Armageddon May Not Be Suitable for Minors

by tim cerantola

IN the last, dark days of man… IN a world ruled by fear and hate… there comes a ragtag renegade group of war-loving, bible thumping Americans led by Jesus himself. The final battle between good and evil is on and all hell is about to break loose! Get ready for destruction. Get ready for mayhem. Get ready for blood. Get ready for Armageddon.

(Armageddon is rated PG-14 for gratuitous scenes of extreme violence and wrathful smiting and may not be suitable for minors).

This morning, as I scanned the TV dial, I could not resist viewing one particular religious program (and one preacher’s hairstyle, a style best described as ‘hairmageddon’).

I listened briefly as this wacky fundamentalist Christian minister ‘rejoiced’ for the end times – cheer-leading America and Israel’s righteous military might from his pulpit against the evil Iran.

“The ‘end times’ are upon us, praise Jesus.” He bellowed from his pulpit. Now send me money (my hairspray costs are through the roof).

It is a perverse Christianity we have in America these days – a mixed-up amalgam consisting of Jesus, bigotry and atomic war.

Like any true, decent, Jesus loving, God fearing Christians, this particular brand of crazies supports all manner of American and Israeli war mongering, torture, bombing, killing of innocent civilians and military interventions everywhere – including the use of nuclear weapons. Whatever it takes to get them to the Armageddon party – though oddly enough, they’re against terrorists and terrorism. Why? What’s the difference?

Oddly, Christianity’s religious zealots cannot see the irony when they accuse Islam’s religious zealots of inciting war and religious extremism.

Is it not total hypocrisy when Christians encourage their political leaders to war – shouldn’t they be pushing for peace?

You know, all that ‘turn the other cheek’ stuff Jesus incessantly blabs on and on about in the New Testament?

There appears to be two completely, antithetical types of Christians. A peace loving, care for the sick, feed the poor group with their loving and forgiving Jesus. And, a nasty, bloodthirsty, Old Testament group with their wrathful god of smiting, thunderbolt tossing and pestilence – very heavy on the friggin’ swine flu type pestilence of late.

These must be the Christian soldiers. The one’s that believe if you pray hard enough, god will kill your enemies for you. Apparently, their god also accepts prayers for sporting victories too. As for any other religious consideration, perhaps we should sacrifice a virgin to it before it’s too late.

From my point of view, this “end times” business is nothing but a sleazy commercial enterprise that has produced far too many books, crooks, schmucks and, most recently, political leaders. Seriously, if these end times people really believe Armageddon is nearly upon us, why are they still so profit motivated?

Why don’t they give away their books and tapes for free – or at least at cost?

Seriously, why can’t they, god’s people, save our souls at cost?

If the world is going to end, what good is getting rich going to do them?

Getting rich off of god’s name is what most politically powerful Christians of political influence do best, as they busily grease the wheels of America’s war machine from their television pulpits each day. These “Christians” gleefully encourage their government’s incessant war posturing, constitutional crack-downs on freedoms and overtures to future wars against anyone they brand with the “evil” label – not to mention, calling for the use of nukes against civilian populations and assassination of democratically elected foreign leaders if the mood strikes them.

From a “Love Thy Neighbour” point of view, death and destruction hardly seem like a good way of promoting Jesus – but who said anything about THAT Jesus! That wimpy, peace-mongering, turn-the-other-cheek mama’s boy!

These nutty Christian freaks speak of a different Jesus. They’re talking about that gun totting, grenade tossing, holy killing machine G.I. JESUS! Boo-yaw! He’s mean, he’s tough, he’s gonna kick your unholy butt!

If god is who they claim he is, I think he, it (?) is going to be really pissed off at their sickening rendition of Jesus the Christ and prince of peace. (He’s probably going to be pissed at me too for that holy killing machine remark, but that’s a story for another day).

Of course, many Christian apologists will tell you the reason behind all this enthusiastic doomsday revelry and merriment is the second coming of Jesus – who will then rapture them away to some gated community in heaven; finally safe from all the pain and suffering in the world – much of which they, American Christian evangelicals, are responsible for through their blind support of a succession of warmongering American governments.

After all, the “religious right” was the driving force behind twice-elected Saint Dubya, patron saint of illegal wars, torture and the radio-active, two-headed chicken. I wonder if the Armageddon kids feel let down, now that a kinder, gentler, war-mongerer is taking over in the White House?

