Brother can you spare another Trillion?

bytimocerantola

 

IN the beginning, there were no banks.

THEN, man said, “Let there be the three-piece suit.” AND man saw that this was good (especially Armani). Then man said, “Let there be the brief case, the two martini lunch and the bank fee.”

AND when man saw what he had created, he believed that this too was good – although he decided to raise bank fees just a bit more.

THEN man asked himself, “What else can I do to complicate my life?”

And so, man invented the stock market and, before you could say ‘my broker is an incompetent idiot’ – the Dow Jones became mired in a bull market; bank profits collapsed and the rest of us were left in debt up to our pie holes.

Now prior to the invention of money and trading on the stock market, mankind had a wonderfully efficient system called the barter system. This amazingly efficient system allowed us to trade our stuff for other peoples’ stuff. For example, you give me a bear fur and I’ll give you a couple brontosaurus steaks. You give me one of your nifty “wheel” inventions and I’ll give you the secret of fire. You give me that bag of ‘Cheesits’ and I won’t bash your skull in with this large rock.

Of course, we still trade stuff today only now, it’s done on worthless paper at the stock exchange. But as any child of three with a diverse stock portfolio (and a large rock) can plainly see, today’s stock market still parallels the old barter system in many ways – although actual living, breathing, foul-smelling livestock (other than the stock brokers) are no longer present on the trading floor.

Sometimes, I think I prefer the simplicity of the old barter system though, as many of you have probably noticed, these days Walmart will not accept a goat as payment – although the going rate for a four slice toaster among Mongolian yak herders is still two sheep, a bottle of moonshine, a deck of cards and a jar of peanut butter (which in Mongolia is the makings of one heck of a party).

Many people find the stock market a very confusing place. And so, in an effort to clarify any confusion, I sought out some advice from the world-renowned investment expert Diddley P. Squat. (You know what they say on the market, if you don’t know Diddley, you don’t know Squat!)

Anyway, Diddley says the first thing anyone must learn when it comes to understanding the complexities of the stock market is the difference between the two most important market terms “bearish” and “bullshi… uh… bullish.”

You see, when the stock market is “bearish” it is a very depressing time, as you will often hear people say, “Jump you bastards, jump!” Indeed, it is a very sad time and often wealthy people can be seen weeping openly in their Mercedes limos.

However, when the stock market is “bullish” it is a very, very happy time (of lies, rumor and deceit) among wealthy people who will still insist that business is bad.

As for market volatility, the best anyone can figure is that the stock market seems to go into a decline because someone starts a rumor that the market is about to go into a decline – and so it declines. And then, usually the next working day, someone else starts a new rumor that the market is about to go through the roof, and it does.

Of course, in these days of bailouts and socialism for free market capitalists, there are no rules any more. If the market collapses due to the corrupt and odious business practices of the many scoundrels in banking and finance, our political leaders will rush to their rescue using the full power of government (you and your money) and inject billions, if not trillions of taxpayer dollars to save their sorry unethical asses. After all, no one wants to see greedy crooked rich people lose their money.

Speaking of the rich, have you ever noticed when you’re out with a group of friends, it’s only the rich ones who complain about money?

Sadly, I have nothing to complain about and so I let the rich worry about money. I spend my valuable time groveling for food but, as usual, I digress from the topic at hand.

As many of you are painfully aware, the US and many of Europe’s economies are still in turmoil – mostly due to the shameful pursuits of stock market financiers and the aforementioned unscrupulous swindlers in banking.

As I see it, the root problem isn’t about money; the problem is a lack of ethical and honest brokering.

Really, it couldn’t get much worse (but it will). You see, despite the encouraging spin you hear daily in the mainstream media, the real economy is and will continue to be a total basket case for years to come. This is mainly due to the enormous, multi-trillion dollar debt we have amassed combined with the continued lack of a real ‘nuts and bolts’ economy.

But don’t worry, our government has assured us that we have all the right con men working hard to fix our problems – if necessary with more bailouts.

Yes, more bailouts are probably on the horizon, because looming in the background are many more financial bubbles like treasury bonds, commercial real estate or credit cards all ripe and ready to burst.

And, when they burst, I imagine raising the debt ceiling will get the same heavily propagandized media selling job as the last bailout; complete with the usual scare-mongering of martial law, losing our homes, losing our pensions, increase in pestilence, nuclear attack, alien invasion… if we don’t go along with their economic strategy. (If they really wanted to scare us, they should threaten no TV for a week).

If we are to truly save our poor, sorry, indebted butts, we need honest people running the show and let’s face it kids, there just aren’t that many people in banking and the stock market with the right expertise, if the expertise required is honest brokering.

