lifestyle, although vegetarians intentionally omit meat from their diet, whereas budgetarians omit meat to attain economic stability. But either way you look at it, both vegetarians and budgetarians can be considered “barn-yard friendly.”
Indeed, the budgetarian diet, though similar to that of his cousin the vegetarian, does, occasionally, include meat; but that’s only because the most cunning and clever of budgetarians have created a vast array of ambiguous pseudo-meat mutations such as spam, baloney, tofurkey, veggie dogs (not-dogs) and veggie burgers (shamburgers) all designed for those with limited grocery dollars.
Other mock-meat substitutes such as meatloaf are excellent examples of frugality at its finest. Containing only trace amounts of ‘moo’ and vast quantities of vegetables, breadcrumbs and, I’ve often suspected, lint from the clothes dryer.
Needless to say, this tasty low-cost “loaf” will easily qualify as an edible non-toxic by most federal food agencies though I recommend dousing these “edible substances” with copious amounts of ketchup or hot sauce as it may be necessary to avoid any taste seepage.
*Note: budgetarian meatloaf is very high in polyester, a very important budgetarian fiber.
Do budgetarians ever have fun you ask?
Well, they do. In fact, budgetarians have loads of fun.
For entertainment, budgetarians borrow DVD’s from their local library. Granted, the titles available may not be among the most contemporary favourites but, older classics such as “Surf Nazi’s Must Die” or Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Hercules in New York” are readily available.
The library also offers a vast selection of educational titles such as National Geographic’s “Wonderful World of Lichen.” (spoiler alert) Lichens are symbiotic associations of a fungus (the mycobiont) with a photosynthetic partner (the photobiont also known as the phycobiont) that can produce food for the lichen from sunlight.
Outdoor budgetarian activities may include tree watching. Tree watching is very similar to bird watching only the expense of binoculars is eliminated as most trees will allow you to get up quite close. But remember, the best things in life are free, like air!
That’s right air (now fortified with greenhouse gas). It’s free, it’s fun and it comes in assorted smokey flavours. Breathe in as much as you like. Go outside and make a lung-sucking pig of yourself.
As you might imagine, grocery coupons play a very important role in the life of a budgetarian. Besides doubling as reading material and therefore entertainment, the grocery coupon also holds monetary value. A stack of grocery coupons can also make your wallet appear quite thick and impressive.
Speaking of thick and impressive, sex is a fine budgetarian activity – as long as you’re only practicing. Ah yes, while all the rich couples are out impressing each other and lusting after each others possessions, budgetarians are forced to remain at home and lust after each other. This is good for the marriage. And remember, divorce is very expensive. Divorce is not good for anyone, especially budgetarians.
Finally, you may ask, Tim, budgetarian Guru of the 37th degree and penurious keeper of the holy underwear of 1977, what is the secret to true financial happiness?
Well my young grasshopper, if you have any budgetarian friends, especially friends whose surname happens to be ‘Jones’ – you must invite them over for the evening. For if their name is Jones and they are true budgetarians, it will be so much easier to keep up with the Jones’.
As for anyone out there approaching financial doomsday, ha, ha, ha! You can now laugh in the face of the inevitable economic reckoning knowing that with superior planning and some helpful tips from a qualified budgetarian master, you too can live a full and relatively money-free life.