But don’t worry America. Start hitching up you’re Armageddon war and death wagons because America is getting ready to roll again – only this time America doesn’t even need the extra propaganda from you religious right wing nutbars.

Barack Obama, all by his one-sies, has threatened Iran with severe sanctions if it does not comply with international monitoring of its nuclear sites – which, by the way, Iran has already complied in accordance with the IAEA agreement. I know, I know, you’re confused.

Obama and his NATO posse have portrayed all this Iranian nuke stuff as a nefarious deception on Iran’s part. However, the nuclear facilities in question, according to the IAEA, are not weapons plants and have been declared in a timely fashion in accordance with the international agreement. So, if you want to draw any solid conclusions here when it comes to international law, I recommend you conclude that the US and its NATO allies are full of sh… (er, insert proper foul language here).

Ironically, Obama also issued this statement. “Iran is breaking rules that all nations must follow.”

Of course when confronted with such a statement, one can only conclude that Obama has forgotten to take his medication, as you see, Obama’s own nation continues to break the rules that all nations must follow as it is currently engaged in several illegal wars and occupations.

Gee, and I thought Obama was for world peace. Obviously, he’s changed his mind again. He must have a really sore ass from all that flipflopping!

”War doesn’t determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.” Unknown.

NostraTimus’ Predictions for 2010

By Tim Cerantola

Once again, it’s that time of year when we psychics types waste everybody’s time making bogus predictions for the coming new year.

True, I admit I am a little bit challenged in the psychic department (I’m zero for 470) but, if it’s any consolation, I do have regular psychotic episodes – and the word psychotic is right next to psychic in the dictionary.

OK, here it comes, next year’s news now. I can feel the psychic magic just a buzzin’ through my veins, hmmm…

For 2010 I foresee that in Pakistan (motto: “bomb our cities please”) we will see more unrest as Barack “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize” Obama continues dropping “peace makers” on that country – not to mention sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan to fight for peace, love and corporate profits.

In the sports world, golfer Tiger “most of my money I blew chasing women and getting drunk – the rest I wasted” Woods, will finally learn that growing old is inevitable – and that growing up is merely optional.

In 2010, a lasting peace will be reached – on the planet Glumgork. I wish I were there.

Despite money-man Tim Geitner’s optimistic economic outlook, the American dollar will continue losing ground against most board game currencies – dropping so far below the value of Monopoly money the Federal Reserve will be replaced by Milton Bradley.

In 2010, the “Decade of Greed” will finally come to an end (and a new decade of greed will begin).

Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs but enough about Congress – Hillary Clinton will continue to annoy people clear through to 2011.

In 2010, Jesus will return. So everybody, LOOK BUSY DOING GOOD!

Due to severe market upheaval, the Boogey Man, Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be laid-off. In an attempt for a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security. The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.

Continuing with George Bush’s economic program of ‘No greedy Wall Street bastard left behind’ – Barack Obama will open “Crazy Barack’s Discount Country” where he will begin to sell out the taxpayer and US public assets at incredibly low, low prices. “Want to buy a municipal water system cheap? We’ve got several marked down to move! How about a massive freeway system? We have so much stock, we just have to clear it out…”

An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. The aliens, upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshields washed by massive hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for the service, an endless stream of irate street side windshield washers will beat them senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.

Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings will go badly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will complain, “We know we said take us to your leader, …now, take us to someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”

In 2010, God will declare bankruptcy. In an effort to bailout the once considered, “to big to fail” Creator of the Universe, Ben “Mr. Dollars” Bernanke will cut “the Lord” a huge multi-trillion dollar check courtesy of the American taxpayer – if HE promises to give Ben back his once full head of hair.

Science will finally solve one of the most perplexing mysteries of the universe. A team of Swiss scientists will discover that humans evolved not from apes, but from a higher form of cheese.

In Washington, a commemorative, thirty-foot high likeness of George Bush will be erected in Washington DC’s Constitutional Gardens. The sculpture, made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite target of the Garden’s millions of pigeons.

Many Americans will start to wake up in 2010 only to realize that things really suck in the US and that Barack Obama is not the second coming – and that US leaders, through their insatiable greed and lust, are totally responsible for the knee-deep pile of economic poo the US now finds itself in.