Experts without vested interests do not exist on Wall Street, in banks, in government administrations – or among lawyers, or in politics, the oil industry, the auto industry, or the Pentagon, military industrial complex, pharmaceutical industry, car sales, shoe sales…

So, there’s nothing to worry about, unless of course you were counting on maintaining your quality of life and addiction to food for an extended period of time. Then, there may be a problem. Or, to put it more succinctly, Mr. Shit,, may I introduce, Mr. Fan.

 

Corporate Chimps Run the World (into the ground)

By Timo Cerantola

In view of our recent banking dysfunction and in order to understand the economic predicament we now find ourselves in, one must understand the motivations of those individuals who played a large part in creating this disaster – namely a curious creature known as the “corporate chimp.”

This gangrenous filth er… creature known as the corporate chimp, lives solely to kiss the asses of the world’s corporate elite; their main purpose in life being the worship of wealth and attainment of money.

True, though these greedy mammals have existed throughout history, our present financial disaster is due in large part to a particular branch of the species – a group that was discovered in the early 20^th century in the Wall Street swamp.

This corporate chimp is an altogether peculiar species. Identified by a black or dark blue suit, which often turns to a grayish color in more aged chimps. The number one job of the corporate chimp is to acquire money for itself and the corporation – (OK, it’s actually their number two job after they get up off their knees).

The twentieth century corporate chimp is usually, though not exclusively, found in one of seven main habitats; the Federal Reserve, corporation board rooms, banks, AM talk radio, the ‘mainstream’ news media, law firms and of course, the Wall Street swamp – though recently a large number of the corporate beast has migrated its way into the upper halls of government around the globe.

Yes, though a majority of the chimps gravitate towards money, the most dangerous chimps head straight for politics, usually after a brief stopover in law.

Shameless bootlicking and sucking up to wealth form the main characteristics of the chimp. This somewhat parasitic bipedal mammal displays an innate propensity to disregard any basic morals or rules of fair play – showing an eager willingness to eliminate ethics and switch loyalties at a moments notice should the possibility of monetary gain arise.

Generally active from dawn to dusk, the corporate chimp typically sleeps in a luxurious home and does most of its foraging for food in expensive restaurants and in corporate boxes at sporting events. And, although sucking at the corporate teat seems to form the bulk of the chimp’s behavior, the teat offers very little nourishment and thus many chimps have been observed to eat other small, usually defenseless mammals.

Corporate chimps have a superficial social organization that is gregarious and loosely based around the sport of golf. Most chimps belong to groups called “clubs.” While interacting, the chimps or “club members” often break up into subgroups called “foursomes.”

When chimps from different or opposing communities meet each other on the golf course, they are usually peaceful, at least outwardly – though at times there may be loud vocalizing, antagonistic displays of displeasure and occasionally, serious lying and manipulating of the facts should there be some financial gain in the offing.

Social relations within chimp communities are significantly affected by the species’ affinity for status. Chimps use money and lying to promote the sharing of wealth, to make up after fights, to gain favors and generally to strengthen relationships. However, should this wealth dry up, partnerships are quickly forgotten as there is very little predilection towards loyalty in the chimp’s character.

When circling, especially in banking or the stock market, a group of chimps can be very vicious carnivorous hunters which, once a substantial monetary gain has been achieved, will retire back to the relative safety of their packs, typically composed of a dominant breeding corporation and their dependent subsidiaries.

Natural predators to the chimp include trade unions, socialized medicine, social-democratic governments and any type of sharing of resources that would benefit the global community at large – though recently, many corporate chimps have developed an inclination towards socialism in the form of bailouts – now strictly referred to as “stimulus packages.”

Oddly enough, in the past, socialism was regarded as a loser philosophy by the wondrous chimp kings of finance. However, in view of recent economic calamities, when applied to corporations and banks, socialism is now acceptable.

Yes, thanks to the many corporate chimps now in government, many bank and corporate losses have now become the responsibility of the taxpayers – losses are now being socialized but profits, of course, still remain the responsibility of corporations and banks and their chimps.

Despite the government handouts, these chimps still regard themselves as the “masters of the universe” – though in reality, as our present economic reality has revealed, they are merely company men, gophers and disgraceful suck-ups willing to do the ass kissing no one with any self respect would do.

Given their wide historical distribution, corporate chimps have been shown to have no regard for the environment. In its endless pursuit of the dollar, no amount of destruction, war, pestilence or disease will deter the corporate chimp from its greedy mission. There are no ethics, rules, laws or sense of fair play where chimps are concerned. There is no right and wrong when it comes to money. The quintessential corporate chimp is one without conscience or integrity.

Should you happen to see a chimp in its natural element, e.g. banks and the stock market, if you must, approach it with caution but keep your hand firmly on your wallet. Do not trust this animal with money.

In closing, corporate chimps should remember one-thing. Though it may be true that he who dies with the most toys may win the money game of life – he is still, thankfully, dead.

Note: For those of you who enjoy exotic pets, corporate chimps make wonderful house pets. If you have enough money, many corporate chimps are for sale right now at bargain prices!