Congress will re-institute the draft using Facebook.

In keeping with the recent peace prize selection of Barack Obama in 2009, the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded to peace loving Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Disappointed runner-up Robert Mugabe will console himself with the only thing that makes him feel truly alive – human-rights violations, torture and censorship. In the new posthumous category, the Peace Prize will be awarded to the Emperor Caligula.

A state of emergency will be declared when giant, radioactive ferrets attack Washington. (And they say I don’t take chances with my psychic predictions).

In 2010, Hollywood will see even more remakes of successful old movies. In yet another sequel to the Wizard of Oz, has-been action stars Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis will team up to star in the block buster sequel, a war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”

And finally in 2010, Barack Obama will announce the largest make-work project in the history of earth. Starting in 2010, the US will begin tearing down the Rocky Mountains and move them to Florida for the many ski enthusiasts in the Sunshine State. The project should cost several hundred trillion dollars and create full employment for the next six thousand years.

In closing, even though the year ahead does not look too promising, take heart and always remember to follow your dreams, (except for that one where you’re at work in your underwear).

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass

 …it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”

Save the World, Marry a Geek!

By Timo Cerantola

Today’s topic is ‘idiots’ and, how women have it within their power to stop them.

Have you ever wondered why our planet is in such a chaotic state?

I blame our problems mostly on idiots. Idiots in politics, idiots on the stock market, idiots at the Pentagon, warmongering idiots, religious idiots, humor writing idiots, village idiots and, perhaps worst of all, weapons of mass destruction idiots!

Seriously, it seems that no matter where you go on this planet, there’s always some idiot there to screw things up. I’m serious, think about all the idiots we’ve had in politics. I’ll name two, George Bush and everyone that ever voted for him; you can make out your own list.

Fortunately, for humankind, we have many highly intelligent nerds working in genetic engineering trying to isolate and eliminate the idiot gene.

At this very moment, thousands of super-geeky geneticists are feverishly working on ways of developing more intelligent human beings like themselves. Seriously, if they find a way of splicing a ‘good dancer’ gene into earth’s nerd population, this planet might stand a chance of making it into the 22^nd century. Had these nerdy scientists themselves been good dancers, they would have spent more time dating, thus more first hand gene pool experience and in turn, far more intelligent humans than we have today.

Personally, I blame most of our “idiot” problem on women. Now ladies, don’t get upset until you hear me out.

If you’re out on a date, and the guy you’re with starts off by saying, “Baby, one day I’m gonna take over the world!” This should tip you off to the fact that you are in the presence of a total, honest-to-goodness IDIOT (who may one day be responsible for the destruction of our fragile planet). Please, do humanity a favor and drop him right then and there.

I know, it’s that maternal, nurturing instinct of yours. You likely feel sorry for that lost cause or hopeless fool. (Heck, someone even married me).  Still, I’d bet if you women merely stopped dating politicians, weapon systems developers and professional wrestling fans, you’d clear up half of our “idiot problem” right there.

Remember, the sure way to stop an idiot is to make sure his idiot father never gets a date.

Now as I see it, there is really only one type of idiot that is impossible to eliminate – that being a good-looking idiot like Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt. Sadly, my daughters swoon at the mention of these guys.  So, it’s fair to say that idiots who fall into the “nice hair, buns of steel” category, by most women’s scorecards, get a free buy into the next genetic round.

So it’s clear to see that women are just not doing the job when it comes to evolving the human species. Let’s face it ladies, you can’t count on men when it comes to natural selection. Men are such total dorks when it comes to sex (not that we’re much smarter with regard to anything else).

Anyways, if you haven’t noticed, the global idiot population is on the rise and, for reasons that defy explanation, many of these idiots have somehow managed to get themselves into positions of power and leadership. We are in serious trouble here. I’m amazed we haven’t already blown ourselves to smithereens.

Think about it; North Korea’s fearless leader Kim Jong Il, an idiot, likes to play big cheese military powerhouse with nuclear weapons of mass destruction. Meanwhile, back at the Pentagon (the largest collection of idiots known to man), they stupidly believe this egotistical bluster and think that bombing the hell out of North Korea (with weapons of mass destruction) is the solution to the problem. The point is, aren’t we trying to avoid mass destruction here? You idiots!

Had only Kim Jong’s parent’s (Fred and Marge) known they’d conceive a total idiot of a son who would turn into a megalomaniac and likely end up destroying his own country, perhaps they would have adopted or chosen a pet instead.

So it’s obvious to me that women have the most important role when it comes to the outcome of humanity. Rather than feeling sorry for some lost cause, hapless nitwit or maniacal demigod, women should control their nurturing instincts.

Think about it ladies; remember when (insert your idiot husband’s name here) asked you to the school dance 25 years ago?

Remember, you said yes because you felt sorry for the dweeb?

Well now look at the mess you’re in!

You would think that over time, evolution would weed out the idiots, but Darwin’s natural selection theory falls short here because Darwin never took into account a woman’s nurturing instincts and the “pity” factor. Anyway, to all you single women (and last line of defense for humanity) out there, if you want to help your species survive into the next millennia, repeat after me…

“I’m sorry Homer, but I think I’ll stay home tonight and watch “America’s Next Pinhead to be Humiliated on National TV” instead of going to the pig wrestling/monster truck tractor pull with you.”

But no, you probably wont listen. Off you’ll go with Homer, hoping to find some redeemable quality in the guy – and before you know it, there you are married, with nine dumb kids, driving a rusty old pick-up truck, weapons of mass destruction in the garage and five broken down cars parked on your front lawn. Don’t say I never warned you.

It’s the Apocalypse Baby! Let the Fat Lady Sing

By Timo Cerantola

The end of the world is coming very, very soon. I know this because it’s almost the year 2012 and besides, it was written right on the front page of a very popular supermarket tabloid.

True, the headline was very precise. “The end of the world is coming December 23, 2012 – at midnight.” I wonder, is that Eastern Standard Time? (Check your local listings for your end of the world).

Anyway, I’m now convinced that it’s almost the end of the world. Hey, that’s what it said right on the front page, in big bold letters – just below the picture of Pedro, the chicken juggling goat boy from Argentina.

Lately, I’ve noticed that some of those TV evangelists have jumped on the 2012 doom and gloom bandwagon. I guess they were pretty disappointed when Y2K Doomsday 2000 never happened. But now, in view of very reliable, almost undeniable proof, they’re hitching their religious death wagons to the Mayan Calendar event instead. Indeed. They’d hate to miss out on any chance of global destruction. I guess god must be pretty pissed-off.

Mind you, it is a very thoughtful god who gives exact dates and times for global demolition. That way, his believers will know when to get ready to bite the big cookie. Really, only a nice god would be so precise and punctual about ending the world. But that’s god for you – caring, capable, skilful. He was very creative as a child you know.

As I see it, there are some huge advantages to having a specific date on which to end the world. Think about it, if the end were to come on some random date and time like August 26th, 2023 at 1:42 pm – it would surprise the living crap out of everyone. I know that if I were a follower of that particular death cult, I’d be really ticked. I wouldn’t be prepared. I probably wouldn’t be wearing clean underwear. My mother always warned me to wear clean underwear just in case of emergency – not that they’d be clean for very long if the world were exploding.

Anyways, I’ve often wondered how humankind’s collective demise would occur. Will our sun go nova; another flood; or maybe a giant asteroid will crash into the earth and smash our world into a billion, trillion bits that will float freely and die in the frigid airless vacuum of space? Ouch!

My personal favourite end of the world scenario has always been alien invasion. I guess all those Star Trek repeats really messed up my brain. Still, the idea of multi-tentacled, one-eyed space aliens zapping humanity into mammal dust has always appealed to my pessimistic side.

Now if you’ve ever read what the most famous psychics have to say about the end of the world, you’ll find that many of them have also picked the year 2012 for mankind to collectively take a dirt nap.

The famed psychic, Edgar Cayce, hinted that Armageddon would be upon us early in the twenty first century. Cayce was known as “the sleeping prophet” because his prediction methodology involved weird, otherworldly sleepy trances. Edgar needed to get all dozy and woozy before he could spout off his brand of doom and gloom. Hey, it’s a living!

It must have been a great paying gig. I should try to do the same thing and bill myself as the Amazing Timo, the Sleepy Psychic Guy.’ Hey, I often slip into sleepy trances too – but only when I watch TV. Of course I just pass out and snore. No gloom. No doom. No end of the world – just this big snorkley sound emanating from my honker.

Another famous psychic Michel de Nostredame or Nostradamus, also predicted troubled times early in the 21st century – that is if you can decipher his convoluted quatrains; For centuries, his famous rhyming predictions have been meticulously translated by experts (with too much time on their hands and not enough brain cells in their heads) to be an accurate forecast of future events.

Imagine if in a few hundred years from now, charlatans try the same scam with the children’s book, “Green Eggs and Ham.” Our naïve future descendents riveted to their seats in white-knuckled terror as they read the ancient apocalyptic warnings from the great 20th century psychic, Dr. Seuss…

“I will not eat them with a mouse.

I will not eat them in a house.

I will not eat them here or there.

I will not eat them anywhere.

I do not eat green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.”

Of course, the experts of the future will agree that Dr. Seuss was referring to a future invasion of the evil and sadistic rhyming “Who People” that release a radioactive plague on an unsuspecting human race that turns everything green.

In the unlikely event that the many psychics are right about the year 2012 and there is a god who would do such a thing, that god is in position for the best practical joke of all time. Instead of ending it all at the stroke of midnight, he should wait a few extra minutes, just long enough for us to open our eyes and remove our fingers from our ears.

Then, while we’re all rejoicing and dancing in the streets thinking it’s not the end after all… KABOOM!!! End of the World. What a laugh. That God. What a card!

But just in case, all smugness aside. If on December 23, 2012 at 11:59 pm you should happen to see an inordinate number of fat ladies out on the streets singing their lungs out. It might be advisable to put your head between your knees and kiss your backside good-bye. Because as they say, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings – and I’d put my money on the fat lady over any Mayan Calendar, Nostradamus, Sleepy Prophet Guy or god.

Earth Invaded by Evil, Bug-Eyed Space Aliens. Run for your lives!

Make room for Martians…
By Timo Cerantola

According to NASA’s Phoenix Mars Lander, there is water on Mars; and not just signs of water that existed there billions of years ago, but water, H2O, today, now.

Yes, that precious substance of life that we humans like to spray all over our golf courses, flush down our toilets and pollute with toxic chemicals, not to mention avoid drinking eight glasses a day of – has been found on another planet.

This is a pretty important discovery because access to water would be imperative to any future manned missions to Mars. Plus, water on Mars reinforces any theory of life elsewhere in the universe. So, it’s only a matter of time before someone declares alien, non-terrestrial life a reality.

Now if you’re like me, and listen to too much of that spooky late night talk radio; you’ll know that most “Ufologists” (that’s what they call you when you spend too much time thinking about aliens and watching Star Trek reruns) have already jumped the gun when it comes to non-terrestrial alien life.

Ufologists will have you believe the universe is bursting at the seams with all kinds of weird alien creatures that are intelligent, friendly and willing to lend a hand, tentacle or slimy, claw-like protrusion to help we Earthlings solve our many self-inflicted problems.

Of course our trusty, corporate bootlicking, mainstream media prefer we live in a climate of fear; hence a different kind of alien is portrayed. Far from the harmless, lovable, ET phone-home variety that children want to cuddle, the mainstream media paint a picture of dark, sinister, malevolent beings that lurk in the shadows, waiting for an opportunity to perform sadistic genetic experiments (which includes an inordinate, if not ridiculous amount of anal probing) on an unsuspecting human population.

Imagine, highly evolved, technically superior aliens traveling light years just to look up our butts. In my book, that’s just way too curious.

My point is, we should all get ready because I suspect our not so trusty media is presently readying headlines that will read something like, ‘Earth invaded by evil, killer, bug-eyed space devils. Run for your lives! (But first, a message from our sponsor and a new comprehensive home and life insurance package that includes alien invasion coverage for a nominal fee).’

As for science, most scientists are afraid to even talk about the UFO phenomenon for fear of reducing their credibility to the level of cartoons. So instead, we routinely hear scientists pontificate that even if there is intelligent life in the universe, the likelihood of meeting them is zero because traveling the thousands of light years that separate us is scientifically impossible. Sadly, human science in all its arrogance, likes to limit an infinite universe and all of its vast potential to our present level of knowledge and understanding.

As for me personally, though I have always hoped, I have never actually seen strange flashing lights in the sky. No, sadly, the only strange flashing lights I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing were in Disco’s during the late 70’s.

Now, if we can suspend present day scientific theory for a minute and, for the sake of argument and entertainment, let’s suppose aliens are real and they are visiting Earth – why do so many people assume the aliens would want to contact Washington first?

Is it because any well-bred space alien with half-decent manners would want an official presidential ‘okey dokey’ to have a look around?

Well, hold on just a couple of light-year folks. Why would an advanced alien race need to ask anyone’s permission to have a look around earth?

To put this into perspective, I will use my ‘Humans and the Ants Analogy’ because I think humans are marginally smarter than ants and, I’ve had a few of both in my kitchen this summer.

Think about it. If you were to discover a large anthill crawling with ant life, would you ask to see the head ant first before having a look around?

Probably not! Why would you care?

I assume it is the same way with aliens and humans.

Seriously, try to look at it from the intellectually superior alien perspective. You’ve just arrived on Earth in an advanced space vehicle so complex that these inferior, Spam-for-brains humans wouldn’t even know how to flush the toilet in (if aliens even go to the bathroom).

You’re a tired alien. You’ve just traveled a pile of light years with a back seat full of noisy, yakity, impatient alien children who haven’t shut up since you passed Alpha Centauri.

Your helmet is uncomfortably hot. Your antennae are wet with perspiration and you’ve had to go to the bathroom for the last three light-years.

What you really want is a nice cool drink of that delightfully refreshing earth beverage Liquid Plumber – but instead, these arrogant, self-absorbed humans have other plans for you. They want you to waste all your time listening to no end of long-winded politicians waxing poetically about how both of our civilizations can learn from each other.

The point is, put your self in the alien’s shoes (if that’s even what aliens wear). Imagine how bored you would be with all those pompous, narcissistic bureaucrats with their stuffy, dull dinner parties and endless speeches – not to mention the constant background whine from the military begging you for your advanced technology to build better, more destructive weapons (for the purpose of world peace, love and the brotherhood of mankind).

No way! Not me! If I was an alien, and I just might be (I’ll ask my Mom, she’ll know), you’d find me on the beach or trying out some of the local food. Heck, if aliens are as advanced as we think they are, they’re going to fly right past Washington and head straight for Disney World. Now that’s an intelligent move. You can’t have a bad time at Disney.

Let’s face it; aliens don’t have to play by our rules. So be forewarned. It could be, that when the aliens finally get back to their home planet, their friends will ask them,

“So how was your Earth vacation? Did you have a nice time?”

“It was very nice.” The travel weary aliens will reply. “The music was great and the food was very delicious. We ate mostly Italian and Chinese, but the Canadians were very tasty too.” [End]

The Asshole Quiz: Are you one?

By Timo Cerantola

Am I an asshole?

Don’t answer that yet (though I think I know what your response will be).

It’s a question we all should ask ourselves for, at times we are all guilty of a little shameful if not disgraceful behaviour – though for some, it has become their life’s purpose, their modus-operandi if you will.

Indeed, in this selfish, greedy, dog-eat-dog world, the asshole population seems to be increasing exponentially – and not just on Wall Street with its many miscreant money traders or in the halls of government that overflow with a gangrenous, noxious filth that pretends at public service.

No, “the asshole” phenomenon now permeates society at every level – at work, school, church, the grocery store, drive-thru restaurants and, especially, whilst driving on the freeway.

And so, I have devised a quiz that will help you determine where the assholes are in your life and perhaps, determine what your friends and relatives have suspected about you for many years.

Remember, if you answer too many of these questions correctly; you are a prime candidate for membership in ARSE (Association of Repugnant Swine and Evil-bastards). This is nothing to be proud of.

Question #1.

You are driving in the passing lane on the freeway at 45 mph. Traffic is piling up behind you but hey, you can’t go any faster because you’re text messaging your wife, typing on your laptop, having a nice sip of your coffee latte supremo and picking your nose all at the same time. There you are, just cruising along the highway in all your macho splendour with your Global Positioning System bleeping out road directions and your stereo blaring WHEN, all of a sudden some impatient road weasel has the temerity to honk his horn at you, trying to get you to pull over so that he can pass. Do you…

a)   Get out your cell phone and call a buddy to set up a golf date.

b)   You’d like to help him out but you’re too busy doing everything but driving responsibly.

c)   Flip him “the bird.”

If you answered “c” you are an asshole – if you answered “a” – smooth move road warrior.

Question #2.

You are in a large department store when, over the public address system they announce a “blue light” half-price special on the toy “Mr. Poopy Bear” – a toy that you know your kid would kill for. Do you…

a) Immediately proceed to the sale area and courteously look for the end of the line, conducting yourself in a civilized manner.

b)   Dash to the sale area and quickly scoop up only a couple of the sale items so that others will also have a chance.

c)   You grab a football helmet and shoulder pads from the sports department and then, whilst running full speed with your head down and pushing your grocery cart, crash the line screaming “Move or die, road kill!” – and then proceed to empty the entire “poopy” display into your shopping cart.

If you answered “c” you are starting to exhibit some ‘back passage’ type behaviour.

Question #3.

You are out dining out at an all-you-can-eat food buffet, it is extremely busy and you’re not sure there will be enough food left for your seconds, thirds and fourths, do you…

a)   When confronted with only one dinner roll left on the buffet table, politely offer to split it with the next person in line.

b)   Fill your plate with a modest sampling of each of the many offerings so that others may have a chance.

c)   Defy the laws of gravity by piling food three and a half feet above your plate, grab an entire apple pie from the dessert tray and then stuff the remaining bread roll down your pants.

If you answered “c”, you must be an asshole. If you answered “a” – that’s almost creepy, you wuss. Congratulations. You’ve just been awarded the “Mama’s Boy” award for 2009.

Question #4.

You are in the grocery store and you have too many items for the “8 items or less” line, do you…

a)   Fair-mindedly move to the regular line because you have 14 items.

b)   Politely ask the cashier if you can sneak in an extra item or 6. Or…

c)   You throw your jacket over the 8 items or less sign and then pile a weeks worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.

If you answered “C” – even if you are someone’s grandma, you are in hemorrhoid territory.

Question #5.

An Alien spacecraft has landed in your backyard and you are the first human they encounter. In an attempt to promote intergalactic friendship, do you…

a) Offer them a refreshing earth beverage (they enjoy transmission fluid).

b) Raise your hand in a gesture of friendship and say, “Greetings and peace intergalactic traveler. Welcome to Earth!”

c) Tell them to get the hell off your lawn and start spraying them with your garden hose.

If you answered c, way to go. You’ve set intergalactic diplomacy back a few millennia asshole!

Question #6.

Whilst standing at the back of a long line up at a popular restaurant do you…

a)   Happily chat about the weather with the other people at the back of the line.

b)   Patiently and quietly wait while you read a book you brought for just such an occasion.

c)   To discourage other diners and secure a more favourable position in line, loudly discuss, in excruciating detail, the severe nauseating cramps and diarrhea you experienced last time you ate at this restaurant.

If you answered “c” – swift move butt plug.

Question #7.

You are in the cinema and the movie has just begun. This is the time when most people sit back and relax, but not you. Do you…

a)  Immediately start to talk with the person next to you and tell them what happens at the end of the movie.

b)  Decide you need a snack at that very moment, get up and disturb an entire row of people and leave to buy a meal sized snack which you will noisily chomp, snort and slurp on throughout the entire movie.

c)  Stand up and try to start “the Wave.”

If you answered a, b or c – that pretty much describes my last movie going experience you assholes.

Question #8.

When you are high up on the top floor balcony of an apartment or on an observation deck do you…

a)   Look to see if you can see your house from such a high vantage point.

b)   Break some seriously nasty wind and hope that no one notices.

c)   Check the wind speed and direction, and then try to see if you can spit on the people in the next town.

If you answered “c” cool move asshole. If you answered “b,” watch the fibre in your diet.

Question #9.

You’re at a company meeting in the boardroom. Your boss, a seriously fat-assed fifty-something banal incubus of a guy whose been going through a very wacky mid-life crisis walks into the Monday morning meeting sporting a new toupee, an earring and a tattoo that says “Pimpin”.

Do you…

a)   Start by sucking up to the boss with compliments about how natural his new toupee looks.

b)   Ask him if he’s lost weight.

c)   Offer to wash his car.

d)   Offer to lick his boots.

OK, a, b, c or d – no matter your answer, we’re all assholes in this situation. Hopefully we get to keep our jobs.

Finally,

Question #10.

You are out driving along the freeway when, all of a sudden, someone zooms passed you and flashes a silly “Ha ha, I passed you” grin at you as they fly by, do you…

a)   Slow down and cower in the slow lane and feeling impotent and ashamed.

b)   Ignore the silly road dork and continue singing along to the Broadway show tune playing on your stereo.

c)   Floor it until you pull in close behind them, tailing them so close they can see you mouth the words “DIE ROAD SCUM!” in their rear view mirror. Then, putting the pedal to the metal, you pull out on to the shoulder of the road kicking up voluminous quantities of dust and gravel and zoom past them at twice the legal limit whilst displaying your “special finger” – the one most associated with acrimony.

If you answered “c” you probably already know you are an asshole and you don’t care. Your membership to ARSE is in the mail.

~~~

Your score: Who gives a shit? It’s all about you anyway, isn’t it?

Kiss your butts good-bye!

By Timo Cerantola

According to many psychics, religious fundamentalists and doomsday enthusiasts (who are all, more or less, the same people), the Bible’s final battle between good and evil is now at hand.

In fact, these apocalyptic predictions are taken so seriously by so many, a highly profitable “end times” industry has emerged to feed this growing gullible audience – willing to pay for their daily dosage of doom and gloom in the form of books and dvd’s.

Granted, in view of recent world events, our collective demise doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch, especially when the fear-mongering corporate media cheers from the sidelines, selling endless wars, intolerance and hatred  along with their regular daily offerings of disaster, disease and pestilence.  Perhaps it’s only natural for a frightened public to feel threatened and expect the worst.

Still, despite all this marketing of doom and 2012 prophetic pretentiousness, as far as I’m concerned, any talk of the end of the world is nothing but mindless nonsense and Nostradamus is just a great name for a new sinus medication.

However, just in case I’m completely wrong and global annihilation is just around the corner, perhaps you should prepare yourselves with some end times knowledge by taking this apocalyptic quiz.

Question #1

1. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…

a) In 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan calendar.
b) When the “fat lady” sings.
c) When the Dow drops below 5,000.
d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington.

2. When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing to remember?

a) Your absolute faith in God’s love.
b) the pledge of allegiance.
c) Your eternal soul.
d) To bring clean underwear.

3. When looking for sure signs of the end times, we are told to look for…

a) Great signs in the heavens.
b) “www.endtimes.com” on the internet.
c) An increase in global disasters
d) an increase in homeowner insurance premiums.

4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes sermon, who will inherit the earth?

a) Barack Obama
b) Joe Biden
c) Bill Gates Jr.
d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).

5. What is meant by “the rapture?”
a) It’s something that can happen when you pick up a really heavy object.
b) A Toronto basketball player.
c) It’s when God will rescue His faithful before the battle of Armageddon.
d) It’s the feeling I’ll get when the Toronto Maple Leafs finally win
the Stanley Cup again.

6. It is said that when Jesus returns, He will set up his earthly kingdom in…

a) New Jersey
b) New Hampshire
c) Wasilla, Alaska
d) The New Jerusalem

7. Which of the following 2 characters did NOT help Dorothy find her way to the Emerald City?

a) The Scarecrow
b) The Anti-Christ
c) The Tin Man
d) The False Prophet
e) The Cowardly Lion

8. In the 11th century, the Irish Bishop Malachy made a series of predictions, meticulously listing and describing each of the remaining 112 Popes leading up to the final battle of Armageddon. According to Malachi’s predictions, only one Pope remains after our present Pope Benedict.

Pick the correct one
a) Pope Cheney, the Dick
b) Peter, the Roman.
c) Arnold, the Schwartzenegger
d) Pope Obama, the flipflopper

9. Which of the following is NOT an Edgar Cayce prophecy?

a) Atlantis will rise from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean.
b) In North America, a cataclysmic change will cause the Great Lakes
to drain into the Gulf of Mexico.
c) Both California and Japan will sink into the Pacific Ocean.
d) Pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes – or it’s free.

And finally…

10. What have the prophets really been trying to warn mankind of for centuries?
a) Of the many earth changes to come.
b) That the mark of “the Beast” is just a bad haircut.
c) That the words prophet and profit are surprisingly similar.
d) That like P.T. Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.

YOUR QUIZ SCORE: Who cares? The end is near for Pete’s sake. For once in
your life stop trying to be such a smarty-pants!